so, I go to therapy once a week when I can ( work is veary bussy right now) and the focus Is on my past abuse. But right now I cant/dont want to be dealing with my emotions right now. Its starting to affect my work. I should be working right now but when I woke up this morning I was scared of something. Its weird. Iv been having flash backs at work. which is totaly un exeptibal I CAN NOT HAVE FALSHBACKS AT WORK! Thismornig all that I felt I could do was curel up under my covers and cry. Before I was in tharapy I had no emotions. I was a cold and heartless person. I didnt cry, worry think about what happend. I did have falsh backs but then my soultion would be smoke some pot and all would be better. later I relized that I could not do that for the rest of my life so I went to a duel dignosis center that specilzed in PTST/ Adiction. Ill get into my experince there another post. long story short Im still new in my recovory ( neverminde that Iv been in and out of theropy for the better part of 15yrears)
At this point Im realy starting to wonder if Im ready for this. I... I... I... I just want to have a normal life free from flash backs weird emotinos and night terrors. Im starting to wonder iv Im ready for this. Its affecting my job sooo much Im scared of what my boss will say. At this point Im ranting but feadback would be veary welcome. Thankyou for your time

usccabum,

I just wanted to let you know that I understand a little bit of what you are saying. I started my recovery more than 5 years ago. I was also a cold and emotionless man, which made me excel at my job as a police officer. I could deal with the most horrific crime scene or accident scene without blinking. I was a nothing short of a robot.

Today is a very different story. My recovery has progessed at an incredible rate which has become an incredible hinderance to me at my job. My emotions are tears are just below the surface. Sometimes they come out at very inopportune times. I'm doing my best to hold on another 28 months until I can retire with a nice pension. I've lucked into an assignment that will make this possible.

All this to say, I would not trade anything for all the emotions and tears at this point of my life. I have been truely blessed and am happier now than I have ever been in my life!

I wish you health, happiness and recovery!

God Bless,

Brian

Hi,

I remember well of what you speak, the flashbacks, having no emotions and then feeling emotions for the first time and of lying curled up on the floor, shaking and unable to work. It's awful, I know but it does start to get better. You will get through and past this. The worst was at first, where you are now but I seemed to move on from that pretty quickly. I hope you will hang in there. It is really worth the pain and the effort. I'm thinking of you.

Dale