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#127311 - 07/23/06 07:17 PM what did the most damage?
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
was it the abuse that really did all the damage? for me i have to say no it was not the abuse that hurt me the most.yes my abusre took my innocence,my self respect,and my body,but it was the loss of any connection to anybody or any thing that hurt the most.he showed me what alone really is.i mean if you have no family you lose all connection to life in general,you loose your sense of self.its like no one knows you,not one single person on earth ,imagine being the last person left alive after some huge disaster,no one and no where to turn to,you cant say this is who i am ,this is where i came from,because who you are and where you came from are gone,so you become this island , alone no matter where you are ,i dont know but it takes something out of you that is needed to go on i know that since i found this place i'm not alone ,but yes i still am alone its just me and if i could choose just one person to be with it sure as hell wouldnt be me.but thats what alone is .i feel like i'm stuck with the last person i would want to spend eternity with.i'm doing it again i know what i want to say but its not comming out right.everybody has their place in this world one may be able to say this is who i am, i'm my fathers son ,or i'm the husband ,or i'm my childrens father,and that keeps you connected to your world ,but i'm not somebodys son or husband or father,where is my connection?who even knows i'm alive?i know that here i am someone ,but when i turn this pc off ,its just me again alone with me.and that is a scary thought, i am the only one i have?,what he took from me is everything he made me a non person ,to the world i dont even exist,he took my connection!he destroyed who i was ,i dont know who or what i am ,what did the most damage to me is he took my sense of self,sorry this is just rambling cause i just am not smart enough to explain what i feel ,of all the things abuse did to me ,the feeling of total and utter lonliness ,i can say i have people here and some people around me but in truth i am still alone ,just adam but i have no clue who adam is like this post i just dont make sense .

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#127312 - 07/23/06 08:23 PM Re: what did the most damage?
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Adam,

its Ok to rant, and it does make sense.
You were on the island yes, but then the ship rescued you and took you to other people who care.

Remember those guys in the hospital, they all cared, and they made sure to visit you then.
You are a person, just like anybody in this place, and it does suck to have a stupid family.

You said it though, its not the abuse that does it, its all the crap that follows on behind, the million and one things that go with it, and you think youre stuck with it.

I hope you do become a father, then your so-called dad, can go to Hell if he thinks that he has a right to see his "grandkids".

Remember this, its you that matters, not them, so try and put them into the back burner for now, dont burn yourself out thinking you are no good, because you are, youre worth it,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#127313 - 07/24/06 12:48 AM Re: what did the most damage?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Shadow,

Your post makes perfect sense my friend, and you are doing absolutely the best thing you can about it - you are talking about it.

It hurt to read this part:

Quote:
if i could choose just one person to be with it sure as hell wouldnt be me.but thats what alone is .i feel like i'm stuck with the last person i would want to spend eternity with.
But again I understand my friend. All I can tell you is that you feel this way because you are DEFINING yourself in terms of what happened to you. But you are Adam and what happened was the crime of others. As you come to see that - and you will - it will become easier for you to separate yourself from the abuse. And as you make progress towards that it will become easier for you to see that you ARE loveable, you are NOT worthless, and you DO have a lot to offer and a lot to live for. You will see that you are not alone.

No kid deserves or attracts abuse, and no kid is to blame for it in any way.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#127314 - 07/24/06 04:07 AM Re: what did the most damage?
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
thanks guys for responding,being herehas shown me im not worthless,but just me is not enough ,you know?its like the abuse ends but the alone lasts forever.ever see the neverending story?its like the nothing it just makes everything black. i know not having my own pc right now is a big part of what i'm feeling,not being able to just log on is scary,cause the nothing is always right outside the door.waiting .

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#127315 - 07/24/06 10:43 AM Re: what did the most damage?
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Shadow,

Quote:
its like the abuse ends but the alone lasts forever.
In one sense you are right. We don't get to a point where we "forget" the abuse or it just doesn't matter anymore. What we DO get in recovery is an ability to keep these old memories from wrecking our lives and preventing us from living joyful and fulfilling lives.

That feeling of being alone is a terrible one, bro. I remember it well. And it's dangerous too, because if we hang onto that feeling of being alone then we are likely to turn the feeling into a reality. I remember doing that when I was your age. I turned away from friends and a lot of fun social activities and I made things a LOT worse for myself. I just felt so ashamed and worthless, and I was certain that somehow they would one day figure me out. My "friends" were drink and drugs, and let me tell you, these are the falsest friends you could ever imagine.

Try to hang onto this thought for now. Our feelings are real, in that they really are there and thus we have to deal with them. But they are NOT real in the way they describe the world to us. If I asked you what does "alone" mean, you would probably tell me that no one can ever understand you, much less love you, that you yourself have nothing to give or offer to anyone else, and that abuse has turned you into some kind of screwed up freak. Those feelings are NOT true, and these are the big issues we have to work on in recovery.

No, it's not an easy ride Shadow. But things DO get better. Sometimes we just have to hang on to that hope, even when we still don't believe a word of it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#127316 - 07/24/06 07:45 PM Re: what did the most damage?
Paul1959 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/17/06
Posts: 525
Loc: NYC
Shadow,
You are absolutely right that the damage in CSA is the ruptured relationships that follow. Loneliness, isolation and disconnection are the most painful things in life. BUT - YOU are someone even though you don't feel like it. Remember, the PC is only the tool for the connection - it is not the connection. You have guys here who care about you. Just as when you hang up the phone, the relationship is not gone - it may be silent, but it's there. Same thing here.
You are a child of the universe - you are loved.
Paul


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#127317 - 07/24/06 08:33 PM Re: what did the most damage?
Itsback Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/18/06
Posts: 112
Loc: New Mexico
Shadow,

That is where I was, Connection. That is what made me get to the point I am at now. The true want to be able to Connect. That was the most painful issue for myself.

Your on track keep the train moving down that track


Pete

_________________________
I truely believe the pain made me stronger now I want to let the healing make me softer- Never Stop-Never-Quit-Always Care

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#127318 - 07/25/06 06:12 PM Re: what did the most damage?
Trevor Offline
Member

Registered: 06/05/06
Posts: 778
Loc: Rhode Island
i know exactly how u feel shadow

_________________________
My lamb and martyr, this will be over soon. You look so precious.

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#127319 - 07/26/06 03:36 PM Re: what did the most damage?
surfdude Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/07/06
Posts: 95
Loc: Hawaii
Shadow,

I can identify with what you feel. I have many aquaintances who don't really know me and know my secrets. If they did, they probably would freak out and stay away from me. I'm lonely in the middle of a crowd.

I don't think you are a nobody. I have been lurking here the past few weeks and your posts have helped me so much. I can't explain it completely but you have helped me feel things, helped me cry and helped me feel less alone. This means a lot.

I wish I could send hugs through these posts because I would be sending you and a lot of other people here, lots of hugs.

I am not getting any hugs where I am right now but at least a feel safe, welcomed and understood on this site.

Thanks Adam, for being here.

Sunny


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