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#123552 - 01/08/07 03:46 AM marked for life
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i think i am marked for life i hope others dont feel this way ,but its like being abused is a hadicap or some shit . you know?its like yeah sometimes survivors use abuse as a way to excuse stuff they do ,but why do non survivors use it as a reason to look down on us. i know we aint supposed to think we are dammaged ,but i know for sure normals think we are . example , i been living with my stepdad ,did rehab and havnt done meth for like 49 days now,i go to church cause he wants me to ,even let them think they saved me ,not true ,but it helps them you know? when i first got here my little brother stayed at relatives cause my stepdad thought it would be better till i got used to it ,didnt trust me in other words ,i been trying to not give in to the meth ,i want it worse now than when i started rehab,its so hard ,cant describe kinda hard .after i let the preacher save me suddenly its ok ,my brother came home ,stepdad trusted me , had surgery once and am about to have another one . ok sorry this is too long already. friday night i was out walking ,nice night ,a kid from down the street was hangin out smoking a joint ,i talked to him before so he asks if i wanna hit ,damn i needed something you know? my body aches for meth ,so we smoked it ,i thanked him and left. about an hour later my stepdad gets a call and freaks out ,starts yelling at me and im like hey what the fuck dude ? hes like real mad . the kid went home also hes like 16 or 17 not a baby, his parents busted him for being stoned and he told them it was my stuff ,that i got him high! i tried to explain to my stepdad ,but its like look at you adam ,look at yourself ,now tell me who im gonna believe ,a 22 year old meth addict whos done things people cant even dream of ,or the kid who delivers my newspaper? maybe it was wrong to smoke with him ,but i didnt do anything wrong . but im guilty ,no chance to explain ,no chance to talk ,after the surgery i been asked to leave . my stepdad said he tried to help me ,but he told me he only did it for my mom ,felt like he owed it too her . point is this has been this way always ,in foster the bio kids would do something ,blame it on me and i got punished period ,no explaining allowed, in boot camp the captains would do something themselves ,tell the major i did it and i got punished ,in detention the dorm leaders would get pissed at me blame something on me and i got punished . my last six months there if something happened i would just stand up and say i did it even if i didnt ,but they all said adam look at you ,whos ever gonna believe a freak like you? kids like you are just born bad ,maybe i can beat the abuse but i cant beat this stuff no way.im tired of having to fight for stuff that everybody else gets for free ,what good did it do for me to try harder than i ever tried before? because of what happened to me im dirty ,i cant ever really be trusted I'M DAMMAGED beyond repair. not my words ,but its what they think ,what if someday i let out the anger i so desreve to have ? this is something else my stepdad said ,yeah i got a right to be mad ,but heh he dont want me around if i ever let it out . im just too tired of fighting or i might just show him how bad that anger is ,heh and its getting worse not better . not only do i hate the ones that abused me ,im starting to hate everybody else too ,except the guys here other than that the whole world can go fuck itself far as i care shadow

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#123553 - 01/08/07 04:26 AM Re: marked for life
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Adam,

For what it's worth, I believe you. I hear you. My heart goes out to you. Don't know what else to say. I'd give you a hug if I could. So would many of the other guys here. Keep up the faith buddy. We'd like to keep you around, you know?

(((((((shadow)))))))

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#123554 - 01/08/07 05:06 AM Re: marked for life
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Quote:
Originally posted by shadowkid:
what if someday i let out the anger i so desreve to have ? this is something else my stepdad said ,yeah i got a right to be mad ,but heh he dont want me around if i ever let it out . im just too tired of fighting or i might just show him how bad that anger is ,heh and its getting worse not better . not only do i hate the ones that abused me ,im starting to hate everybody else too ,except the guys here other than that the whole world can go fuck itself far as i care shadow
What if you did act on your anger? Where would that get you?

Adam, the road to recovery is not easy. In fact, it is one of the hardest things that you will do. And then, when you finish, what happens? Let me let you in on the secret...nothing happens. You recover, and people go on treating you just as they always have. It's unfair, but nobody ever said life was fair.

I read this story, and I can see how your own actions have got you to the point where you are. You didn't need to smoke the joint. I know you're struggling with addiction, but nobody forced you. And of course the kid ratted you out. You're an easy target and that's going to happen a lot. Better you than him. Not fair, but it's life.

You act like your anger is something you deserve. Well, you may be right. Maybe you do deserve to be angry. But if you act in anger, you're going to get the same back from people. It sounds like your stepfather trusted you, and you repaid his trust by violating it and then lying to him about it. Now he is responding to your violation of his trust by getting angry at you. See a pattern?

Why don't you try to see things in a different way? It sounds like you had something good, and then you let your anger almost destroy it. Maybe you might want to figure out why that happened rather than making a bunch of angry threats at the world for being unfair? Because if I was your stepfather and I read this:

Quote:
"i might just show him how bad that anger is ,"
I'd kick you out of my house.

Talk to your stepfather. Tell him the truth about what happened, that you had a moment's weakness. Take responsibility for your own actions. I think you'll find that the results are a lot better than the course you are on right now.

And ditto to John on that hug. ((((((((((adam)))))))))))

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#123555 - 01/08/07 05:41 AM Re: marked for life
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
nobby if you were my stepdad there wouldnt be a house left to kick me out of ,lol,i didnt lie to him i never got a chance to ,he was too busy nicely telling me what a fuck up i am . i dont see where my anger has come into this other than in my post which is what im supposed to do right? take it out here ? i do see a pattern ,god sucks ,people suck ,life sucks ,and its that way if im angry or not . thanks for the hug

_________________________
its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

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#123556 - 01/08/07 06:42 AM Re: marked for life
froggy12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/06
Posts: 527
Loc: Marlboro, MA 01752
Shadow,

You are not marked for life even though it seems like it. I was like that, nothing I did seemed to
work out - total fuck up. Why in hell was I born? I could screw up a good wet dream without trying. But I left home, still screwed up, but no parent to sneer, yell, condescend to me so it made things easier. Then I knew how to deal with stuff and not screw up as much. That dirty word: time. That's what it takes, so hold on and keep your seat belt buckled.

