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#124438 - 09/02/05 03:06 PM Subject: raising boys
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I got this in an email this morning, and thought it was hilarious,

Subject: raising boys


Raising Boys...
a) For those with no children - this is totally hysterical!
b) For those who already have children past this age, this is
hilarious.
c) For those who have children this age, this is not funny.
d) For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning.
e) For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin,
Texas...Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):

1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft.
house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with
roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not
strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear
and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a
paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a
long
way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball
hit
by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's
already
too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even
though a
36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year
old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same
sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still
can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB & J" sandwiches even though TV
commercials
show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do
not
like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms
dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.
25.) Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or
without kids.

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#124439 - 09/02/05 03:28 PM Re: Subject: raising boys
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
And from my own childhood,

If your pet mouse dies, and you make it a coffin from a match box, bury it with its head out.
It will not mysteriously come back to life.

Owl droppings in your car on a hot summers day, is not the best of jokes to play on anybody.

Sugar in a petrol tank does not make a car run any sweeter.

Stretching worms until they snap, does not make two worms.

Pulling the wings off dragon flies, will not make them grow new ones :rolleyes:

Just some of the things in my childhood ;\)

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#124440 - 09/02/05 09:12 PM Re: Subject: raising boys
demonboi Offline
Member

Registered: 05/14/05
Posts: 228
Loc: East Coast
Never give a kid cheetos when they're wearing a dressy shirt or anything white.

_________________________
Every corner, every city
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little Hennessy, laid back and cool
Every hour, cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright
Nothin but peace, love
And street passion, every ghetto needs a thug mansion

Top
#124441 - 09/03/05 01:10 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
1. A bowl of cheerios thrown into a fan is the funniest thing in the world.

2. A car hit by peas from a peashooter can stop in 2.1 seconds.

3. A carp in Mom's washtub can knock the standpipe out.

4. A dead carp starts to smell in 15 minutes.

5. Juice sprayed from trying to crack open your own lobster can hit people at a table 8 feet away.

6. The laundry hamper and the toilet look the same at 3 am.

7. Men's hats (1950s) go all funny when laundry and cleaning supplies are mixed in them.

8. Sisters can be tricked into taking ruined hats to Grandpa as a present.

9. Grandfathers believe girls more than boys.

10. Little sisters think that a nickel is worth more than a dime.

11. Mothers believe girls more than boys.

12. A clove of garlic is just one of those bits, not the whole head.

13. "Add one teaspoon of coffee" means liquid coffee, not coffee grounds.

14. Dads never fall for the water in the gin bottle trick.

15. No neighbors within half a mile of a teenager's house like Jimi Hendrix.

16. Going to a restaurant is especially cool because Dad forgets and leaves money on the table.

17. Sisters will rat you out if you don't share it with them.

18. It is not a good idea to try to leap from a boat to the dock.

19. Docks always have dead fish under them.

20. Docks are never in water less than a mile deep.

21. White underwear goes transparent when it's wet.

22. A girl hitting an egg with a tennis racket...THAT's the funniest thing in the world!

23. It takes an hour to wash egg out of a girl's blouse by hand.

24. No sister will back you up when you say it was her dog that threw up on the carpet.

25. Colt 45 in a cake mix is disgusting.

26. The minister next door will always be home when your parents are away.

27. When you are stoned, hiding with your friends under the picnic table doesn't make you less conspicuous.

28. Mothers cannot fix dead rabbits squashed on the street outside your house.

29. Girls don't appreciate frogs.

30. Mothers think its funny to sew the legs shut on blue jeans that have been patched 20 times and are just getting comfortable.

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#124442 - 09/03/05 01:23 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Quote:
25. Colt 45 in a cake mix is disgusting.
It SOUNDS disgusting! OH man! That is as hard as I have laughed all day.


Top
#124443 - 09/03/05 07:23 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
In that case I am especially glad I posted last night. Thanks for everything SAR.

Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#124444 - 09/04/05 05:21 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
Don-NY Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/02
Posts: 546
Loc: Long Island, NY
I am still laughing about the Cheerios. I'm going to make my niece try that on Grandma. No milk.

One thing I can offer, that I learned the hard way, 3 times - - - Food fights always leave evidence. (top of refrigerator, ceiling, flower vase).

_________________________
If you understand everything, some things are just as they are. If you understand nothing, things are still just as they are.

Top
#124445 - 09/04/05 05:38 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
gryffindor Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/03
Posts: 131
Loc: St. Charles, Illinois
My daughter and I thank you all for the belly laughs.

