Tiger Woods

drives into a gas station in his new top of the range BMW and says to the guy fill her up

The gas guy says, hey I know you, you're Tiger Woods'

Tiger says that's right

The gas guy says, nice car

Tiger says, yep top of the range BMW

its got everything, big engine, sunroof, cocktail bar, power refrigeration, dvd cinema, best cd system money can find, got it's own bar, satellite navigation etc.

Gas guy says wowee that'll be $50

Tiger reaches into his pocket, and two tees fall out

Gas guy says what are they for?

Tiger says they're for resting your balls on when driving!

Gas guy says jeez BMW think of everything.......

Can I hear the shot

I don't know if I should laugh or cry at that one. Banging of my head against the wall may be called for.

This would be a doctor talking:

Today, I had a patient who had two carrots up his nose, a radish in one ear and a stick of celery in the other ear.
He said, "Doc, I'm not feeling well."
I told him, "That's because you're not eating right."

who gets to shoot first Bill you or me?

Sign on wall at Parachuting School:

Chute first, ask questions later

hmmmm, why did I pick this particular school to attend?

three nuns are approachiing the pearly gates. st peter greets them warmly, but tells them they must each answer one question before they can enter heaven.

perplexed, but they have no choice. st peter turns to the first nun and asks, "who was the first man?" relief floods her face and responds, "that is easy! the first man was adam!" bells ring, chimes chime, and the gates of heaven open wide.

turns to the second nun. "sister, who was the first woman?" again, relief floods another face as she triumphantly declares, "that is sooo easy! the first woman was eve!" bells ring, chimes chime, the gates of heaven open wide

turns to the third nun. "sister, what was the first thing eve said to adam?" silence, prolonged silence as she agonizes over this question. despondantly, she says, "this is a hard one!" bells ring, chimes chime...

marc,
caught me by surprise on that one

Mr. Smith gets a phone call from the hospital emergancy room:

"Mr. Smith?"
"Yes..."
"I am very sorry. There is good news and bad news. Which would you like first?"
"Give me that bad news first."
"OK. Your wife was in a bad accident. She will never walk or speak again. You will have to do everything for her. Feed her, bath her, change he diapers, every thing."
"That is terrible! What could possibly be the good news?"
"I was just kidding. She died."

Aden

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the desert. After they had set up their tent, they laid down for a restful night. After a few hours, the Lone Ranger wakes his faithful companion.

"Tonto, look up in the sky and tell me what you see."

Tonto replied, "Me see millions of stars."

The Lone Ranger asked, "What does that tell you?"

Tonto pondered the question for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident that the Lord is all powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Kemosabi?"

The Lone Ranger stared silently at his friend for a moment, then said, "Tonto, you idiot! It means someone has stolen our tent!"

Not meant to offend

I am slightly dislexyc mesylf semotimse

Dyslexic guy spent all night tossing and turning in bed wondering whether there really was a dog.

Dyslexic boy never got any presents at Christmas' "was it any wonder" when he always addressed his Christmas list to:-
"Dear Satan"

ste