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#125400 - 02/13/06 03:27 AM It's too much & I don't know what to do.
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
I don't know where to post this, or even if I am allowed to post things that don't deal with SA on this site, but I'm guessing that Off Topic means just that. If it is not in the right place, or if it shouldn't be here at all, the Mods can remove it. I just need to vent.

Sometimes lately, I feel life is too much. I am NOT suicidal, let me make that perfectly clear. I just feel overwhelmed at times and it scares me.

My sexual abuse issues bother me. Why didn't I tell anyone when it was happening? Why do I feel ashamed? Why do I feel guilty for not telling so maybe another kid wouldn't have been abused? Why was I selfish like that? Why do I do stupid things to cope like acting out? Why can't I be normal and get over it already? It's been 33 damn years! How did I let it ruin my marriage? Why did I think I could have a relationship with someone when I could barely stand to be touched? What made me think that I could be any kind of father to children when I want to be left alone most of the time?

The failure of my marriage bothers me. Why can't I get used to being alone, when the entire time I was married I looked for ways to be alone? Why do I hate my life now? Why do I hate being alone, and why am I lonely? Why can't I find a hobby, or read a book to keep myself occupied? What am I going to do for the rest of my life? Will I always be alone? Why do I cry over the loss of my wife, when it's obvious I didn't do enough while I was married to her? Why do I miss my home? My yard? Why can't I recognize and make this condo my home?

The suicide of my son bothers me most of all. Why couldn't I save him? Why didn't I send him to better doctors and therapists? Why didn't I spend more time with him? Why didn't I understand him more? Why when he was alive did I lose my patience with him? Why did I say terrible things to him in times of anger? Why am I a total jackass? Why would God allow me, as mucked up as I am, to have a child that needed extra love and nurturing? When will I realize that no matter how much I wish it, or pray for it, that I cannot take my son's place? Why do I want so much to be with him now? Why although I believe in God, do I worry if my boy is indeed safe and whole now? Why is it that every time I see a young man walking down the street, or see a wrecker driving down the street, my heart actually aches and I can't breathe?

What kind of father am I being to my dear surviving son, who has lost as much as I have this year? I spend as much time as I can with him, but this is his senior year in high school and soon he will be gone. Then I will have lost both sons and my wife. Will he want to come around me? Does he know that I love him even though I tell him I do every time I see him? Does he realize he is the most important person in my life? Why does he at times act as if he has to look after me, instead of the other way around?

I wonder how people survive that have lost their entire families in one single hurricane, tornado, auto accident, etc. Then I feel guilty for feeling this way. They have things much worse than I do, and yet they survive. Why am I such a wuss? Why do I think I have it so rough? When am I going to quit feeling sorry for myself and step up to the plate and live life? Why can't I?

Why although I am on medication for depression and seeing a therapist, do I still feel frightened, alone, and hopeless? Why do I want to live my life in an alcohol induced haze?

What makes me selfish to the point that I come to Male Survivor to read others' posts soley for my benefit, but lately I hardly have the patience to type a response of hope or encouragement to them? Why do I have trust issues here? This site has helped me more than anything in my 33 years trying to survive this stuff. The guys here encouraged me to get a therapist. This site helps me more than my therapist or medication. Some of the men here are my "brothers", truly. I never thought I would say it about another male, but I truly love them. Why then am I too selfish to give back? What is wrong with me?

It just seems that lately, it's too much, and I don't know what to do or where to begin doing it. I'm sorry, I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I am overwhelmed. I haven't had a drink today...perhaps that's it. I know that is not true, but where does it end and begin to get better? When am I going to learn to live life for the moment, and quit longing for some of the past and regretting other parts of the past?

There is no need to respond to this rant. I just had to get it out.


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#125401 - 02/13/06 07:32 AM Re: It's too much & I don't know what to do.
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Rich,

(((((((Rich)))))))

I know you said there's no need to respond, but I feel compelled to.

The fact that your son is so solicitous of his father shows what an awesome kid that he is. Just continue to love him. It's obvious that he loves you. I think this is something you can be proud of my friend.

I too have felt the way you do about this place and my friends here. I feel sometimes that I suck the courage and life from them in an effort to feed my own needs and give nothing in return. Then I have to turn and remember that you guys are teaching me to care, to love, to be more concerned for others than for myself. It still does not come naturally for me sometimes, but I hope I am learning.

I see a lot of caring in your posts, Rich. Sure, you don't post as often as some, but I believe you too are learning just as I and the others here. That's one of the reason's this place exists is to teach us how to love once more.

