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#128190 - 07/21/04 06:16 PM How about jokes
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Tiger Woods

drives into a gas station in his new top of the range BMW and says to the guy fill her up

The gas guy says, hey I know you, you're Tiger Woods'

Tiger says that's right

The gas guy says, nice car

Tiger says, yep top of the range BMW

its got everything, big engine, sunroof, cocktail bar, power refrigeration, dvd cinema, best cd system money can find, got it's own bar, satellite navigation etc.

Gas guy says wowee that'll be $50

Tiger reaches into his pocket, and two tees fall out

Gas guy says what are they for?

Tiger says they're for resting your balls on when driving!

Gas guy says jeez BMW think of everything.......

Can I hear the shot

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#128191 - 07/21/04 06:29 PM Re: How about jokes
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
I don't know if I should laugh or cry at that one. Banging of my head against the wall may be called for.

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#128192 - 07/21/04 06:31 PM Re: How about jokes
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
This would be a doctor talking:

Today, I had a patient who had two carrots up his nose, a radish in one ear and a stick of celery in the other ear.
He said, "Doc, I'm not feeling well."
I told him, "That's because you're not eating right."

\:D

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#128193 - 07/21/04 06:34 PM Re: How about jokes
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
who gets to shoot first Bill you or me?

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#128194 - 07/21/04 07:39 PM Re: How about jokes
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Sign on wall at Parachuting School:

Chute first, ask questions later

hmmmm, why did I pick this particular school to attend?

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#128196 - 07/21/04 09:26 PM Re: How about jokes
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
three nuns are approachiing the pearly gates. st peter greets them warmly, but tells them they must each answer one question before they can enter heaven.

perplexed, but they have no choice. st peter turns to the first nun and asks, "who was the first man?" relief floods her face and responds, "that is easy! the first man was adam!" bells ring, chimes chime, and the gates of heaven open wide.

turns to the second nun. "sister, who was the first woman?" again, relief floods another face as she triumphantly declares, "that is sooo easy! the first woman was eve!" bells ring, chimes chime, the gates of heaven open wide

turns to the third nun. "sister, what was the first thing eve said to adam?" silence, prolonged silence as she agonizes over this question. despondantly, she says, "this is a hard one!" bells ring, chimes chime...

\:D

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#128199 - 07/21/04 09:51 PM Re: How about jokes
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
marc,
caught me by surprise on that one \:D

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#128200 - 07/22/04 10:20 AM Re: How about jokes
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
Mr. Smith gets a phone call from the hospital emergancy room:

"Mr. Smith?"
"Yes..."
"I am very sorry. There is good news and bad news. Which would you like first?"
"Give me that bad news first."
"OK. Your wife was in a bad accident. She will never walk or speak again. You will have to do everything for her. Feed her, bath her, change he diapers, every thing."
"That is terrible! What could possibly be the good news?"
"I was just kidding. She died."

Aden


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#128201 - 07/22/04 02:19 PM Re: How about jokes
lost_in_thought Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/04
Posts: 97
Loc: Florida
The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they had set up their tent, they laid down for a restful night. After a few hours, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful companion.

"Tonto, look up in the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replied, "Me see millions of stars."

The Lone Ranger asked, "What does that tell you?"

Tonto pondered the question for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemosabi?"

The Lone Ranger stared silently at his friend for a moment, then said, "Tonto, you idiot! It means someone has stolen our tent!"

_________________________
The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. - Hunter S. Thompson (July 18, 1937 - February 20, 2005)

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#128202 - 07/24/04 04:48 PM Re: How about jokes
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Not meant to offend

I am slightly dislexyc mesylf semotimse

Dyslexic guy spent all night tossing and turning in bed wondering whether there really was a dog.

Dyslexic boy never got any presents at Christmas' "was it any wonder" when he always addressed his Christmas list to:-
"Dear Satan"

ste

\:D \:D \:D

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#128203 - 07/24/04 04:50 PM Re: How about jokes
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
ste,
loved them both! i had to read the first one twice \:D

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#128204 - 07/24/04 08:18 PM Re: How about jokes
lost_in_thought Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/04
Posts: 97
Loc: Florida
A cowboy moseys into a saloon and orders a whiskey. When the bartender delivers the drink,

the cowboy asks, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replies, "They've all gone to the hanging."

The cowboy asked, "Who are they hanging?"

The bartender answered, "Brown Paper Pete."

"What kind of name is Brown Paper Pete," the cowboy asked.

The bartender explained, "Well, he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants and brown paper shoes."

The cowboy said, "That's weird. What are they hanging him for?"

The bartender said, "Rustling!"

_________________________
The Edge... there is no honest way to explain it because the only people who really know where it is are the ones who have gone over. - Hunter S. Thompson (July 18, 1937 - February 20, 2005)

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#128205 - 07/27/04 02:55 PM Re: How about jokes
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
OLD CODGERS

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new rooster for his chicken
coop. The new rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK old man,
time for you to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot handle ALL of these
hens, look what it has done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old
hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it, You are washed up and I am taking over."
The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young lad. I will race you around
the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive rights over the entire chicken
coop."

The young rooster laughs. "You know you don't stand a chance old man. So,
just to be fair I will give you a head start." The old rooster takes off
running. About 15
seconds later the young rooster takes off running after him. They round the
front
porch of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He is
already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot on the front porch when
he sees the roosters running by. He grabs his shotgun and - BOOM - He
shoots the young rooster . The farmer sadly shakes his head and says,
Dammit...thats the third gay rooster I bought this month."


Moral of this story.... Don't mess with old codgers - age and wisdom will
always overcome youth and skill!

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
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