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#123335 - 02/09/05 06:24 PM Need some advice on what Therapist has said
justensmom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/07/05
Posts: 10
Loc: Texas
I am wondering if someone here might have a second opinion on this??

My sons last therapist called this morning and we spoke for quite sometime, we spoke about how he is doing now after what happened in court 3 yrs ago, and I told her that the main issue with therapy that I keep finding is that my son will not talk to any male at all. She said that in her years of treating children that were sexually abused by a male that sometimes it is better to try to find another male to do his therapy with because then we can help him break down the wall he has. I do understand this, because if we could do this he would maybe be able to trust another male again, but how do you know who to pick???? What if you end up taking him to a dozen and none work out? I mean I just don't want to waist the time that he can have with his Therapist now on looking for a man that may or maynot be able to help him... Has anyone encountered this???? Anyways just wondering if anyone might have some suggestions. Thank you

_________________________
"The truth will set us free"

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#123336 - 02/09/05 06:48 PM Re: Need some advice on what Therapist has said
James_dup1 Offline


Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
The gender of a T is something a lot of us fight with even as adults. If you are looking for a male T you may want to look at the "Find a T" part of this web page. There are some who have listed there names there as having experence in dealing with men who have been sexualy abused. I guess the main thing I would ask you is "Have you asked your son what he wants to do?" I know that because of my abuse I am more comfortalbe around women than men. I always feel out of place around guys.

James

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I have more issues than Rolling Stone!


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#123337 - 02/09/05 06:54 PM Re: Need some advice on what Therapist has said
justensmom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/07/05
Posts: 10
Loc: Texas
He was said he would much rather have a lady, not a man.... He doesn't dp well around men either, he clams up, and even with Pediatrican visits me or dad have to be there to say its ok, we're here, we're not going anywhere. He just doesn't like it at all. So for me I don't want to push him in a direction he doesn't want to go. I think that would make things worse.

_________________________
"The truth will set us free"

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#123338 - 02/09/05 07:07 PM Re: Need some advice on what Therapist has said
Curtis St. John Offline
Past President
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/20/04
Posts: 1796
Loc: Westchester, N.Y.
Read this article, A Consumers Guide To Therapist Shopping. its on this site and should help.


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#123339 - 02/09/05 08:01 PM Re: Need some advice on what Therapist has said
ForeverFighting Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/09/05
Posts: 1058
Loc: New Mexico, USA
We all have to go at our own pace. When I first started therapy, I despised every man I saw, and especially a man in what I considered a position of authority. However, after some time passed, I was referred to a male therapist who proved to be a new role model for me. We clicked. I stayed in therapy with him for many years, and I have to say that having a male therapist is probably the best thing I ever did. But it wouldn't have worked at all on day one.

You mentioned you don't want to go to ten therapists wasting time. Sometimes finding a therapist is like finding a marraige mate. It's not just about schooling--it's about personality. And if it takes ten therapists to find that personality that clicks for your son, then by all means.

I hope it all works out.

_________________________
ForeverFighting

"This search for the truth--it's not for the faint of heart."--Goren on 'Law & Order: CI'
"The former things will not be called to mind, neither will they come up into the heart."--Isaiah 65:17

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#123340 - 02/10/05 12:08 AM Re: Need some advice on what Therapist has said
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I had a male T for my 1 to 1 therapy, and now have a female for our group therapy, and I feel comfortable with both. Maybe I'm just lucky, they're both excellent therapists ?

Quote:
I was referred to a male therapist who proved to be a new role model for me.
ForeverFighting makes a good point here, especially where young people are concerned.
Good role models are so important, and they don't have to be a therapist, a trusted sports coach, teacher or family friend that's prepared to gain your son's trust will have a big influence.
If he has a particular interest then maybe it's worth finding out if someone you know and trust, who shares that interest, would spend some time with him?

Dave

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Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#123341 - 02/11/05 06:35 AM Re: Need some advice on what Therapist has said
justensmom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/07/05
Posts: 10
Loc: Texas
Thank you all for the advice. We will keep doing what ever we need to for him. It just at times gets to be so much. Almost to much for me, and then I have to stop and think of him, and how much more it is for him. That makes me keep going. Thank you \:\)

_________________________
"The truth will set us free"

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#123342 - 02/12/05 08:06 PM Re: Need some advice on what Therapist has said
reality2k4 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/06/04
Posts: 6838
Loc: Stuck between water, air, and ...
Let your son make the choice, if he wants a lady, let him have one. He is only young but he needs to choose, a lot of his choice was broken through abuse.
I remember at 11yo, I would need to have to be listened to, and not told what his mom thinks is best, do what he wants, he will be so better for it.
His confidence in males will be dented, but if I remember, he will trust some males in your neighbourhood, and he will get some confidence back. He may have trouble also with male teachers who are authoritative, so be aware of problems at school.
I hope it works for you and your son,

ste

_________________________
Whoever stole the Sun, put it back and we'll drop all the charges!

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#123343 - 02/13/05 03:01 AM Re: Need some advice on what Therapist has said
ShyBear Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/05
Posts: 149
Loc: The American South
Dear justensmom,
Quote:
Almost to much for me, and then I have to stop and think of him, and how much more it is for him. That makes me keep going. Thank you
What you wrote brought tears to my eyes. My Mom was not there for me after I was molested, and she wasn't there for me 7 years later, when I was a Senior in High School, desperately trying to come to terms with my sexuality.

I know it's hard on you, and I don't know if my words will help at all, but know this - you are literally saving your son's life. I was molested at age 11, didn't enter therapy until age 47, so I lost 36 years of my life.

I'll never know if things would have turned out different if my Mom had stuck by me instead of retreating into herself, but I absolutely believe that you ARE MAKING A DIFFERENCE !

Be blessed.

ShyBear


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#123344 - 02/14/05 04:59 PM Re: Need some advice on what Therapist has said
justensmom Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/07/05
Posts: 10
Loc: Texas
Thank you for saying that. He isn't really old enough to really say thank you to me, but its ok. Last night was a very long night. While helping my hubby study for his BIG Test today, our son woke up screaming "MOMMY MOMMY SAVE ME".... I just dropped the books anwent running, He did this like 2-3 times in the middle of the night. He is so scared he can't even talk to me. He just sits there shaking, and then crying. O Lord I hate this so very much. I would give anything to take this all away from him. My husband doens't know what to do anymore. He has tears in his eyes everytime J wakes up like that. The only thing that calms him is me telling him its ok, mommy is here. Mommy loves you, daddy loves you, Jesus loves you. Then he falls back to sleep, and I just sit and look at him. It seems like we have so many good nights and then a bad one comes and just runs me over and him. And what makes it even worse for him is when he has his bad nights, he wakes up in the morning with an extreemly high blood sugar which means twice as much insulin for today. His body and mind can't take the stress, I just wish more than anything I could make it better. Make it all go away. All I know is that from the moment he was conceived he and I had a bond, and maybe it was because I was all he had in the beginning, or maybe I should say he was all I had. He gave me the strength to continue living and make a life again. I will never turn away from him, he is so special to me. Anyways just needed to talk this morning. Haven't had much sleep, and can't go back to sleep. Waiting for J to wake up, and our day to offically start. L

_________________________
"The truth will set us free"

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