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#126163 - 02/03/04 03:35 PM Happy Birthday My Friend, possible trigger
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
Andy,

TOday is your birthday, and I miss you more than ever. You were my best friend, like my brother, then your life was stolen. I still blame myself for your death, if you hadn't been my friend you never would have been killed. You even stood up for me before you were attacked, and I will never forget that, how brave you were trying to save me. But still I blame myself and wish I could have done something to help you, to save you, but I was held back, they wouldn't let me, they forced me to watch your death, and that is a vision I will never ever forget. I miss you so much Andy, I haven't allowed myself too close to anyone until recently because I was so scared they would be hurt because of me. I wish they never would have hurt you, I wish I could go back in time and try to fight for you, I wish I could stop blaming myself. People, even your parents, tell me it wasn't my fault that there was nothing I could do to save you, yet still I feel the guilt weighing on my chest.

I still visit your grave at least once a month, just to talk to you and feel close to you again, and again today I will spend awhile sitting with you just talking to you, the one thing I make sure I do often. I just wish you were still here, that I could hear your voice, or see your face once more, but I haven't been able to do that since that terrible day years ago. I still hear your cries of pain, I still see you lying there bleeding while I was being attacked, and how I wish I could trade places with you. You were such a good person, and I know you are still looking out for me from above, as you always looked out for me while you were still alive, I must believe you are my guardian angel, and will be there for me the day I pass on. Now I have a few very good friends and I am sure you had a hand in me finding them, so thank you.

Whenever I can, I look at the stars as we used to do, you were so into astronomy, and now I see you among the stars, as one of the bright spots in the darkness of the night sky. I still lie down outside under the stars looking up and talk to you, sending up my voice, hoping it somehow reaches your ears. I still have a picture of you, just one from your last year of school that I keep and bring with me when I visit your grave, so I can look at you while I talk to you.

I miss you so much, and the friendship we had, it was like a bright spot among a bitter life. The people who killed you went to jail, but one was just released, but I am glad they all were punished some, and I wish I could have done something to help put them away, but I was too scared to say anything in court, and I hope that doesn't make you think ill of me.

You are still my best friend, you are still a part of my life, even though your life was stolen. I am so sorry I tried to forget you, but for awhile it was just to painful to remember you, I tried to forget what happened to you, but I never really could, and now I am glad I could not forget you. There is so much I wish I could tell you now, but I just can't get it out, I miss you my friend, and I always will. I will look out for my friends now that you helped me find as you looked out for me during your life, please stay with me my friend, and please let me never forget you again. I miss you and still love you as a brother, and I always will.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#126164 - 02/03/04 04:07 PM Re: Happy Birthday My Friend, possible trigger
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Scott you have made me cry. To remember Andy in such a way is really to honour him. By so doing a part of him will live with you. I think Andy would want you to be the man you were meant to be and live life to the fullest.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#126165 - 02/03/04 05:30 PM Re: Happy Birthday My Friend, possible trigger
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
scott,
this has power. thank you for sharing it with us. andy's journey is elsewhere now, but i believe he has no regrets about his friendship with you and that he is proud of what you have continued to accomplish. take care, scott.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#126166 - 02/05/04 11:18 PM Re: Happy Birthday My Friend, possible trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
(((((Scott)))))))

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#126167 - 02/07/04 12:16 PM Re: Happy Birthday My Friend, possible trigger
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
God, Scott,

I'm crying. Crying for your friend, crying for you, crying for us all.

Te evil that was done to us will NEVER crush out humanity. You are a good man, and more human than a lot of other folks out there calling themselves so.

Andy, well, he's at peace and he died doing the right thing. It isn't a comfort, I know, but if we could all go out that way, for something we believed in, thought was worth fighting for, we'd al have a good death, one with meaning. But it's more important that we live for something while we're here, and I think Andy'd be very pleased with how you're living your life.

And, Scott, I know other people have told you this, and I know you know it, but you need to hear it again in order to BELIEVE it. Andy's death wasn't your fault. Never your fault. NEVER! It was the scumbag rejects who killed him, NOT YOU. And I know that someday you;ll believe that.

God, I wish, I wish there was something I could say to take the pain away, but I can't. I share your pain, though, and I miss him, even though I never met him. Andy sounds like he's a quality being, and he's among the stars he loved so much. Look to the stars, my brother, that's where you'll find him. Look for what's good in your life (and you have), that's where you'll find him too.

It was said in the Bible when the Apostles went to Jesus' tomb, "why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here. he is Risen." Andy isn't among the dead, he lives. He lives in you, and I know you honor him every day.

I've gone on too long. This was hard to read, but I'm so glad you shared it.

Peace to you, my friend, Scott.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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