My husband had a situation that involved the loss of memory when drinking. He was put in a situation that resembled the early years of his abuse. He later decided to take it upon himself to find out why this person did these things and why he reacted the same as when he was a child. He was an adult now and unlike a child could explore the reasons; in order to keep his sanity.

The problem is he is unaware of several things he must have done. He knows why he was there, her home; he was passed out in the car, mentioned the need to use the restroom, found himself at her doorway (she said it was on the way to his barracks). He went in with honest intentions on just using the restroom and her continuing to drive him home. (WHOLE STORY ON FAMILY AND FRIENDS FORUM). His friend went home with her friend and he needed a ride. He was not attracted, thought he would be safe, he wasn’t gonna do anything?! How do you say “NO I DON’T NEED TO GO ANYMORE“, he thought she was making a nice gesture? He had only 5 min. of conversation with her up to this point. . He remembers the couch. . Then he woke in the bed with her messing with him. He didn’t want it, found it reminded him of the past. . He converted into the child and thus reacted the same by giving in.

But how did he get to the bed, he had to walk. Does that mean she said, “here, sleep it off; I’ll get you a cover?” I mean I know he didn’t do anything on purpose, he does remember up to that point.

He saw her again to find answers, see if it was his fault; what type of person she was. . Answers as a child he never got to figure out. It happened again. . He said he doesn’t remember leaving the bar with her. but remembers his head was against the window of his truck and she was driving. He remembers walking in thinking “I’ll sit here for a moment and sober up”. He was on the couch and again woke in her bed? The second time I know for sure he didn’t walk there to experience the HELL she reminded him of.

The question. Do you think you act differently while blacking out? The problem is he is scared he may have done something to provoke her to think she could do those things. He didn’t kiss her, touch her, even during sex he rolled her over not to look at her. He hated her more than the others in his youth. She was an adult, he was also and it affected him worse.

So a blackout; do you think you could all the sudden love someone you hated hours before? I think he was tricked just like the bathroom/her house encounter.

It could also be 'acting out' behaviour as well - alongside the alcohol blackout.

As Survivors of CSA we often go on to having a very distorted view of sex, and seperate out some, or all, sex acts from love and affection.
We re-enact the secx we experienced as a child on what we think are our terms as an adult.
I acted out sexually with strange men, but there was never anything emotional about it at all, we barely spoke.
It was a seperate thing to the love I feel for my wife, that was never in question.
I did it for a variety of reasons that I've discovered through therapy, and a major one was my need to feel degraded through sexual acts. Which I achieved when I acted out. The need for degradation came from feeling worthless as an adult and remembering that as a boy I had been wanted, and praised, for sex.

Acting out can take many forms, and a lot of sorting out. But it can be sorted out, I've done it.

Dave