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#127913 - 07/03/04 09:42 PM feel like dirt.... (trigger)
irishguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/04
Posts: 231
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
hi,

i aint posted in a while, i guess cause ive been feelin pretty low, good things have been happenin for me these past few days...but still i feel like shit, my family are drivin me nuts, they all see that i am sad and ask me what is wrong, and i want to tell them but i cant, but what gets me most is they always tell me they know me. but they dont, they dont know me at all, they know noting about me, (dont get me wrong,they might know me like evryone else does.) but they dont know the real me, they know notin about what happened to me as a kid, they know notin about how much i was hurt and abused right in front of their fuckin eyes, for 3 years they didnt see it and for the past 10 years have known notin about it. my parents have always told me that they could tell if something was wrong with me just by lookin at me, they have told me that for so long... but its bullshit, if its true why did they not see that their 10yo son was being raped and molested by their "trusted" neighbour in their own home, how could they not see it, it went on for 3 years and they never saw, they saw noting and let him into my life.

so how can they tell me they know me, when i dont even know me...

i gotta go.. \:\( \:\( \:\( \:\(

_________________________
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

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#127915 - 07/03/04 10:25 PM Re: feel like dirt.... (trigger)
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Irish,

Man sometimes people have so much going on inside their own heads until they can look right at you and not tell if anything is wrong or not. I know because for the vast majority of these past 31 years, I missed a hell of a lot that was going on around me, to people I love, because I was so wrapped up with my own issues. I wonder how much I missed. I almost lost my wife over it, because she thought I didn't give a damn about her, which I did. I thought I was doing a fine job of being a husband. Then there are people that like to sugar coat everything and look the other way. My mom is that way and to this day I have never told her about my abuse..I never will either. At this point it's useless. Buddy, I think this is something that we have to work through ourselves, but thank God for this site, because I know now that Im not alone. You aren't either, buddy. Send me a PM anytime you need to. I remember you were one of the first ones to welcome me here.

Rich


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#127916 - 07/04/04 12:08 AM Re: feel like dirt.... (trigger)
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Irish, a chara,

Maybe they know the good things about you that were always there and still remain. Maybe they do know or suspect more than you think, but they only want to be able to disbelieve, so they never ask for the truth. Maybe all they really know is that you are in pain.

Almost exactly one year ago I told my parents about my mother's coworker raping me. Before summer's end I wished I hadn't. I heard so much about how they "knew" something was wrong, or they always believed there was something strange about him, and so much more. None of it did me any good, and all their questions were about what happened, when, etc. I felt like they wanted enough information to clear themselves of any responsibility, not that they were all that concerned about me today.

I hope you can find some peace with this. We here do know something about what this feels like. We're here for you if you need to vent.

Go raibh maith agat,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#127917 - 07/04/04 07:37 PM Re: feel like dirt.... (trigger)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Irish
this is the Survivors classic "Catch 22" situation.

So many of us who were abused outside our families wonder whether our families knew what was going on at the time - unlikely in most cases I would think, and we wonder what their reactions will be now - will we be understood and supported ( hopefully unconditionally ) We also wonder about the effect it might have on them, our brothers and sisters, and our relationship with them all.

That's a whole lot of 'wondering'. Most, if not all, of it without answers. We'll only ever find out if we tell them, and if the answers we get are the wrong ones we can't go back.

Myself, I haven't told my parents. Mainly because they're both well into their 80's now and I don't honestly think they could fully understand or deal with it. But also because there is a tiny tiny bit of doubt that when I told the headmaster about being raped ( he didn't believe me and explained it away as "sexual experimentation that got a bit out of hand" ) he might just have told my parents. And IF they did nothing, and left me at that school for another four years of abuse, I could never forgive them.

I'd rather live with the grain of doubt, than take the risk of blowing everything away, but that's just my way of dealing with this impossible question.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#127918 - 07/05/04 03:59 AM Re: feel like dirt.... (trigger)
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Irishguy,

I'm so sorry. I can relate, some. My mom uses that phrase also, 'I can tell when something is wrong'. But I would come home bleeding or bruised, and say it was from practice, and she would never question it. I never understood how you can't question, how you don't question.