You'll be in my thoughts and prayers, friend.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
ďLifeís journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ĎHoly ____Ö! What a ride!íĒ ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#125402 - 02/13/06 08:14 AM Re: It's too much & I don't know what to do.
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Rich,

I wish there were answers for so many of the questions you ask. I think we have all asked a lot of these over and over. I can only say what has helped me.

On the past, well, a child just doesn't have the resources and tools to cope with something as terrible as sexual abuse. As adults we see all kinds of things we could /should have done, but when we were boys, believe me, those options were just not there. It is natural for us to look back and feel guilty about, for example, why we did not do anything that could have saved other kids, but that is being unfair to ourselves. None of the blame for this belongs to us. It was abusers who were at fault.

On acting out, failed relationships, and so on, I guess there it gets more difficult. But Rich, again, we have to look back at what was done to us. The effects don't just disappear because we turn 18 or 21 or some other magical adult age. We carry the burden of the trauma along with us and it distorts how we see the world. We don't even know how bad things are I think - I didn't, at least.

Maybe it helps to look at what we DID accomplish. We survived, for one thing, and some don't. We didn't become abusers as adults. We found careers and meaningful jobs and we tried to reach out for love and companionship in meaningful ways. Sometimes this outreach didn't work, and yes, that's so sad. But we did do our best.

I often wonder why didn't I recognize how messed up I was, why didn't I get help sooner? The answer is very simple - I wasn't ready. We all begin to fight back when we are ready, and when that moment is will vary because we are all different. Not better or worse, just different and unique individuals.

I think the worst thing in the world would be to lose a child, and I am quite sure I would blame myself, as you do. But I am sure you did all you could to make him feel safe and loved. I can see that in how your surviving son reacts to you. Clearly he loves you and cares a lot about you.

You contribute so much here Rich, and I would not compare yoursaelf with anyone else on the site. Why should you? We each contribute in our own way, and even the fact that we come here is a sign of commitment and compassion, not just an indication of what we need for ourselves.

Trust is a funny thing - once it is gone it is so difficult to relearn how to do it. Every time I post here I wonder what will be said in response, will I get torn apart, am I being an idiot or a fool? Is it really safe for me to say how I feel? But we just keep on I guess, and perhaps the answer to some of these kinds of questions is that progress comes slowly, so slowly that we don't see it until something big happens and we realize how we responded in a new and healthier way.

I guess the bottom line is that sometimes we will all look back and feel overwhelmed at how abuse has affected our lives. It's a good thing that we see this, because that's how it is. I personally think that sexual abuse is just about the worst thing that can be done to a boy. I also hope I never forget what it was like to endure it and then to try to recover from it.

But I do think we finally reach a point where we can look back and not be hurt all over again by the memories. I think we do find peace. I certainly wish that to you my friend.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#125403 - 02/13/06 04:39 PM Re: It's too much & I don't know what to do.
johnsurvived Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/20/05
Posts: 332
Loc: Arlington, Virginia
Rich,

My heart goes out to you. You've got so much pain, and so many reasons to be hurting. You also, in amongst the overwhelming stuff, point out that you have a surviving son who is the most important person in your life. Strong reason, if any were needed, to keep working on stuff until it gets better for you.

One paragraph in your post needs metion:

Quote:
Why although I am on medication for depression and seeing a therapist, do I still feel frightened, alone, and hopeless? Why do I want to live my life in an alcohol induced haze?
Rich, there are two questions there. The first is an excellent one to bring here. A lot of us take the meds, see the ts, yet still feel scared, lonely, without a future. It's supposedly residual from how we felt during our abuse phases -- we were frightened by what was happening in our lives, what was happening to us, what was happening in us; we had no one to trust with that fright, we were children alone with some very big bad secrets; ergo, we felt we had no hope for a better future other than to just hold it in, buckle down, wait, and see if things would get better. It got us through, but it wasn't a great recipe for future successes...and we ended up living it over and over and over.

Your second question, about why you want to live life in an alcohol-induced haze, is possibly better addressed to some other recovery group. There is a lot of cross-over of issues in the survivor community, but sometimes you need to take the big questions to the experts in the relevant field.

Rich, good for you for venting. The fact you feel safe enough to do your venting here is a good thing. Keep us posted on what happens from here.

