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#123384 - 02/12/05 05:50 PM sharing the journey and breaking the silence...possible triggers
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
my friends,
for the first time, and in the spirit of this post, i reveal my real name. i ask that i still be referred to as theo because that is who i consider myself to be here among my friends and brothers who i have shared journeys with. below is my journal entry from today that will explain the reason for this post.

to explain some things. i believe myself to have three aspects of my real identity. there is the adult that i have become, the one i call little theo here as being the innocent who suffered the abuse, and one i call little warrior for the child i was before the abuse started who still had the courage to believe. i have also come to understand that i equate my current alcohol abuse with the abuse of my childhood and adolescence. i hope that will clarify things sufficiedntly to understand what was written. the only things i have changed are the names of others involved because it is not my place to share their information.

it is my hope that what is shared here can help others, as well as myself. the silence breaks here. continue to journey well, all of you.

************
************

2-12-05—0829hrs—Saturday

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 37 years old. I think I need to do something about it. Getting through the bait regression will take time, but I think there are steps I can take to eliminate the isolation. Ever since LT left me eight months ago I have been in the grip of this isolation that was against my will. It is a matter of rethinking the pattern of isolation.

I have tried in various ways to break out of the isolation but they were ineffective because I was still in that pattern. My therapist said it was about learning to allow others into my life on reciprocal trust and trying to believe that even though I was alone, I would still be okay. It was the isolation that made me vulnerable as a child and as an adult. When the isolation was forced on me against my will with their abandonment and betrayal of me I was completely vulnerable to the terror. I survived the terror as a child and faced it as an adult. In my mind, I know that the terror has no power but what I allow it, but in my heart, I am terrified because I am alone.

Ever since that night so long ago I have been alone. The loneliness and terror of the isolation and the subsequent abuse stripped me of any defenses other than dissociation by any means. Dissociation became the bridge between the terrors of the night and the horizon of the dawn. Every time I come home I am faced with the isolation of these walls. I am faced with the conflict of confronting the terrors of the assaults alone or dissociating through alcohol. That dissociation locks me into the same mindlessness that happened during the assaults. I could suppress the memories only by becoming the one who assaulted me. I controlled the memories by making myself them. They were in control of my childhood. Through them, I controlled my memories.

After reading up on the effects of alcohol abuse on the body and the mind I begin to understand what has been happening to me the last eight months. The psychotic rages I went into were fueled by the alcohol in the brain chemistry of emotions and the actual rage I have harbored all these years. Once the saturation point was reached and the right trigger pulled, I was lost. The chemistry of my brain is already a little loopy because of the ADD and the PTSD. Both of those effect the neurotransmitters and receptors. To try to balance out, I turned to alcohol. I reprogrammed my brain chemistry to alcohol to try to mitigate the other problems. Alcohol was the easiest drug to obtain and there was already psychological reasons for turning to alcohol.

Self-medicating worked for a time, but the consequences are changing the balance a great deal. I am realizing that though I did control the manifestation of the memories by suppressing them with the drug of choice it was also destroying my abilities to otherwise survive. Being in a mindless fog of indecisiveness and impulsivity has rendered me defenseless. In this pattern I am completely trapped in the cycle of increasing the abuse to control the rising tide of the memories. Combine that with the increased triggers and the breakdown has to happen. By increasing the abuse to control the increasing memory manifestation the cycle becomes increasingly destructive. At this rate, I will reach a point where I put myself into a drug induced coma or death.

Controlling the memories through abuse is not working anymore. That was the main point of the abuse, to silence me. It was to silence me and destroy me as a human being. I almost completed their objective by maintaining the abuse and increasing it. I can see this clearly now. Do I have the strength to break the silence and stop the abuse? Do I have the strength to face the memories alone? I have to accept that I am not alone. There is My therapist and my sister, and my brothers. While they are not here immediately, they are still there. I am not sure if I still need the substance abuse counselor, but I will retain his service at least in the short term to see if there is anything else he can show me. I feel I am regaining control of the reasons I abused alcohol. I am understanding what was happening and that was what I needed to do.

The real question is do I still want to hide from the memories. I can’t do that indefinitely because something will break long before that. They still controlled my silence through the abuse I continued. By breaking the silence I will allow the screams to finally be heard. Little Theo's screams as he was sodomized.

Little Theo, I am so sorry I kept you silent all this time. The only defense is that I did not understand what was going on. Neither one of us wants to go through that again. I know that you went through that alone, but you are not alone anymore. We have each other now. It will be our screams that will be heard…and it will ultimately be our shouts of triumph that will be heard as well. They sought to destroy us but they could not do it because we had our Father watching over us all this time and other people who were good and caring people who have been there for us when we could not be there for ourselves. What I need to do is stop the abuse so our screams are no longer silenced, but it is so terrifying.