I wish you had someone there to talk to of this, someone you could trust. I do not want to 'push' anything of therapy or meds on anyone. Because I was VERY resistant to both of those in the beginning of all this for me. But I have found them both to be helpful. I went from panic almost 24 hours a day to going some days without any. And from being almost constantly suicidal to doing no self harm for, well, I think once in well over a month now. It is still not perfect, still not great, but it is so much better.

Please do what is right and best for you, and take good care of yourself. And you know, what you feel and think here, it is very much 'on topic'. You don't have to just post things here. You belong at the main men's forum, and are very welcome here. I just want you knowing that.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#127919 - 07/05/04 04:36 PM Re: feel like dirt.... (trigger)
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
My Irish friend, my brother,

How I know what you're talking about. Yes, I did a good job hiding my abuse from my family, but there were others who knew, who saw, but refused to see anything wrong.

It's a horrible thing when we're forced to carry that burden. In truth, your family may not have seen anything. Abusers are very good at what they do. But there's always that thing in the back of our minds, they knew. How could they NOT know?

I wish there was something I could say to take that doubt, the fear, away from you. The truth is that the scumbag who hurt you may have always been that good and your folks were easily deceived by that. Evil is a great liar, my friend. Especially when the truth is hard to accept.

Please don't beat yourself up over this. The day will come when you will be able to tell them. And whether that will be a receptive experience or not, it will liberate you. The Bible verse still holds true: "you shall know the truth, and it will make you free."

You already know the truth. And it's starting to liberate you.

I'm here if you need me.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#127920 - 07/06/04 10:50 AM Re: feel like dirt.... (trigger)
Ivo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/08/04
Posts: 267
Loc: Germany
Dear brother,
I know that you are in a bad mood. It is terrible when members of your family are telling you that they know you well and reality is quite different. In such situations I always feel very down because I am so distant from people that I love so much. This is mine situation. All members of my family are aware that something is wrong with me. They can not identify the cause of my problems but they are aware that I am very distant and extremely sad all the time. Of course, I never told them right answer on their questions about my personal problems. After years they stopped to ask me and I can not blame them for this. From the very beginning I hide source of alarming signs so well, they just couldn't guess what was exactly wrong. On the other side I was always very successful in my school, university and everyday tasks so my parents didn't have really reason to notice that something so terrible ever happened to me.
From my point of view it would be great to finally break silence but the border that I put between us is to old and to high.
And there is one million things that I would have to explain if I decide to tell them dark side of my past. The things that are not pleasant, the things that are very dirty. This really frightens me because in that case I would be totally exposed, totally unshielded without all my defence mechanisms.
One more thing, your words: "when i dont even know me..." are so striking me right in my hurt.
When you are abused in extremely early age this question is unavoidable.
I so desperately want to know who am I!
And how to explain to my beloved family that I don't know myself almost as well as they too don't know me?


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#127921 - 07/06/04 11:23 AM Re: feel like dirt.... (trigger)
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
(((((Irish)))))

Hang in there friend.


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#127922 - 07/06/04 12:31 PM Re: feel like dirt.... (trigger)
irishguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/04
Posts: 231
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
hey guys,

first of all i want to say thank you to you guys for being here for me, i am still in the same frame of mind in regard to the post things are still the same at home, i had a another major arguement with all my family and i as usual ran away from it, when i left i hated them all (my family) so much i was so angry, but most of all i hated myself because i know it is not their fault, they do not understand and they are only tryin help me (i think)... as i raced away from my home on my motorbike i never wanted to come back ever, i wanted to leave this world and started takin really stupid risks on the bike like speedin around blind bends on the wrong side of the road just hopeing i would meet a car, i stil kinda feel like that, i hate this

i hate myself and i want to die!

_________________________
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

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#127923 - 07/06/04 01:02 PM Re: feel like dirt.... (trigger)
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Irish,

Please be more careful than that. Meeting that car won't make your family understand. \:\(

Can you talk to someone instead of keeping this crap bottled up inside yourself? I found this online at
http://www.iol.ie/~findunne/mensaid/helpline.htm
Quote:
NATIONAL HELPLINE FOR MEN
Men’s Aid announces the launch of a national helpline for male victims of domestic or workplace violence and male victims of sexual abuse. The helpline is an outreach program designed to:

* Encourage men to discuss these problems in confidence by telephone

* Act as a referral point to counseling services for those ready to seek help

* In the interim to support men in their current situation

The help line number is : 085 732 8141
Níl tú i d'aonar.

Please be good to yourself.

GRMA,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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