short version: Mental Hospital is CHILL dudes! GO!
well things weren't so tightly stretched this week. I forgot to count meals, and became aware of the days instead. Time passed less slowly. I didn't isolate myself so often, it was commented on that I had been appearing in the living room, watching television with the others. Some other patients said they'd thought it was a good thing that I joined in. (That bit was hard to write). One evening I played a board game with four or five other people, and I could see I was joining in and behaving normally and stuff. Just like I could before I saw the horrid awful truth.
I see I am quite normal, just a bit shook up too much, I can act with capability, sound judgement and rationality, being aware of the consequences of my actions and non-aggressive. Or squashed down by fear, anger or depression a moment later.
I had been assuming everything I had achieved, before I found out truly what happened at home, was meaningless and pointless and didn't count, because it hadn't been the 'real' me doing anything. I saw those searching years as a great pointless Quest for an unknown treasure I did not even imagine existed. But when I fell fell near to hell and saw the Truth there carved with blood on stone, I cast aside my mask and said Now ME. Started climbing back up.
Accepting my early adult days, even though I had not once lived up to my own truth. Those boring jobs I did for cash, those cities, seas and deserts crossed, the mountain summits reached in rain and snow, those acts were mine. I'd been there too in every connection with another person. Behind the mask. And rolling back more years, I accept the years before my 'adult' time. I am the boy who hurt and hid and as a consequence, still hides today.
meanwhile back at the clinic I got some more responsibility, helping with meals sometimes, and I joined an organisation called "The Committee for the Living Climate". This is not about sustainable ecologies or climate change alas, what this really means is, I get to empty some ashtrays and sweep floors a couple of times a week.
When I got home i fell into old habits for the weekend. not feeling 200% full of happy-beans. Going back tonight for them to observe me some more.