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#125332 - 02/07/06 10:00 PM Chat room courtesy
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
I just wished to say, please remember how you speak in chat room. What kind of comment and joke is ok with your friend that you know maybe is not ok in the open chat, but best be in the private chat. A friend went into chat room one day last week, who only is been in there few times before. He go in there and there is no one he knows at all, and after while there is sexual jokes being said from one person to another in the main room. He was triggered and just left. It would not have triggered me, my abuses were different, but I would have been offended by it also. It bothers me that a person go into there to find support and have that happen instead. We can not all 'walk the eggshells' with each other. But we can respect each other enough to not speak like that in open chat when there are new people or people we don't know in there. It is not censering, it is just respect for another survivor.

Andrei


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#125333 - 02/07/06 10:44 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Androsh,

yes I know chat can be bad, it is real time chat in there.
We all need to respect others feelings in there.
I know things go on in there.

One guy asked me if it was a hook up area, I said ask the mods!
How offensive was that!

I think it is up to your own safety to block individuals who upset you, but they should not discuss sexual issues openly, and they should not deny nor pry into your own feelings.

Hey, I am glad to see you back little brother,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#125334 - 02/08/06 03:30 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
johnsurvived Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/20/05
Posts: 332
Loc: Arlington, Virginia
Androsh,

There are so many things that can trigger a person. I feel less safe in chat when people make even marginally homophobic statements; I'm more comfortable with people's sexual content. I notice that the straight guys tend to be quite open about, for example, wanting to hook up with blond secretaries, or liking breasts, or whatever. I'm fine with that, it's a way that men talk to each other. I'm less fine with it if I don't have equal freedom to talk. Ste, you have it right on the head, that we need to respect the feelings of others in chat. We also need to understand our own boundaries, and realize that not everything that is posted in the chat window is a boundary violation for everyone present.

This is a worthwhile thread, and I would love to hear others open up on the subject. Who knows? If there's a group consensus, we the members may even autonomously create workable rules without appealing to the mods....

John

_________________________
Take for us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards; for our vines have tender grapes. Song of Solomon 2:15

But let justice roll down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream. Amos 5:24

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#125335 - 02/08/06 05:18 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
TJ jeff Online   content

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3354
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Andrei,

I know exactly the chat you are talking about - I should of spoke up and said something - I myself was mildly triggered that night (which I did'nt even really realize untill much later) - I know it was just joking around between two younger guys - but you are right that it should of been done through PM and not in the main chat room...

Sexual jokes - even ones thought to be in good humor - should only be said between people who know each other well enough to know how they are going to react to it - they should not be said around people who they do not know...

I think what we really need to do is respect the feelings of those who we do not know so well in the chat rooms...

we can always joke with our friends in private - but if a new person is highly triggered by something said in chat - it is very unlikely that they will go back there again...

just my 2 cents...

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#125336 - 02/08/06 06:56 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
Nathan LaChine Offline
Webmaster
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/22/03
Posts: 5378
Loc: Washington State
Everyone,

Let us always remember the reason we are here..... We where abused, hurt in ways that no one should ever have to go through. We are here to heal and offer support to one another. If you feel hurt or think something was said that may not be right please bring it to a mod. We are here to help but we cannot help if we do not know their is a problem.

lots of love, Nathan


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#125337 - 02/08/06 10:12 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I wasn't in the chat in question, but sure, it needs to be borne in mind that we are all different and have different issues and boudary problems. It's a delicate question, since at the same time there's no point in having a chat room if those in it feel they must walk on eggshells all the time. It's just a matter of finding a courteous and caring middle ground where everyone can speak freely and still feel safe.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#125338 - 02/08/06 12:40 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Good old chat.
Guys telling sexual jokes, yes that is what they do, tell jokes.

It is there for your benefit to talk things out, and yes, joking should be OK, but consider the feelings of others who think sexual jokes are offensive.

There are certain ones I totally block, there are others who I warn new members about, it is then up to them to have dialogue or block them.

