I thought you might all get a chuckle out of these

1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in the swimming pool?

3. OK... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs", what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?

4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diaarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?

5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of The Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.

6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?!

10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar not called a racist?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me ..they're cramming for
their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?

23. Whatever! happened to Preparations A through G?

I saw these, Mike, and I laughed my considerable @$$ off. They reminded me of the little observations George Carlin makes on stage. SO, since I'm thinking about them, your comments put me in the mood, and I feel like committing plagiarism, I'll put down a few of my favorites.

Who empties the wishing well?

Why is it that on an escalator the handrail moves a little bit faster than the thing you're standing on?

Shouldn't there be cheese fondon't for those who don't like cheese fondue?

Who decides to leave out the ends of phrases like "have a happy...!" or "I haven't the slightest.....!"

People are always talking about things they want to hear. What about things you don't want to hear, like "I don't think my rash is contagious" or "I decided to stop taking the pills, homicidal tendancies be damned"?

What about selling ONE newspaper? They all say the same thing anyway.

Why is something we lost always in the LAST place we look? How about the first one? THAT would save time!

Speaking of saving time, why do we say that? We REALLY can't save time. Wouldn't you think if we could, we WOULD be doing it? And we sure as Hell wouldn't SPEND it in meetings or laundromats, we'd SPEND it in Tahiti so we could get the MOST out of it.

People are always saying "farfetched." Why don't we say "Nearfetched" for something REALLY obvious. Dan Quayle's an idiot? Say, that's nearfetched, Bill!

Okay, I'm stopping now.

Peace and love,

Scot

Milk out her nose... that's funny.

Good Question

If 7-11's are open 24 hours a day 365 days a year, why do they have locks on their doors?

Why do people park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?

Why do they call them apartments if they're all stuck together?

"Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their
pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?"


Ha ha HA ha HA!!!!


This is hilarious!!!

Thank you!!!

I arrived extra early in MN for the conference last fall. Minnesota Museum of Science has lots of pretty dinosaurs, and I wanted to see them. So I was at the hotel before the conference started, and I saw another group get the boot.

There were several groups at the hotel while Male Survivor was there, but the chess tournament had to move to another venue. A crowd of the invited competitors had gathered in the lobby one night discussing their individual qualifications to be in the tourney. The manager got quite upset and told them to leave. He canceled their reservations and they were left looking for a new place to host their competition. When they asked why, he said he "couldn't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

I'd put up the groan smiley if we had one!

Joe

Why do we have a department of the Interior that is in charge of things outside?

Why aren't lavatories called inside outhouses?