Mary

_________________________
"Where there's a will, there's a way." American Folk Saying

"Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in darkness, I would not have recognized the light." Midrash Tehillim Ch. 22

Top
#124446 - 09/04/05 11:14 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
sabooka Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/19/05
Posts: 209
Loc: I would like to know also
even little babies who are supposed to smell good make really smelly farts

Jonathan

_________________________
My happiness is not dependant on other people's misery.

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#124447 - 09/04/05 11:47 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
If you are doing something you aren't suppose to be doing, it will always be the second child to do it who gets caught, not first.

With three older sisters, little brother is ALWAYS the 'second child'.


Top
#124448 - 09/04/05 11:47 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I got an email this morning, and thought this is pretty funny.......

Sounds like me.........

A mother was working in the kitchen listening
to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric
train in the living room. She heard the train stop
and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who
want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the
last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are
getting on, get your asses in the train...cause
we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son,
"We don't use that kind of language in this house.
Now I want you to go to your room and you are to
stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may
play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and
resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped
and the mother heard her son say...
"All passengers, please remember your things,
thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We
hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue..."For
those of you just boarding, remember, there is no
smoking in the train. We hope you will have a
pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added,
"For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO
HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#124449 - 09/04/05 11:49 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
Quote:
Originally posted by roadrunner:


27. When you are stoned, hiding with your friends under the picnic table doesn't make you less conspicuous.
And a breath mint or gum do not make you any less drunk!


Top
#124450 - 09/04/05 03:36 PM Re: Subject: raising boys
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
31. A girlfriend's mother will not be impressed when you come in from the garden to greet her and walk right into the closed glass patio door.

32. If your mother tells you to plant her bulbs for her and you don't have time to do it, the solution is NOT to dig a hole and bury them.

33. It is bad politics to ask a girlfriend's dad: "Is this film really in color?"

34. You can't run a dishwasher on washing up liquid.

35. There is a reason why jacuzzis don't have sachets of bubble bath close by.

36. When you deposit a dollar in the bank, you don't need to sign the bill so they know which one is yours.

37. If you need your clothes out of the washing machine and need to skip some steps and Mom isn't home for hours, just block the lock mechanism on the top and run the spin cycle with the top of the washing machine open.

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#124451 - 09/04/05 03:58 PM Re: Subject: raising boys
demonboi Offline
Member

Registered: 05/14/05
Posts: 228
Loc: East Coast
haha these are awesome

no matter how big a dog is, they usually don't like it when you sit on them.

Cats don't like water

barbie dolls can't swim in the toilet...hehe

_________________________
Every corner, every city
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little Hennessy, laid back and cool
Every hour, cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright
Nothin but peace, love
And street passion, every ghetto needs a thug mansion

Top
#124452 - 09/04/05 05:18 PM Re: Subject: raising boys
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
36. When you deposit a dollar in the bank, you don't need to sign the bill so they know which one is yours.

If I pass a large denomination note over, then I always remember the last four numbers, just in case they say the note was smaller. ;\)

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#124453 - 09/04/05 05:32 PM Re: Subject: raising boys
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
And more...

On our last family vacation, we decided to head to the Washington coast. "Where are we going?" my son asked. "We're going to Seattle," I answered back. My son asked the same question over and over, each time puzzled. We were both losing our temper when finally my son questioned "Dad, Who is Attle and why do we want to go SEE him?!?"

My 5 year old niece, being totally sincere, says to her other Aunty this: "I know you really want to get married, but it's not that no one wants to marry you, they just don't know where you live."

When my oldest son Dalton was 2 years old, he found his first box turtle. After playing with the poor thing for what seemed like hours, he began studying it very closely. After seeing him stare at it face to face for a long time, I couldn't resist any more. I finally asked him what he was looking at. He said "Mom, does he have a nightlight in his shell so he can see in there?"

After an early morning doctor appointment, dad checked his son in at the school office. Two secretaries in the office were having a discussion about a child who was 'playing hooky'. "Dad, Dad!" his son exclaimed, "How do you play that game Hooky?"

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#124454 - 09/04/05 06:08 PM Re: Subject: raising boys
demonboi Offline
Member

Registered: 05/14/05
Posts: 228
Loc: East Coast
Haha, priceless. My cousin babysits and was telling me about how when she plays hide and seek with the little ones they always tell her where they are. Its like, if I can't see them, they can't see me...so they face the corner thinking they're hidden. They also call her Ms. Teacher at where she works cos they haven't quite gotten that concept yet.

_________________________
Every corner, every city
There's a place where life's a little easy
Little Hennessy, laid back and cool
Every hour, cause it's all good
Leave all the stress from the world outside
Every wrong done will be alright
Nothin but peace, love
And street passion, every ghetto needs a thug mansion

Top
#124455 - 09/05/05 11:00 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
I hated it, when my mom threw my old jeans that were ripped and torn into the garbage.
Wow, I rescued them time and time again, until she made sure they went for good.