Break the silence. Hear the screams of innocents. Hear them weep in the abandonment and betrayal of their innocence. Break the silence. Break the god damned silence. The silence is broken. Little Theo no longer screams alone. The innocent of the Sacrifice is no longer forgotten. The three of us stand together now and we will scream our pain to find our peace. You, who tried to silence and destroy innocent children, have lost. The abuse stops now.

Was Little Warrior the innocent of the Sacrifice? Will I ever know what really happened all those years ago? I don’t know at this point. All I know at the moment is that I am surrounded by the filth of the abuse as I write this. The abuse has stopped. It is time to rebuild my life.

I am strongly inclined to change my name as a symbol of changing my legacy. The name I have possesses the legacy of a tortured past. It will not change the past, or magically correct everything. However, it could have a positive influence regardless. It would be a personal disavowal of the legacy those perps carried. It would be a personal choice to walk away from the legacy they carried and tried to instill in innocent children. It would be a choice to live my life as I dictate. The name does not possess the taint they carried, but it is a name I am increasingly loath to possess. I see myself as Preston de Wolfe. The priest of the wolf. The loner who finds his peace in the solitude and communion of creation, and reaches out to others for that communion, through choice.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#123385 - 02/12/05 10:37 PM Re: sharing the journey and breaking the silence...possible triggers
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi theo

This is great stuff
Quote:
It would be a personal disavowal of the legacy those perps carried. It would be a personal choice to walk away from the legacy they carried and tried to instill in innocent children. It would be a choice to live my life as I dictate.
And I can see you making it a reality no matter what we call you.

Thanks for reaching out to us.
SAR


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#123386 - 02/12/05 11:15 PM Re: sharing the journey and breaking the silence...possible triggers
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
(((((theo)))))
thank you for being so brave and revealing a very
difficult and vulnerable thing to us - i respect
your hardships right now - and ALSO that you are definitely on the road to finding a peace with your past - this post is you bravely putting your foot forward - reaching out
and god bless you - you've done it!

i hope you come back online later -
i have to go food shopping - and stop and eat some too -

but theo come back soon - see you online tonight i hope!

mark

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#123387 - 02/12/05 11:17 PM Re: sharing the journey and breaking the silence...possible triggers
markgreyblue Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/19/03
Posts: 5400
Loc: Pasadena, CA
also as Bill 1965 says - You are the Commander --- go for it!!!!!

:-)

_________________________
"...do not look outside yourself for the leader."
-wisdom of the hopi elders

"...the sign of a true leader is service..." - anonymous



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#123388 - 02/13/05 03:19 PM Re: sharing the journey and breaking the silence...possible triggers
Pollyanna Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
Happy Birthday Theo!

I'll be back to respond to your post, but I wanted to say that.

Wishing you all the best, and wonderful things ahead.

Hugs,
Lynn

_________________________
"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

– Anne Lamott

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#123389 - 02/15/05 05:26 PM Re: sharing the journey and breaking the silence...possible triggers
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
sar, mark, and lynn,
thank you all three for sharing my journey here and responding to what i wrote. there is a sound i hear, it is the sound of the chains falling. there is still much to do, but once more i stand, and this time i walk away from their altar of sacrificing innocents. i turn my back on the altar that was their lies and their cruelty. little theo, little warrior, and myself walk away hand in hand towards the horizon i so often speak of. the silence is broken.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

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#123390 - 02/16/05 01:05 AM Re: sharing the journey and breaking the silence...possible triggers
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Theo
It's nice to see you back, and feeling so positive as well.

Quote:
there is a sound i hear, it is the sound of the chains falling. there is still much to do, but once more i stand,
I'm sure I heard that sound as well, all the way across the ocean.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#123391 - 02/16/05 04:58 PM Re: sharing the journey and breaking the silence...possible triggers
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
dave,
thank you. i am still struggling with the addiction, but have come a long way in understanding what drove it. what i need to do now is somehow break the routine i have established the last several months. the perps are no longer controlling, but the addiction still is. i fully believe i will defeat this, and continue in my recovery, but it is frustrating. the one good thing is that i am no longer making myself sick like i was as little as two weeks ago. i am slowly getting it under control.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top
#123392 - 02/16/05 05:11 PM Re: sharing the journey and breaking the silence...possible triggers
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
((((((((((((Theo))))))))))))

Sorry it's taken me a while to respond to this. Been too wrapped up in my own stuff. But I want you to know that I believe you've taken a huge step into taking back control, not just for the addiction, but for everything in your life.

I'm honored to know you. You have courage most dream of having.

Peace and love,

Scot

P.S. Thanks Lynn for reminding me - Happy Birthday, my brother! \:D

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#123393 - 02/16/05 05:32 PM Re: sharing the journey and breaking the silence...possible triggers
theo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
scot,
it is okay, my brother, i knew you were struggling with some major stuff of your own. i knew you would respond when you could. thank you for the birthday wishes as well, though i am beginning to question the wisdom of publishing that part lol. i find it so frustrating that now i understand some core things i am still not able to fully implement them...the perfectionist in me i guess.

_________________________
journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

Top


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