{{{Rich}}}

John

_________________________
Take for us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards; for our vines have tender grapes. Song of Solomon 2:15

But let justice roll down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream. Amos 5:24

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#125404 - 02/14/06 02:05 AM Re: It's too much & I don't know what to do.
Rustam Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/27/04
Posts: 471
Loc: UK
Rich,

It seems only natural that you would be feeling as you do. The grief over you sons death and the break-up of your marriage is bound to hurt and hurt bad. I am not surprised that it feels too much, you are doing well keeping your head above water right now, the pain will ease but its going to take time.

Itís a big adjustment to being single and living by yourself, naturally its going to feel very hard, two big losses and its so recent.

I have asked myself all kinds of questions when I lost a friend to suicide, all the what ifs. The guilty feelings from the sa made that guilt worse for me but anyone loosing a child to suicide would have that terrible guilty grief. I remember you talking about your son when he was going through a hard time on one of my rare visits to chat. You were concerned and loving about him, and the burden of his illness sounded very hard. You did all you could, its human to loose patience under that pressure. The suicide rate among people with schizophrenia is very high I forget the exact numbers now, but no matter what anyone did or didnít do the result would probably be the same. A loving God would make sure your son is safe and at peace.

You are not being a wuss, what you are living with is rough very rough, donít expect too much of yourself, you are doing the best you can. Your goodness shines out of your posts, I donít say that lightly I really see a thoroughly decent good man in all I have seen of you here.

Be as gentle and kind to yourself as you can through this, it wonít always feel as hard as it does now.

Peter.


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#125405 - 02/15/06 01:25 AM Re: It's too much & I don't know what to do.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Rich
I can't answer a single one of your "why's", but feel so many of them, or at least I have felt them.
Unfortunately you're feeling feeling them all at once.

But at least you recognize all the shit that's going on, and apart from the temptation to drown the shit ( it doesn't work )anything positive you can do has to begin with recognizing it.

Keep talking to your T, come here and give us earache - together we can share the shit out some.
The last thing you need right now is to bottle all this shit up inside you.

Keep talking Rich, eventually some of it might begin to make some sense, the rest will surely follow.

Take care
Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#125406 - 02/16/06 01:10 AM Re: It's too much & I don't know what to do.
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
John, Larry, John, Peter, and Dave,

Thanks for your encouragement to my rant. I really wasn't looking for a response, just needed to get it out. However, I'm glad you guys did respond. I admire each of you and certainly respect your opinions and suggestions.

I am OK the past 2 days. Go figure! This stuff seems to build like a wave out at sea until it crashes all at once on shore, then it's back out to sea for a while.

I know there aren't answers to these questions. If there were, surely I would have figured out the answers to at least a few of them. They are just those nagging questions that rear their ugly heads from time to time. I guess because I have always had low self esteem, I am easy prey on these kinds of thoughts. I always take all the blame. It's easier to just go along sometimes.

Thanks again, guys. I ask you, where else can a guy get advice and help from friends, one on the east coast, one on the west coast, one in Europe, and 2 in the UK? Male Survivor is awesome, but only as awesome as the guys in it.

Dave, I've known you were awesome since I first started coming here. You were one of the first people to welcome me here. The rest of you have helped me many times this past year, too. Know that you are appreciated.

Thanks again.


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#125407 - 02/18/06 12:58 AM Re: It's too much & I don't know what to do.
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Rich, you have so much on your plate... and so much sadness. I'll keep you in my prayers and thoughts. You are a gentle and kind soul. Peace, Andrew

_________________________
there is no courage without anxiety

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#125408 - 02/18/06 01:55 AM Re: It's too much & I don't know what to do.
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
Rich - I cannot read right now all of your post -

but from how you have been to me -

I can say this - You have always been marvelously supportive - and given so much -

in your sincerity and being yourself-

I read one of the begining lines... "what kind of father...?"

I can only say - relate to your song as a young you - or as a young child of perhaps someone else -
as you cannot assume really anything of his experience -

genetically you are a part of each other -

but the mix of each individual is entirely different --

I would say - start with talking to him seeing the true surface of his reality - his emotions and say - "are you ok?"
" how are you holding up?"
this year has been rough...

if he gives all'sunshine" that is probably denial - and maybe time for a t

if it's really really negative - the same-

but if he seems to be processing -or struggling

maybe you can offer helpful words to him - to express - sadness - anger - et al..

none of us are great at emotions - that is the day to day - but to say it - get it out - is essential -

these are my thoughts unedited - i am sorry if they are taking too many liberties -
m

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#125409 - 02/18/06 01:57 AM Re: It's too much & I don't know what to do.
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
he is learning by your example -

you are - his role model - even if you are not talking to him -

what you do - he sees as "that is what i should do - or how it is I should handle myself "

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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