Maybe I started a fashion statement, many years ago, hence why younger guys rip their jeans.

Who knows!

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
#124456 - 09/06/05 12:50 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
lostboyalone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/27/05
Posts: 19
if your shootin guns at bottles dont put the bottles in front of the house cos shotguns make big holes in the house when you miss. then you get in trouble

if you find a rusted car on the prairie make sure it got a engine before you steal gas to put in it

thats all from me


Top
#124457 - 11/06/05 04:51 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
melliferal Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/03/05
Posts: 1159
Quote:
Originally posted by reality2k4:
24.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake
fluid.
Drat! Foiled again...

_________________________
Children cannot consent; they can only comply.

Oprah's resources for male survivors

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#124458 - 11/09/05 02:34 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
OK, so I only have 1 daughter, no sons, but I did grow up with two younger brothers. This thread made me laugh REALLY hard and as soon as I caught my breath, I copied most of it and sent it to them. The one brother who now has two sons, just hung his head and laughed - then he cried - 'cause he knows what's coming. *lol*

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#124459 - 01/06/06 04:28 PM Re: Subject: raising boys
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
I thought I would pop this up to the top for the benefit of guys who are new here. There has been a cool thread started by Ste on "Eternal Childhood", and this other thread, also started by Ste a few months ago, is on the crazy things boys do.

It was a lot of fun and we all had a ball with it, and it's good to be reminded that even though we had many problems, in a lot of ways we were just...BOYS!!!! \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#124460 - 01/07/06 11:24 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
Wifey1 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Guize,
with a new grand son just a week old I think it's about time to copy and send this to daugh & son in law...

son in law is a tattoo artist, so he is "very pretty" covered in his "ART".

Daughs best GF has a daugh age 3 , 1st time she met son in law she promptly drew on herself head to toe, then proceeded to ask mommy "Mommy, what would you say if I gotz a tattoo?" -Mommy promptly replied "you'd better be 18 and out of the house 1st.

I've told daugh & son in law Baby's 1st day of school he will most likely use his markers to "tattoo" the class, and probably charge at least a nickle a tattoo. To also prepare themselves for every parent to call the school and to be placed in the "hot seat" for having such a creative "son" -- Once they "see" daddy I wonder if the complaints will go away?? LOL!!


Keep 'em comin' I'm needing the giggles!
Peace,
Sammy


Top
#124461 - 05/13/06 01:11 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Hi everyone,

Trish just posted a funny one that came at a good moment. Here's another one from last year that was a complete hoot.

I see I have popped this one back up before. Oh well, I just keep remembering it and I like it for the way it shows some of the cool and funny aspects of being boys. We are NOT defined by what the abusers did to us.

My sister Cathie ("Lady Rock") will soooooo remember some of my contributions to the thread. \:\)

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#124462 - 05/13/06 01:28 AM Re: Subject: raising boys
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hehehehe......yup I remember this one, especially my poor brother's reaction to it...the little stinker deserves whatever his sons throw his way. He may be amost 40, but I remember his antics like they were yesterday......priceless \:D

ROCK ON.....Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#124463 - 05/19/06 03:28 PM Re: Subject: raising boys
Lady Rock Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/23/05
Posts: 25
Loc: Pennsylvania
This thread has me howling! May I add that one should never place the container with the sourdough starter on top on the refrigerator while one's parents are on vacation? The one about the old ripped jeans.......our mother had the solution to Larry's old jeans that he refused to discard....she stitched them shut. And I don't mean one line of stitching with the sewing machine. She made a damn quilt out of them! Also, only 6-7 people can hide under a picnic table. Lar, I know they didn't notice a thing.


Top
#124464 - 05/19/06 08:09 PM Re: Subject: raising boys
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Cath,

That HAD to be memorable memory of the year, if not of the decade. Everyone is stoned? The pastor of the church lives next door? He walks outside? Solution? Hide under the picnic table.

I'm still not sure why that didn't work....

Much MUCH love Cath,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#124465 - 05/19/06 10:08 PM Re: Subject: raising boys
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Have you ever looked into a little boys eyes, and asked him if he did something he didnt do?

Have you ever looked into a little boys eyes, and asked him if he did something he did do?

He will mark his mind on how well you reacted to the same two questions.

He will also mark his mind for everything he does in his life, and relative reaction from his guardian'or whoever he meets.

This goes for any child, their childhood is a blank canvas waiting for good or bad remarks or behaviour towards them.

Hope that made sense,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

Top
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