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#125495 - 02/26/06 11:47 PM Re: Accepting Personal Responsibility
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Adam,

Some of the things you are saying really resonate with me. Like you, I made some choices when I was very young and very much influenced by other people's treatment of me, that have changed the course of my life.

I am not talking about the kind of choice that a young child makes, to be in what turns out to be the wrong place at the wrong time, or even the choice that children make all the time, to trust the adults around them. I don't think anyone is asking us to take responsibility for decisions like those-- and in fact, part of what happens when we START taking responsibility for our own actions, is that it becomes easier to let go of the feeling that we are responsible for this stuff that was really out of our hands.

But as a teen I made some choices which got me pregnant. My partner made some choices which contributed to that too.

I can look at the choices I made which led to becoming a young parent, and not blame myself or feel bad about them. But what am I supposed to do-- not take on all the responsibilities of good parenting, because I'm not to blame for the loss of my own childhood? Should I blame my children for it? Should I act in ways that hurt them for it? I wouldn't be any better than the people I DO blame, if I did that.

And when you get right down to it, there were only two of us in the room when my oldest was conceived-- and we both knew what we were doing, even if at the time, we didn't really know why.

My partner and I are totally responsible for the births of our children and we have acted like it from day one. It's not always easy but it's not optional either. And it's not about blame or fault. It's about accepting where you are at, and just doing what's best for you, without getting hung up on WHY you are where you're at. There is plenty of time for the why, too-- but not at the same time.


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#125496 - 02/27/06 12:55 AM Re: Accepting Personal Responsibility
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
MAY TRIGGER this post has helped me a lot so i'm going to ask one more question in the hope that someone can help me believe its not my fault . i understand that accidents happen but in reality people cause accidents .at age 8 i made a decision to push my brother ,as a result he died . how can i not take responsibility for something that my actions caused .also this started a chain of things that were my life ,my mother disappeared into drugs and booze ,my dad who could no longer endure the sight of me abandoned me with a known pedophile , i understand that an 8 year old can not take responsibility ,but does that excuse the 21 year old from the responsibility? as i said digging too deep is a dangerous thing sometimes .we might not like what we find ,andrew i totaly understand that your only intention with this post was to offer help so its cool ok? adam

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#125497 - 02/27/06 04:06 AM Re: Accepting Personal Responsibility
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Adam,
Pushing your brother is unrelated to an adult taking advantage of you sexually. It would also not be unusual for a pedophile to be opportunistic and take advantage of your unfortunate situation. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#125498 - 02/27/06 06:09 PM Re: Accepting Personal Responsibility
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
***triggers***

Dear Adam and all the guys reading,

Your post regarding your brothers death really touched my heart.

I, too, carried the suspicion of my guilt in the death of a loved one and in my mind linked it to the sexual abuse.

I am so grateful that I finally found this place where I have learned that I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SEXUAL ABUSE THAT HAPPENED TO ME.

By first clearing out that horrible misconception with which the abuser left me, I was later on (with a lot of help) to begin to clear up many other very wrong ideas that I had got into my head during the years following the sexual abuse when I was living alone with the secrets of what had happened.

I hope that you won't mind if I share a bit of my story here. It seems to me that it is similar to what you are experiencing and perhaps it may help you. I hope so. I know it helps me to be able to share so openly here what I kept as a shameful secret for so long.

While I was being sexually abused by this 55 year old man (I was 15 when it started), I got the chance to return home to visit my mother, whom I loved very much.

A little background here: I had left home when I was 14 because my mom had remarried and the man she married was abusive to me and threatened to kill me.

I was left basically homeless, broke and with no prospects. That is the condition that the abuser found me in. He used all that to trap me in the sexual abuse.

After almost a year of living far away from my mom with the abuser, I got the chance to return home to see my her. During the trip home, I thought about staying in Texas near her, and never returning to the perpetrator of the sexual abuse again.

Very tragically, my mom was killed in an automobile accident during the week that I was there to visit. It was of course absolutely devestating to me. I loved my mom so much.