A tired froggy

_________________________
??

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#123557 - 01/08/07 07:57 AM Re: marked for life
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Shadow,

I’m one of the old guys here, and while this wasn’t my post, I have felt like you do. Everybody needs Someone. Is there anyone associated with your place of rehab? Do they offer anyone to stay in touch with you? Honestly, if I didn’t have several Someones in my life, I’d probably be smashing something, hopefully not someone.
There is anger in this recovery sh*t, real anger. A lot of us turn it inward on ourselves, occasionally on others. If you’ve got someone to check in with, someone to bitch to, someone to offload some of the crap that builds up in each of us, then it could go smoother for you. Also, there was a discussion here some time back about dealing with anger reducing exercise, or work, or other physical activity. One of the guys here…was it Dave?…who used axe handles on trees that could take it. He’d go through an axe handle quicker than you’d think possible, but it worked. I used to run and in the middle if I didn’t feel it was enough, I’d stick in a sprint or two. Whatever it takes, doing the lawn, raking leaves, shoveling snow, do it, to build you up and to strengthen yourself for the fight ahead. It is, you know, a fight like none other, because it’s for you. A fight to regain what was taken from you, a fight for your right to stand tall for the man who you are. Having a corner man, a person who will hang in there with you, is invaluable, but someone you deserve. Please tell me that there is such a person available to you.
I do so appreciate what you’re going through. Some of us are not too far ahead or too far behind you on this journey, that we don’t know what you’re talking about. Talking to your stepfather is a good idea, leveling with him and telling him just what you told us in this post. You might leave out the part about taking any scalps, however, I know that only got me into more trouble and confirmed for others that I had to be watched and maybe shunned.
You’re a good man, we all wish you well and, yes, we will be here for you when you need us and want to vent and get some encouragement.
Peace, Shadow, and courage, too.

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#123558 - 01/08/07 12:50 PM Re: marked for life
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Adam, when you are kicked down, everyone will kick you even harder.
You need to tell the truth about the joint, and you succombed to a couple of drags.

I wrote a similar thread in members saying just the same thing about the blame thing.
You are not just damaged goods, not to us anyhow.
I know you can control your anger, and it will get easier as time goes by.

Tell yr stepdad about the blame culture, and how everything seems to be your fault, even when others use you.
Telling the truth cannot hurt, unless they just dont listen.

I hope it works out,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#123559 - 01/08/07 02:38 PM Re: marked for life
Nobbynobs Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/26/05
Posts: 1286
Loc: Toronto
Quote:
Originally posted by Ivanhoe:
Also, there was a discussion here some time back about dealing with anger reducing exercise, or work, or other physical activity...Whatever it takes, doing the lawn, raking leaves, shoveling snow, do it, to build you up and to strengthen yourself for the fight ahead.
I walk. And walk. And walk. And then I keep walking until the anger is gone. Then I usually have to call my wife to come pick me up. ;\)

_________________________
When you go up to the bell, ring it! Or don't go up to the bell.

- Mel Brooks

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#123560 - 01/08/07 02:54 PM Re: marked for life
Elad 12 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/15/05
Posts: 1176
Loc: on the coast
Adam,

I've read over your post a couple of times. I wish I was better at giving advice. Sometimes I just don't know what to say. I want to add something. I read what others wrote and I just sit here, staring at the blank box, wanting to help. I think others have ofered good insights. I wish that things could work out for you with your stepdad. Then I think, well maybe you would be better off somewhere where nobody knows you, where there are no preconcieved opinions of you. But then there is the meth and if you went somewhere that you knew no one, where you had no one, I'd be afraid that the meth would become your old friend agian. Don't ever let that happen. You have come a long way in the last 50 days not to mention the last year or so. I just wish I knew the answer Adam. You know we are here for you. Hang in there and don't give up the fight. You are really worth fighting for.

Dale


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#123561 - 01/09/07 03:16 AM Re: marked for life
kuurt Offline
Member

Registered: 12/23/05
Posts: 168
Loc: louisiana
hi. i don't really know what to say or suggest, but i feel like i gotta post something cause i really care. i know that you are really fuckin' pissed that that kid lied and told on you and that because of your stepdad's reaction, you probably wanna leave his house and not deal with him looking down on you anymore. i understand that cause it's how i would feel too. it's not fair. but it seems like staying at your stepdad's house has helped you to fight off taking meth. you have him and your half brother there with you, to keep you company and maybe distract you from wanting to do the drugs. so maybe that would be a reason to try to tell your stepdad how you are feeling and stuff. maybe you could try to explain to him how bad you are feeling and that's why you smoked some weed. you thought that it was a better option than meth, so at least it was a decision to stay away from the drug thats really dangerous for you. finally, you could tell him that you are pretty nervous and scared about surgery. i am sure that had something to do with wanting to smoke and just sorta escape for a little while. well, i dont know what else to say. i dont know if any of this advise is good. more than anything, just know that i care, bro. you are important and NOT marked for life.

_________________________
"if it keeps on rainin' the levee's gonna break.
and if the levee breaks, i'll have no place to stay"
-led zeppelin

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