All the chat logs are>
_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#125339 - 02/08/06 03:58 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
if i was part of the conversations in question then i am sorry ,but chat is not like posting ,you dont have hours to think about what your saying or how it may affect others ,but in reality any thing said there could be a trigger to someone .many times someone will ask me about my abuse and if i answer truthfully ,you can watch people just disappear ,like oh i cant handle this! but should i censor my answer?is this place not about the truth? also it can be disheartining to think damn even here i dont fit in .i have been told that i am a fool to think some stupid little chat is going to change anything ,that i'm an idiot for thinking i'll get better,that the things said in chat are stupid ,personal attacks on me ,but you know what if that person felt that way he had every right to say so and even though it hurt me i was not offended by it because it was someones true feelings being let out. things happen in chat that dont happen on the boards ,great things ,people helping people real time not>
_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#125340 - 02/08/06 04:22 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
Steven Heath Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/06/06
Posts: 81
Loc: New York City
ak...i am truly sorry that something in the chat made you uncomfortable...i have been here for about a month...and the chat room certainly is sponateous...and unedited.....but i do not think that anything which was said was specifically to make someone uncomfortable....but it is good that you voice your concern and reaction...that is one of the things that is wonderful about this place...we can feel safe to express what is on our minds....sometimes unfortuately it is a negative trigger...i hope you can work through this...thanks....steve


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#125341 - 02/08/06 06:15 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
Steven Heath,

I appreciate what you say, but it was not me who was in chat and been upset by something. I have not been in chat room probably 2 months. It was friend who only been in there two times before, and did not feel comfortble to speak up when it was that everone else in there know each other. And I am sure whatever it was, whoever it was, it was meant as joke. But to speak of f*ing someone, and in what way, even as joke, is to me rediculous when there are people you do not know in the room also. Perhaps I am too easy offend, but I can understand why it upset my friend, it would just rather anger or offend me, but trigger him, and then he leave the place he go to for help. That is not fair I think.

Anyway, I thank you who all respond.

andrei


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#125342 - 02/08/06 08:03 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
TJ jeff Online   content

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3354
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Nathan,

it was'nt a personal attack of any kind - which is why it was'nt reported...

I just think it's important that we take a second to look around the main room and see if there are new people there before we talk about sexual things

I'm not saying that we should'nt talk about such things - heck, sexual things are some of us's biggest problems

just look around the room and warn new people

perhaps, even us older ones here should look around the room and check in on newer people to make sure they are ok with the conversation that is going on in there...

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#125343 - 02/08/06 08:17 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
just wanted to add that if you only stay in chat for a few minutes it could be scary ,but if you stick around you will see what is really going on ,you will see people concerened when one of us is having medical problems and their life is in a very dark place ,you will hear words of comfort and concern ,you will hear the person in need thanking others for supporting them ,or you might see a person who because of the support of others is opening up for the first time .you will find people who need help now ,not posting about their problems and then waiting days for responses,people pulled back from the edge by a few kind words ,and you know sometimes it gets so bleak for all of us that a little joke could make someone smile ,could be the thing that lets us say oh heck i might as well laugh instead of cry at least for a while ,i think the good done in chat far outweighs the chance that an innocent comment might trigger . i have heard people with life threatening diseases say thanks for making me smile and for caring ,chat is many things but most of all it is a very special place for me .and the same guy who cracks a tasteless joke may be the guy who says something later that makes you feel better ,makes it possible for you to say ok i'll keep trying . i think people need to look beyond what is being said in chat to see the good that is being done there

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#125344 - 02/08/06 08:25 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam,

That's a really good point, and I think it's also worth saying that sometimes a guy will just be so badly triggered, and so unexpectedly, that he has to leave. It doesn't necessarily have to be someone's fault.

There are also times when someone's PC will just crash and he appears to have left in a hurry.

What's especially good about this thread is that everyone sees how important it is that the chat room be as safe and supportive as possible. I have always found it to be a wonderful resource.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#125345 - 02/09/06 01:46 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
There is a lot to learn for many of us about how to interact in the world of the chat room.