And now she was gone and somewhere in my very confused and grieving mind I figured that I was responsible for her death. That I was committing horrible sins with the abuser and that was why my mom was killed. It was my fault.

I cannot tell you how many years of agony I went through with that false sense of responsibility ripping at my guts.

I figured I was responsible for being abused, because I craved the love and attention I could not get at home, and I figured I was responsible for my mom's death because I had left and then come back to see her which caused her to take the road she was killed on.

It was only when, by the grace of God, I was given the insight that I WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE ABUSE, that I was finally led to see THAT I WAS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MY MOTHER'S DEATH.

The accident that killed her was caused by a man who was driving drunk. It was his fault not mine.

I apologize for burdening you with this sadness. It happened to me when I was 16 years old that I lost my mom. And I did not begin to give up those ideas of false responsibility until I was about 36 years old.

I hope no one else would have to suffer that agony for that long. I hope that you especially do not have to suffer that.

When I truly began to let go of the responsibility for the abuse, I was then able to let go of other responsibility that I falsely gave myself, like my mom's death.

THEN, I was able to begin to assume the true responsibility for myself, my life, my choices and my happiness. It is not easy, even today, years after beginning this path.

There is no ON/OFF switch to flip. For me, it seems to be a life long process--a wonderful process, I might add.

But as I have continued to practice I have gotten better at accepting my personal responsibility and at tossing out those false notions that I had for so long.

Now I can truly honor the memory of my mom who I love very deeply without the mistaken sense of shame and guilt that I carried for so long.

I wish you and all of us here the gift of healing. It is possible. I know it is because it is happening for me.

Thanks for reading.

Regards,

Danny

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#125499 - 02/27/06 06:24 PM Re: Accepting Personal Responsibility
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
danny your post took lots of guts thank you ,in my case my jelousy of my dad and my brother caused me to do things to try to prove myself ,and in the process i tried to drive our tractor which i could not do ,my brother tried to jump on and stop it but i wanted so bad to prove i could do it that i pushed him off and he got run over. it was my need to be part of what they had that caused all of this

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#125500 - 03/15/06 07:20 AM Re: Accepting Personal Responsibility
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I think this is most important. To accept responsibility of what is ours. What happen to us before, we are not responsible of. We are not responsible for action of other person. But what we do now, what we choice now, it is of our doing, our choice. That is what I am responsible for now. Not the child I was. The man I will become.

VN


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#125501 - 03/23/06 05:32 PM Re: Accepting Personal Responsibility
BFREE Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/22/06
Posts: 15
Loc: CA
I'm new and I am really enjoying this topic. Of course I've always like controversy. Sometimes in the midst of confrontation we really finally see for the first time what the other guy is trying to say. The passionate opinions expressed here rather than drive me away, make me want to stick it out, it reminds that I'm still a man.

I'm taking time off work to deal with issues that I buried for about 15 years. While I may want to tell my boss I need time off because of abuse issues I probably won't. My job may be in jeopardy at this point and if I lose it I would be responsible for that. It hurts to say that but its the gutshot truth. A stronger person could probably process all this and still go to work, I am not that person yet. So while I was initially a little irritated by the website posting, I felt relieved to know that I am responsible for how I choose to react to something. I am determined to recover if its costs me my job then,"damn the torpedoes full speed ahead."


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#125502 - 03/23/06 11:47 PM Re: Accepting Personal Responsibility
alexey Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/16/05
Posts: 1674
Loc: Moscow, Russia
I've read what a person who doesn't believe in personal responsibility feel, and it's really about me. "Life is unfair! There is no sense in trying to take control of my life."

My only disagreement with the content of these points is that sometimes you can really make steps that ruin your life and take MUCH time to restore your optimistic view of life. It's time when you can accept your weaknes and accept some of the points mentioned on that site. That doesn't mean that you are a failure. It's a temporary pessimistic attitude. That's the feeling I'm living now with.

Alex

_________________________
(\__/)
(='.'=)
E[:]|||||[:]3
(")_(")
--------
When you feel all alone and unhappy, turn to you Inner Child and talk to Him.
You will see He can comfort you like nothing else!

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