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#125342 - 02/08/06 08:03 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3369
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
Nathan,

it was'nt a personal attack of any kind - which is why it was'nt reported...

I just think it's important that we take a second to look around the main room and see if there are new people there before we talk about sexual things

I'm not saying that we should'nt talk about such things - heck, sexual things are some of us's biggest problems

just look around the room and warn new people

perhaps, even us older ones here should look around the room and check in on newer people to make sure they are ok with the conversation that is going on in there...

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#125343 - 02/08/06 08:17 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
just wanted to add that if you only stay in chat for a few minutes it could be scary ,but if you stick around you will see what is really going on ,you will see people concerened when one of us is having medical problems and their life is in a very dark place ,you will hear words of comfort and concern ,you will hear the person in need thanking others for supporting them ,or you might see a person who because of the support of others is opening up for the first time .you will find people who need help now ,not posting about their problems and then waiting days for responses,people pulled back from the edge by a few kind words ,and you know sometimes it gets so bleak for all of us that a little joke could make someone smile ,could be the thing that lets us say oh heck i might as well laugh instead of cry at least for a while ,i think the good done in chat far outweighs the chance that an innocent comment might trigger . i have heard people with life threatening diseases say thanks for making me smile and for caring ,chat is many things but most of all it is a very special place for me .and the same guy who cracks a tasteless joke may be the guy who says something later that makes you feel better ,makes it possible for you to say ok i'll keep trying . i think people need to look beyond what is being said in chat to see the good that is being done there

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#125344 - 02/08/06 08:25 PM Re: Chat room courtesy
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Adam,

That's a really good point, and I think it's also worth saying that sometimes a guy will just be so badly triggered, and so unexpectedly, that he has to leave. It doesn't necessarily have to be someone's fault.

There are also times when someone's PC will just crash and he appears to have left in a hurry.

What's especially good about this thread is that everyone sees how important it is that the chat room be as safe and supportive as possible. I have always found it to be a wonderful resource.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#125345 - 02/09/06 01:46 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
dwf Offline
Moderator/BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/24/03
Posts: 1223
Loc: Austin, Texas USA
There is a lot to learn for many of us about how to interact in the world of the chat room.

I'm not very good at it myself, but here are some of the techniques/ways of relating that I have admired in other guys here at MaleSurvivor:

1) Asking if it is OK to joke during the middle of a conversation that is a bit serious: "Mind if I joke for a minute?". Then, WAIT for the answer, and respond appropriately.

2) When entering the room where conversation is in progress I have seen guys ask: "What is the topic at hand?". Checking to see what the tone of the room is before bursting into song or telling a joke!

3) Another technique I have observed is for a member to sit and listen for a moment or two after greeting others in the chat, just to get an idea of the tenor of the conversation. This is also a time when I've seen a member PM someone who has been in the room to ask what's going on.

4) Asking the question "Would you like some feedback on that?", BEFORE giving advice or counsel. Then following the persons wishes. "No I don't want any feedback right now." can mean "I just want to be heard and I'm not ready to hear what you may have to say about it."

5) Showing respect for another persons 'moment' to be the center of attention. I have seen guys come into the room in the middle of very serious, heart rending chats where a member is pouring out his soul. The new arrival nonchalantly changes the subject to something completely irrelevant and superficial. That can feel so crushing to a man who finally has opened up. I think sometimes this happens when the person coming in finds himself very uncomfortable facing such strong emotions.

6) On the positive side, I have seen guys who when triggered simply say, "Wow, that is so brave of you to share that. I'm not ready right now, but you have my support. Good night."

I could go on and on......and maybe I already have! But these are all very positive things that I have observed over and over again in the MaleSurvivor Chat Room. I believe that I have learned a lot about how to be a better chat participant by paying attention to how some guys handle themselves in chat.

There is a lot of compassion, courtesy, respect and love almost every night in Chat. Every once in a while, things go wrong. But it is almost always a mistake, rather than an intentional wrong.

I guess the thing I have admired the most are those among us who are willing to say, "Hey, I make mistakes too. It's no big deal, let's move on and get back to the business of healing."

That's the great attitude that I see most often in our Chat room.

