TIGHT- arsed blokes. At this time of year, only date girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Christmas and you won't have to shell out for a present until then, by which time they will probably have packed you in.
NUNS at St Cuthbert's School in the early 1970s. Demonstrate a keen sense of irony by calling yourselves the 'Sisters of mercy' whilst beating the shit out of us kids on a daily basis with bamboo canes.
CONSTIPATED driving instructors. Alleviate your discomfort by disconnecting the dual controls on the car when instructing a new pupil. If a stronger laxative effect is required, do the same thing but with a female learner. Love this one
SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.
FELLAS. Stand outside an Ann Summers shop dressed in a security guard's uniform with a smoke detector in your pocket. When a fit bird walks out, simply press the smoke alarm test button and voila! A free grope!
Or a black eye!
BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.
SMOKERS. 'Every cigarette you smoke takes 10 seconds off your life', health experts say. To combat this, at the end of every day work out how many seconds you have 'lost', and simply go to bed that much later, or wake up that much earlier the next morning. Hey presto! your lost time is returned
SCRABBLE PLAYERS If you have a Q and a U, try to use the Q for words like 'Qi' or 'Qat'. This will free up the U for words like 'Bum', 'Mum' etc.
BREAKFAST LOVERS Make the 'toast always lands butter side down' myth wrong by dropping your toast, then quickly buttering it before someone sees
NERVOUS people. Never chew the inside of your cheeks whilst on high strength pre>