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#127874 - 06/29/04 09:03 PM New to the Discussion Board, wanna bring attention to my post.
jaywho Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 39
Loc: WV
Hey, not sure how many people read the "family and friends" as survivors but that is what I need more than anything. My huband and I are having real problems with his SA as a child. As an adult he has faced again, only to cause me pain. Any insite would be great, I would love help. He will not go to doc, his job is "high stress, securtity clearance" he is scared that if leaked it will make him loose job. HELP \:\( ;\)


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#127875 - 06/29/04 11:59 PM Re: New to the Discussion Board, wanna bring attention to my post.
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Oh, what a bind. My wife finally found a therapist that I think is going to work for her. My therapist explained to me that all of our spouses suffer from secondary abuse from having lived with us. If she has some time tonight, I'll ask her if she will write to you.
Do you have any good LCSW's over there who have had some experience with men like us?
You can try the Rape Crisis Line to see if they have any referrals to help.
I know that I don't know for certain, but your spouse certainly must be able to consult with a therapist without divulging state secrets, or for his employer to get in a hissy fit because he needs to deal with earlier problems. Tell him about us, encourage him to read here, and let him know that he's got a ton of brothers who are in the same boat. Well, not the security thing boat, but guys who will welcome him with understanding and concern.
Good luck,
David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#127876 - 06/30/04 12:16 AM Re: New to the Discussion Board, wanna bring attention to my post.
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
If he is that worried about it, he can find a therapist that does not accept insurance or choose not to use his insurance. I do not know about all therapists, but I do know that Doctors, psychiatrists, are held to doctor patient confidentialites which are stricter than attorney client ones. There is one exception. If the doctor believes that he will harm himself or anybody else the doctor is required to take many steps to prevent it.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#127877 - 06/30/04 09:22 AM Re: New to the Discussion Board, wanna bring attention to my post.
jaywho Offline
Member

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 39
Loc: WV
Thank you both for your help. I am new to the board as I said, last night was my 1st post. I have another LONG post under the family and friends board, if you have a moment will you take a look and give any insite??

I am trying to help, he isn't much up for the DOC thing yet anyway. I know when we talk, he is coming out with more everyday; he said, "see why would I want to go to the DOC? they don't know me like you and they may not see it like us?" the story is different, as an adult he saw a situation as that of his childhood. I hate the actions that were taken because even as an adult he felt like he had no choices.

I know from having "panic attacks, anxiety" that DOC's aren't all that bad. If you find a good therapist they are better than the DOC's around here. My DOC heards you in like cattle 5 min. in and then out.

I haven't talked to anyone yet myself about it, kinda like my husband scared they may say or think he is capable of something I know he isn't. I don't need anymore things to scare me yet!! Don't know how to start even. I came here because I knew no matter how odd my story may sound there was no way you guys would doubt us. YOU NEVER KNOW UNLESS YOUR THERE, RIGHT? I don't want someone telling me that "I am wrong about him". I have known him for 14 years. I hold him now at night when we talk as he cries!!! He is coming out with so much, last night we had such a break through. He calls me his angel, he didn't think it was possible for me to ever understand. I don't judge for sure. We have two little boys, I think that was his fear, me being scared he would hurt them. I see no way of that being possible. He lives his life through them. He is a great dad, husband and unlike everyone else in his life . . . I will show him, I will beleive in him. I will be here for him, I will try and make it right, I will try . . I will try . . I just need some help to see in what direction. I have to protect him now, his feelings I know are hurt, I can't bring him further down.

Thank you again so much!!!!!!!! I am so greatful to see others coming out, making there life their's again and having hopes and dreams that it is OK to live a healthy, wonderful life. I want my husband to feel the same. He said last night that everyday he thinks of it at the least once. I have been with him 14 years and never knew. I understand but man I get mad thinking to myself . . what did I do wrong that didn't make him beleive in me sooner? Get mad at myself I mean. I think you have to take a good look at yourself when it comes to others reactions to you. I wish he could have trusted me but we was dealing with him cheating, I guess that would step over my rules thus . . being mad was gonna happen!!

It took a great problem for me to force the truth out. I had to figure it out, he didn't offer it.


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#127878 - 06/30/04 09:01 PM Re: New to the Discussion Board, wanna bring attention to my post.
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Jaywho, I have been an alcoholic in recovery for quite a few 24 hours a day. I have also attended al-anon. One of the things that is just proven fact is that if our loved ones get better it forces us to want to change as well. I believe that if you can get some help for yourself, your hubby will see the change and know how you got it. Then he will be much more open to wanting the help for himself.

There are lots of really good papres on our website. I suggest you look at some and see if they might help him if you print them out. The Myths about SA on our home page is a realy good thing to use to start a discussion.

When I first sought help here several years ago I was fascinated to find out that not only am I not unique in the abuse I suffered, but that so many men have had similar things happen to them that professionals know all about it, train to help us and write papers and books about this problem. Then their was even this whole website for guys like me. I cannot find the words to express what that did for me. It was like a new day, a new birth. I hope your husband can come here and look around. I think it will help him a lot. Of course, he can read the stuff here without loging in if that is seen as a problem for him. We only have to register and log in if we want to post or reply to something here.

Take care and know that you too are no longer alone.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#127879 - 07/01/04 08:24 PM Re: New to the Discussion Board, wanna bring attention to my post.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jaywho
Welcome, although I have no doubt that you'd rather not have to be here.

But you are, and it's a great starting place for you.
Here you'll find support for yourself and lots of help and advice.
The main person is your husband though, and if he's certain about not seeing a therapist then he could come here and remain anonymous. That I can assure you.

Here are a few links to other sites that have masses of information that might help as well.

Kali Munro.
http://www.kalimunro.com/index.html


US Department of Health and Human Services
Administration for Children and Families
Administration on Children, Youth, and Families
National Center on Child Abuse and Neglect
http://nccanch.acf.hhs.gov/pubs/usermanuals/sexabuse/index.cfm


Child Sexual Abuse
A National Center for PTSD Fact Sheet
http://www.ncptsd.org/facts/specific/fs_child_sexual_abuse.html


Jim Hopper, Ph.D.
http://www.jimhopper.com/

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#127880 - 07/01/04 09:26 PM Re: New to the Discussion Board, wanna bring attention to my post.
MikeNY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Don't question why he didn't trust you. Trust is at the center of all of this. It is something that most survivors have a very hard time doing with anyone. He did / does trust you. He trusted you as much as he could allow himself to. Now, it sounds like he trusts you even more.

_________________________
"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

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#127881 - 07/18/04 07:13 PM Re: New to the Discussion Board, wanna bring attention to my post.
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Dave

thanks for the links, very helpful/informative
need to digest this stuff

Thanks

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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