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#123770 - 03/18/05 02:38 PM i am...possible trigger descriptions
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
yet another excerpt, but one i think many will enjoy \:\)

*************
*************

3-18-05—0546hrs—Friday

I am Theo de Wolfe now. As I stood at the place in front of the judge, I was expecting the need to explain the change in some way. He simply read the paperwork and signed off without a single comment. I was surprised and grateful. Perhaps he somehow understood without further elaboration. Either way, I am now who I envisioned myself to be. I am no longer who she named me. I am my own man in truth.

What is this legacy I will build for myself? The legacy is no longer the past, it is the future. I went in to change my name on my bank account and the lady said that it was rare for a man to change his name. I said not many want to change their life. She remembered Lady Theo and asked if we were together anymore. I told her no. she seemed to understand in that respect. After I left the court, I was walking around nearly with my head in the clouds. I am de Wolfe. That is so strange. Again, what will be the legacy I build?

That is a process. What I plan on is using my first and last name in normal correspondence and transactions, but using Theo in more intimate contacts such as with my brothers and my intimates. I am no longer who they wanted me to be. The little boy and the frightened, fragmented man who they sought to control is no more. That is the legacy I am building. I tried to convey the distinction about how I own my memories now instead of being confined by them, but am not sure if it was clear enough. No child or innocent should have to go through what I and my brothers, and others, have gone through. They tried to take away my humanity but they failed. That is what I was trying to convey. The abuse was horrifying, true enough, yet it was a part of me nonetheless and that is what I am embracing. It is the humanity that refused to die even in the face of such horrific abuse.

A three-year-old boy was sodomized and forced to suck the little prick. That same three-year-old saw the shadow of the only other adult who could have been in the house at the time walk in and then walk away, leaving the boy who was no longer her son to suffer at the hands of her husband in a most ungodly manner. An innocent little boy was almost drowned by his genetic egg donor. A boy was repeatedly assaulted by that same donor till pre-adolescence. Throughout all of this, Little Theo held on to the pain so that we might survive. It is no longer his burden to carry, for we now shoulder it together. That is what I meant when I tried to say yesterday that the memories are now mine instead of the tool to keep me imprisoned in the past. That is what I now celebrate. Not the abuse events, the integration. Our past made us what we are, all of it. We would not be the man others perceive us to be were it not for the hell we endured and won through. This is unequivocally not the way to forge a young man, or anyone, but it forged me, and that is what I embrace.

I am Preston Theo de Wolfe. The evil will fear me for I am no longer silent. My name is my voice and in the face of the past, it rolls like thunder. Each of those dark memories will be brought out into the light of day and the evil will be shown for what it was. My life will be my own. My past, my own. Their evil no longer stands, though their actions will always be a part of me. They made the choice to try to destroy a child. I make the choice to deny them their victory. Harm me? Yes. Destroy me? Hear my growl, and feel the circling of my pack…the evil is over. That sound you hear? It is whup ass.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#123771 - 03/19/05 08:49 PM Re: i am...possible trigger descriptions
Jake_t2398 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/11/05
Posts: 131
"Harm me? Yes. Destroy me? Hear my growl, and feel the circling of my pack…the evil is over. That sound you hear? It is whup ass."

wow theo, cool thnx for sharin this. do u think u can whup ass some my bad guys to ;\) thnx jake


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#123772 - 03/19/05 10:12 PM Re: i am...possible trigger descriptions
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Theo,

I congratulate you on finding your new start in life.

Little theo certainly went through some really tough times, but he got you through, to be the Noble gentleman you are today.

The Wolf is truly a noble beast, his life skills are honed to perfection, I considered myself the lone Wolf cub, until I found this place.

I wish you well on your journey,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#123773 - 03/19/05 10:31 PM Re: i am...possible trigger descriptions
bda Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/18/04
Posts: 26
Loc: North Carolina
Theo,

My heart is smiling for you, and my spirit is soaring in hearing your words today. Thanks for your courage and prophetic witness!

Peace,
Brian

_________________________
Unbind him, and let him go.

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#123774 - 03/19/05 11:19 PM Re: i am...possible trigger descriptions
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Theo
My fathers name is Theophilus - Theo. And he's a good man as well.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#123775 - 03/20/05 06:28 PM Re: i am...possible trigger descriptions
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1117
brothers,
each of you, thank you so very much for your words. the three of us within have come a very long way. sometimes, i think it has to be nothing more than a manic thing in terms of i am missing soomething and will soon come falling down again harder than before. those are the lies of the past, though, i know. but that>
_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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