I'm not very good at it myself, but here are some of the techniques/ways of relating that I have admired in other guys here at MaleSurvivor:

1) Asking if it is OK to joke during the middle of a conversation that is a bit serious: "Mind if I joke for a minute?". Then, WAIT for the answer, and respond appropriately.

2) When entering the room where conversation is in progress I have seen guys ask: "What is the topic at hand?". Checking to see what the tone of the room is before bursting into song or telling a joke!

3) Another technique I have observed is for a member to sit and listen for a moment or two after greeting others in the chat, just to get an idea of the tenor of the conversation. This is also a time when I've seen a member PM someone who has been in the room to ask what's going on.

4) Asking the question "Would you like some feedback on that?", BEFORE giving advice or counsel. Then following the persons wishes. "No I don't want any feedback right now." can mean "I just want to be heard and I'm not ready to hear what you may have to say about it."

5) Showing respect for another persons 'moment' to be the center of attention. I have seen guys come into the room in the middle of very serious, heart rending chats where a member is pouring out his soul. The new arrival nonchalantly changes the subject to something completely irrelevant and superficial. That can feel so crushing to a man who finally has opened up. I think sometimes this happens when the person coming in finds himself very uncomfortable facing such strong emotions.

6) On the positive side, I have seen guys who when triggered simply say, "Wow, that is so brave of you to share that. I'm not ready right now, but you have my support. Good night."

I could go on and on......and maybe I already have! But these are all very positive things that I have observed over and over again in the MaleSurvivor Chat Room. I believe that I have learned a lot about how to be a better chat participant by paying attention to how some guys handle themselves in chat.

There is a lot of compassion, courtesy, respect and love almost every night in Chat. Every once in a while, things go wrong. But it is almost always a mistake, rather than an intentional wrong.

I guess the thing I have admired the most are those among us who are willing to say, "Hey, I make mistakes too. It's no big deal, let's move on and get back to the business of healing."

That's the great attitude that I see most often in our Chat room.

Someday maybe I'll have learned and remembered enough to be a good chat member myself!

So thanks to all you guys for showing me how it's done. After all, this is a place for learning new ways of being, isn't it?

Regards,

Danny

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#125346 - 02/09/06 09:40 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
hey ak - sorry there was that going on in the chat- i know you said it was not you -
and i can imagine whom it might have been -

it's too bad -

it is hard to be perfect in chat - but also it is necessary and urge us to be vigilant of our conversations especially in light of the nature of why we come here - and that we are all in different stages of healing.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#125347 - 02/10/06 04:07 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
tallsteve Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/06/02
Posts: 404
Loc: Boston, MA
This is a great thread for us to be talking about here. It gives all of a different prespective to think about.

I echo Danny's thoughts about asking to talk about something that we know/feel/suspect/fear might be triggering. We can olny do our best with that. If someone is triggered, then it is up to that man to speak of it directly. We can learn from expresing ourselves and hearing each other.

As a chat participant, I treasure the easy familiarty with the "old timers", those I know well. I am sure many of us in chat have the same feeling for themselves. It is therefore imparitive that we extend ourselves and welcome those new men who have joined our ranks. I really think the kind word when someone is new is critical.

ak, I hope to see you back in chat soon. I have missed you and hope you are doing well.

Steve


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#125348 - 02/10/06 05:14 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Quote:
What kind of comment and joke is ok with your friend that you know maybe is not ok in the open chat, but best be in the private chat.
Androsh,

I think this sentence hits the nail on the head. Each of us can send each other a PM if we wish, even while we are in the chatroom.

I'm sure it was unintentional, but we don't know everyone here, so we sort of have to play it safe in Chat. There are very few guys here that I feel comfortable joking like that with, because I don't know them well enough to know how they will take my joking. I say things to Leshka, that I would not say to you, Androsh. But Leshka and I came to that agreement a while back. If he were in the Chatroom, though (and I've NEVER seen him there) we definitely wouldn't joke with each other like that, because we could very well offend and trigger someone.

