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#127671 - 06/17/04 06:47 PM how do you tell.....?
irishguy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/04
Posts: 231
Loc: Dublin, Ireland
Hi guys,

Ive had this question going trough my head for a while now.. im so desperate to tell my family and friends about what happened me when i was younger but i am also absolutly terrified, i have these horrible thoughts that noone would belive me i know thats not true i know my family would belive and support me but still i cant help but think that they wouldnt... they see me on days when im really low or sad and ask me is everything ok,i want to tell them everything but i always reply with some bulls**t excuse like " i had a hard day in work or something like that,

i dunno what to do... how do i tell the people that love what is really wrong?....

---------
Irishguy...

_________________________
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat.

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#127672 - 06/17/04 11:23 PM Re: how do you tell.....?
yesac76 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/23/04
Posts: 508
Loc: Idaho
Irish,
Telling my family was THE hardest thing I have ever had to do. My abuser had me believing my family would shun me if I told. After almost two decades, I broke my silence. It was hard, but worth it in the end.

Telling them will have to be when and how you choose. No one can tell you when the time is right. As for them believing, I suggest having faith in them. Their are no guarantees with this, but if the risk is worth it to you, I would say go for it. Just make sure you are 100% ready for them to know.
Good luck and best wishes,
Casey

_________________________
"You live it or lie it" Metallica

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#127673 - 06/18/04 12:18 PM Re: how do you tell.....?
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Irish my wife did not know about my past until I was almost 60 and it started with me when I was 16. God I wish I had told her sooner. She is so supportive and I would not have screwed up my life and hers for so long. I just blurted it out and it was like lancing a boil.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#127674 - 06/19/04 12:14 AM Re: how do you tell.....?
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2259
Loc: Maryland USA
Irish,

I would start with telling one person first. Wait, that is what I did.

I still have not told anyone "local" who is not related to me or is not a therapist. It's not easy for anyone to "bear bad news" but the messages we got about shame make this so terribly hard.

I suggest you try telling one person you can expect to be supportive, then see how that goes before you decide who else to tell.

GRMA,

Seosamh

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#127675 - 06/19/04 06:57 AM Re: how do you tell.....?
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Irishguy,

Something that I did. I wrote a letter first. I wrote out some basics of what happened, and how it affects me still, what I am trying to do with it, everything I felt I needed and was able to say. The advantage of a letter is that you can choose your words, and how you present it. Then you can either send it to someone in the family, or give it to someone to read while you are there, or even read it yourself. That opened the door for me and my girlfriend, and since then, I have been able to talk much more openly with her.

I hope you are right, in anticipating a supportive response. Just understand that sometime there will be shock, and guilty feelings of family members, thinking they should have done something different or protected you. Sometimes those reactions can come out as disbelief of you, or even anger that seems directed at you. It isn't, but it may seem to be. So please make sure you are safe and strong enough to deal with any kind of reaction.

Good luck to you.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#127676 - 06/19/04 11:26 AM Re: how do you tell.....?
Archnut Offline
Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 343
Loc: United Kingdom
Hi Irish

I'm pretty well certain that I told me wife when I was out of my skull on vodka. I also told the woman who I regard as my step mother what had happned in the seventies when I was drunk. I dont remeber that one at all the only reason that I know was that she had to make a statement to the police as well as to what I had told her. My wife and I didnt get the full picture untill I sobered up a bit, now I know why I drank. It was to cover the feelings I had after being raped and abused over a number of years.

On telling my father iwas like talking to a brick wall, he is either in denial to what happened to me or he is going senile very rapidally or knowing him he doesnt believe me. This is one of the reasons I no longer have contact with my father.


Hope this helps some

Archnut
"And all that was left was hope"

My Story (Triggers)
http://www.waltonhop.blogspot.com


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#127677 - 06/19/04 01:12 PM Re: how do you tell.....?
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Irish...aren't I remembering Paul or Tim...must be the old age, I guess.
I'm liking what you've heard from the brothers, especially picking out the most likely to be understanding and writing a letter.
I told the family that I wanted to and others don't know about the abuse in my life. The ones that I told, I told face to face. They have been understanding, except for one...wanted to analyze it six ways from Sunday...it was almost like being abused all over again. That was the exception, the others have made up for the one, and I don't share anything of importance with him any longer...news, weather and sports, maybe.
Good luck to you, it can be a positive thing when we can talk about what happened to us with family members and friends.
David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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