I mean what can make things better? Is it just a matter of getting over it or accepting it? I just feel like I will always feel this way. Sometimes I find myself being happy or content, but as soon as I realize what is happening it ends. Much like the coyote when he realizes he is flying falls to earth. I think I don't have anything to be happy about, and I realize that I am still me. And that depresses me.
I know that healing must involve exploring what has happened and how it has changed me. But I don't know how to do that. It's hard to put the effects with a cause. Does anyone know what I mean?

Buster

Read my "Who'll stop the rain" post in Friends and Family section. My posts always seem to present a different POV.

Hey Buster!

While I may be new to this healing thing myself (with only one person actually knowing that I was even abused), I must say that healing is a process. Yes there are times to ponder over everything and "think," but other times, you must also relax and go with the flow. What has helped me progress is to think, "Okay, so what now...what's with the self pity. Where am I in my life and where is it that I want to be? Is there anything I can do to get there? What if I do that thing? What's the worst thing that can happen? What's the best thing that can happen?" Don't get me wrong--more often than not, perhaps, I fail and end up with "no change" like you--and sometimes, I end up perhaps in a slightly worse place than before. Still, I find that surviving itself has been a feat that helps me in my healing--failures have actually even strengthened me. Hey...you too have survived abuse and are continually trying to move on. In effect, you are actually healed--so long as you never give up and keep looking up

Hey Buster,
I went to see my therapist a few days ago and persented your question to him...He asked me the same thing that #1 said...where do you want to go???????? I told him no where...that I liked Baltimore...I like getting him pissed off...humor helps alot! Where do you want to go?...that's the question of a life time for a male SA survivor...so easy to ask and answer..some where in the mind where this shit doesn't bother us...Right? So easy to say but it's a long time in coming...don't off yourself, get pro help and WAIT and WAIT and WAIT...you will get well or die of old age!!! You maybe like me and hate waiting for anything...go on to attact the problem with no rules bared...I like the guy who found "LOVE" and got well...if you can...more power to you but most male survivors of SA have to do LSD or whatever to find love without years of going nuts. You are here...that's a good start..find out where your head is now...what is it that fucked your mind up the most and still is..this takes lots of time and pro help but once you do you can make positive moves to repair yourself...feel better about yourself...live with yourself...I like the new idea of acting it out with you in control this time...cuts down on the time needed to be well again..if that is posible for you...set around and wait or act. By acting it out I have gained lots of relief, understanding, don't hate myself for the SA, have some fun but still don't really know where it is that I want to go! Action is a lot better than waiting around for someone or time to fix you...I hope you luck!!!!!!

Eddie

Buster, I'm still trying to figure out the healing part myself, but I can tell you that I relate to what you are saying. Many times when things are going very well, and I am doing things for myself and succeeding, something just kicks in and I stop. It's like part of me says "you don't deserve this" and so I have to screw it up. This has happened over and over and over and over and over and over and OVER, for so long. So I can completly understand where you are coming from. You're not alone.

~Eric

Buster,

My theme for today is loving myself, and as i sit here feeling my feelings for today, realizing i f*ck*d up a bit in the past few days i am reminding myself at every turn that i love myself for trying, i love myself for hanging in there with me and i love myself for making mistakes and learning.

Thats what helps me, i continually refine my ability to love myself, in the beginning it was very awkward and difficult for me, i hated myself, and i slowly moved to being able to just love myself for being a trusting kid that got taken for a ride and then some, then i started loving myself for learning all the sick lessons my family and life taught me, i mean i was a good student, i learned all there sick crap really well, i did a lot of looking at what i was doing and how i was feeling and i had some huge puzzles to put together, i didnt have all the pieces, i still dont, but i keep working on my puzzle and i keep loving myself the best i can, i figure thats about the best i can do, and it does help me feel a lot better about things.

So my formula, keep the eyes open, the ears open, keep talking, let myself make mistakes, let myself learn, love myself as much as i can, sometimes just for hating things so much, i mean you have to admire my spunk, and i try to remember that i was just a little boy, and it was wrong, and there fault, sometimes its so heavy, but i get up each day and i keep going, i have come close to suicide a few times, but i like the look of the grass from the top side, i plan on staying a while.

I wish you the best,

John

Its a really tough question. One th ing for me was one day I was talking about my wife. I treated her like shit but she was trying to stick by me. I was with my shrink, feeling sorry for myself, all the usual saying she deserved better, and my shrink made me see that there must be somethng good in me if this beautiful smart woman loved me. I think the guys who're married ar real lucky to have someone to stick by them and help them with this thing. If you have kids, same kind of thing. REadinig some of the posts here I told myself that I didn;t want the SA to be my life. I didn;t want people to say poor Doug, he was abused as a kid and it wrecked his life. I didn;t want to be remembvered as a guy who left his wife and kids. I want to people to know that SA hapened to me but I lived my life anyway and was a good guy and fun to be with. I don;t want the SA to be the story of my life. It;s hard, and things are going real good for me right now, and I wonder if it;ll all come crashing down, like I can;t believe that it got better but it did.