I don't think this is walking on eggshells. I think this common courtesy. If you were in an actual room, with a bunch of guys, you wouldn't tell sexual jokes in front of them all unless you knew them all. The Chatroom should be no different.

I also have to agree with Danny regarding coming into the room and beginning to joke around before we are aware of what is going on in there. Tonight, I feel I was guilty of this very thing, and I may have hurt a dear brother here, who was not in a joking mood. I plan to come in and "listen" for a while before I begin typing my lame jokes. It takes a long time for a guy to reveal things about himself to other guys, and takes only a few thoughtless seconds to ruin the experience for him. I'm sorry, guys.


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#125349 - 04/14/06 04:31 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
danny there are many great ideas here, that is great that you wrote it down

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#125350 - 04/14/06 08:50 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
These reviews of chat come up from time to time, and I think it's a good idea to remind ourselves of the special situation a chat room raises on a site like this.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#125351 - 04/17/06 04:05 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Personally, I despise chat rooms - I find it difficult to follow 3 million conversations - maybe it's my ADD that gets in the way. However, I think that this has been a productive thread - maybe the mods along with members' help can come up with some "ground rules" for chat. Things like, for example, 1) Jokes of a sexual nature are inappropriate for general chat... I know that it may sound silly, but there may be some people who are new to the forum and are inexperienced in the knowledge of just how many different things can possibly trigger someone depending on his history of abuse.

just a suggestion - I know that common sense dictates that folks should always be aware of others' feelings and be sensitive to that, but somehow, when things are written in black and white, it makes the ground rules much more apparent and possibly more easily enforced.

Hope the suggestion is helpful.

SD

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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#125352 - 04/18/06 01:41 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
kniob Offline
Member

Registered: 03/04/06
Posts: 47
Loc: NC, USA
While I agree with the joke subject and inapproite comments in the chat...I also think that people should not base who a person is by their username. Example spell my username (On the forum) backwards you get something pretty wild. Most know what it means but when i was 14 i didn't chose it to be mean or hurtful...I got it off a calvin and hobbes comic...but enough about that. so while I think that we should be carful what we say and do in the chat room. I also think that people should try to take the small things with a chuckle.
Thats my 10 cents...

_________________________
If I die, he wins.
Losing is not an option.

Forgive yourself.

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#125353 - 04/18/06 02:35 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i thought this thread died months ago ? the jokes if there ever were any are no long a part of the chat ,for those who do use it the chatroom is so different form posting ,its a little harder because it is real time ,not posting without worrying about the response . from what i can see as much healing is done there as on the db maybe more. it really is a special place and i hate for people to have the wrong impression of it . everyone should try it at least once.

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#125354 - 04/18/06 03:17 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1794
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Gosh, I remember my first time in chat... I triggered the mod with the train noise. I thought he was joking when he said, "oh no, not the train"... so I did it again... with the evil laugh to boot.

We joke about it now.

There truly is a middle way with chat, you can't stop the jokes, but we have to be mindful at the same time.

There are times when I'm there that everyone is joking (me included) and I'll see a couple of quiet folks, and I'll remind everyone that if anyone needs to discuss something they should speak up.

even if the topic is old, it is a good one.

cheers!


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#125355 - 04/18/06 04:22 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Quote:
There are times when I'm there that everyone is joking and I'll see a couple of quiet folks, and I'll remind everyone that if anyone needs to discuss something they should speak up.
Good point Curtis. When I am in chat, which isn't as often as I would like these days, I like to look over the list and see if I can find any new guys. If so I ask them if they are new and then welcome them. They often need that to get started, and in any case it feels so good to be greeted and welcomed to a site like this where you are so nervous as you get started.

My life was decisively affected by the guy who took an interest in me when I first showed up. Something to remember!

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#125356 - 04/19/06 01:01 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Hi guys,

I believe I will finally weigh in on this topic after watching it in silence for many weeks.