Someday maybe I'll have learned and remembered enough to be a good chat member myself!

So thanks to all you guys for showing me how it's done. After all, this is a place for learning new ways of being, isn't it?

Regards,

Danny

_________________________
"Poke salad Annie, 'gators got you granny
Everybody said it was a shame
'Cause her mama was aworkin' on the chain-gang"

-Tony Joe White

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#125346 - 02/09/06 09:40 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
hey ak - sorry there was that going on in the chat- i know you said it was not you -
and i can imagine whom it might have been -

it's too bad -

it is hard to be perfect in chat - but also it is necessary and urge us to be vigilant of our conversations especially in light of the nature of why we come here - and that we are all in different stages of healing.

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#125347 - 02/10/06 04:07 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
tallsteve Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 12/06/02
Posts: 404
Loc: Boston, MA
This is a great thread for us to be talking about here. It gives all of a different prespective to think about.

I echo Danny's thoughts about asking to talk about something that we know/feel/suspect/fear might be triggering. We can olny do our best with that. If someone is triggered, then it is up to that man to speak of it directly. We can learn from expresing ourselves and hearing each other.

As a chat participant, I treasure the easy familiarty with the "old timers", those I know well. I am sure many of us in chat have the same feeling for themselves. It is therefore imparitive that we extend ourselves and welcome those new men who have joined our ranks. I really think the kind word when someone is new is critical.

ak, I hope to see you back in chat soon. I have missed you and hope you are doing well.

Steve


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#125348 - 02/10/06 05:14 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Quote:
What kind of comment and joke is ok with your friend that you know maybe is not ok in the open chat, but best be in the private chat.
Androsh,

I think this sentence hits the nail on the head. Each of us can send each other a PM if we wish, even while we are in the chatroom.

I'm sure it was unintentional, but we don't know everyone here, so we sort of have to play it safe in Chat. There are very few guys here that I feel comfortable joking like that with, because I don't know them well enough to know how they will take my joking. I say things to Leshka, that I would not say to you, Androsh. But Leshka and I came to that agreement a while back. If he were in the Chatroom, though (and I've NEVER seen him there) we definitely wouldn't joke with each other like that, because we could very well offend and trigger someone.

I don't think this is walking on eggshells. I think this common courtesy. If you were in an actual room, with a bunch of guys, you wouldn't tell sexual jokes in front of them all unless you knew them all. The Chatroom should be no different.

I also have to agree with Danny regarding coming into the room and beginning to joke around before we are aware of what is going on in there. Tonight, I feel I was guilty of this very thing, and I may have hurt a dear brother here, who was not in a joking mood. I plan to come in and "listen" for a while before I begin typing my lame jokes. It takes a long time for a guy to reveal things about himself to other guys, and takes only a few thoughtless seconds to ruin the experience for him. I'm sorry, guys.


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#125349 - 04/14/06 04:31 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
michael Joseph Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
danny there are many great ideas here, that is great that you wrote it down

_________________________
Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

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#125350 - 04/14/06 08:50 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
These reviews of chat come up from time to time, and I think it's a good idea to remind ourselves of the special situation a chat room raises on a site like this.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#125351 - 04/17/06 04:05 AM Re: Chat room courtesy
sophiesdad Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/30/05
Posts: 462
Loc: Florida
Personally, I despise chat rooms - I find it difficult to follow 3 million conversations - maybe it's my ADD that gets in the way. However, I think that this has been a productive thread - maybe the mods along with members' help can come up with some "ground rules" for chat. Things like, for example, 1) Jokes of a sexual nature are inappropriate for general chat... I know that it may sound silly, but there may be some people who are new to the forum and are inexperienced in the knowledge of just how many different things can possibly trigger someone depending on his history of abuse.

just a suggestion - I know that common sense dictates that folks should always be aware of others' feelings and be sensitive to that, but somehow, when things are written in black and white, it makes the ground rules much more apparent and possibly more easily enforced.

Hope the suggestion is helpful.

SD

_________________________
There are no unresolved issues - they just didn't resolve themselves the way we would have liked. "Grinder and Bandler - Neuro-Linguistic Programming"

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