Larry said something that I want to comment on.
Quote:
My life was decisively affected by the guy who took an interest in me when I first showed up. Something to remember!
That is so much the truth for me also. The day I found the MS website and popped into chat for the first time was a day that probably many of the old timers here will remember for years to come. There was a huge controversy raging. I'm not going to elaborate on what it was about simply in fear of starting it up all over again, if nothing else.

I thought to myself that this was not the kind of place I really wanted to be in. There were two gentlemen amongst the group that day that messaged me in p2p in an effort to put me at ease and explain to me that this kind of thing was unusual for MS chat. They spent time with me getting acquainted and generally being the loving men they are.

If it had not been for them caring enough to take time with the new guy, in the midst of all the emotion sloshing around in chat that day, I'd probably never have come back to the site.

I guess what I'd say is this. Things are going to get a bit tense at times in chat for any number of reasons. Sometimes people say the wrong things inadvertently or purposely. Sometimes they just use poor judgment. Sometimes there is emotional stuff that just needs to be discussed. Whatever the case, if a new guy shows up, he needs to get a little personal attention and reassurance. As many of you know, it can be scary as hell stepping in for the first time. Lets make sure we give the new guys a break. It may make the difference in their future participation on the site.

Having said all that, I find I spend very little time in chat, at least in comparison to many of you. Perhaps I'll start another thread about that so I can get feedback from you guys about it. I don't want to divert this thread too far from its intended course.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#125357 - 04/19/06 04:10 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
TJ jeff Online   content

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3354
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
I hav'nt weighed in on this discussion yet either - but I have followed it and believe that there are some real good points made in respect to being 'mindful' of the other people that are in the room and what might be going through their minds about whatever the conversation at the time is...

I have been in chat here for over 2 years now - I am in there almost nightly - I have many friends that I talk with there - I do my best to welcome new people - and I will sometimes ask someone if they are ok if I see that they are quiet for a long time -

yes - even I am sometimes triggered in chat - but I honestly don't see that as such a bad thing anymore cause there are usualy people there who can talk through with me why something triggered me - and thus a lot of 'real time' healing can take place in the chat room...

just my 2 cents...

TJ jeff

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#125358 - 04/30/06 04:40 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
after over 5 years here, if someone anyone needed help I would everytime, my painful childhood is enough to make me want to be helpful.

I think this is the best place for men and young men that have been hurt, and a safe place.

there many guys moderating this place, and millions who want it safe.

HUGS to everyone here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

time to get to a conference or retreat to see some friends,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, talk to you guys soon!!!!!!!
Love MJ

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#125359 - 04/30/06 05:31 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
This thread has made so many really good points, and one more occurs to me after reading what John just said.

The chat room is a great resource but it is full of "people", that is, pillars of imperfection. Things can and will go wrong, and an inopportune word can be dropped and have a serious effect in the twinkling of an eye.

But with perhaps one exception (and he doesn't come to the site now) I have never seen anyone come into chat with the aim of looking for trouble. I don't think we need to worry about that, though of course personal feelings can still be hurt.

If that happens to us, or if things get stormy for a few minutes, or if we feel left out, or if someone suddenly leaves, we need to think back to what a great community we have and accept that a blemish will show up from time to time. We can all recall unfortunate episodes, but isn't life itself like that?

Let's all make a special effort to keep chat special, sure, but let's also remember everything in chat is just part of us being human and relating to one another.

Much love,
Larry

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Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
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#125360 - 05/05/06 03:45 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
michael Joseph Offline
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Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
Hey Larry did you know that I think you are great!!!!!!!!!

\:\)

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#125361 - 05/26/06 10:15 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
Leosha Offline
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After re-visiting chat tonight for the first time in months, I am reminded of how, um, 'dynamic' and fast-paced it can be, as well as how emotional.

For future reference for new folks, calling someone you don't know and haven't met before a f**king a**hole, and telling them they should meet your perp, are NOT ways to win friends and influence people! ;\) I'm rather happy that such things only piss me off now, rather then trigger me.

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"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#125362 - 05/26/06 04:24 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
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Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i wonder if anyone realizes that there are people here who are hurt by the constant bad impressions given of the chat room ,those who run it are proud of the job they do as they should be .its not just something they do once a week its something that they feel very strongly about ,i have been in chat almost every night for the last 8 months,and have yet to see any of the things described ,maybe chat used to be that way but its not anymore,or maybe i just been lucky to not see this kind of stuff. i dont want to start a war here but think about the ones who put their hearts into keeping the chatroom open for all of us ,its getting a bad rep and it does not deserve it . shadow

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#125363 - 05/26/06 11:10 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
Leosha Offline
Member
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Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
Shadowkid,

I am very glad that you have been fortunate enough to never have such experiences in the chat room. However, this thread is not at all the first time the issues of chat have been discussed, and it won't be the last, I'm sure. Because people are people, and some people just don't belong here. I have a great deal of respect for anyone who works here as a moderater, whether on the discussion board or in chat. I am fairly good friends with some of them. They are not paid, they are volunteer, and they dedicate a great deal of their lives to keeping this site running and keeping it safe.

But, imagine the kind of person who WANTS to cause problems here, and there are these people, both in the past and I think now. They are not stupid. They will wait until the chat is unmoderated. They will do their verbal abuse and bullying, and assume (often correctly, I think) that people who have been abused in the past will not speak up for themselves or report that behavior. What kind of perverse thrill a person like that gets, I don't know, but they are a pathetic creature. I am glad it's been good for you for 8 months. I've been at this site for about 3 years now, and I have seen a lot of good, and some bad, 'go down' both on the boards and in chat, from some losers with no lives.

In case you hadn't read what I posted, this was something that happened in chat NOT a long time ago, but last night. I know of someone else who reported certain behavior not long ago, and heard of another person who either did or was going to. This is in recent weeks, not 'long ago'. It DOES still happen. If you haven't experienced it, well, lucky you. But you have been posting a lot in this thread, implying that people who choose to NOT go to the chat room haven't given it a chance, or are basing their thoughts on things that happened there long ago. What you are assuming is not necessarily the case, and isn't with me for certain.

I appreciate that you are concerned that people who do dedicate their time in there are being 'slighted' in any way. As I said, I have full respect for all the moderating staff here. But all of those good people can not make this a perfect place, because no such place exists. Sh*t happens, even here. Sticking one's head in the sand doesn't work.

I don't think that the chat room is getting a 'bad rep'. But it's not all sunshine, rainbows, friends and family in there. Just as it isn't here. Here, however, is a bit more controlled, because a toxic post could be reported right away and disappear before it has the chance to negatively affect more people. With chat being spontaneous, what is said is out there, and can't be unsaid. That is just how it is with human beings. And everyone has the right to their opinions, even if others do not agree with them.

I think the initial post here was just requesting a certain level of respect and courtesy among people in the main room. Surely there is nothing wrong with that.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#125364 - 05/28/06 02:26 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16263
Adam,

I admire your dedication to the chat room. Not only do I admire it I appreciate it. The few times I've been there when you were, it seemed a better place because of your presence.

I've had no really bad experiences there, but know of others who have. Because of those bad experiences I understand what you, Leosha, are saying. I know it happens, and it can be quite intimidating and damaging to some who are not in as good a place as others of us.

What I would say in regards to this is for each of us to

1) appreciate the moderators who work so hard to make chat safe, and to tell them so on occasion when we see them in there.

2) report any inappropriate activity that we encounter there to a moderator giving the user name of the individual/s in question and the approximate time/time zone when it occurred so that the mods can go back through the chat logs if necessary to the event in question and take appropriate action.

3) make sure our own activity in chat is appropriate at all times no matter who else is in the room.

I guess what I'm saying is that we each have a part to play in keeping this site safe for everyone to use. Let's do our best to keep it the place it's intended to be.

Lots of love,

John

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“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#354732 - 02/24/11 07:30 PM Re: Chat room courtesy [Re: Leosha]
michael Joseph Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
well as always interesting words from the past

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***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
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