So no mater what I do this time of year sucks bad. December 14 marks the day my life went down the shiter. The 14th was the day she first started babysitting my sister and I. This is the first year with out the flashbacks. ( god willing there will never be anymore of those) But flashbacks aside I still feal like shit. another year goes by and I feel less and less like a man. I feel like Im watching my life slip by. I have all those emotions to deal with, and they dont fit into the " peace,love and joy" catagory. I still find my self bitter around couples, angry at the world for leaving me behind. This is the time of year for love or so they say. Another year goes by and no one to be with. it makes me sick the fakeness of the holadays. Its the one time of the year for joy, and all I want to do is wake up tomarow and not be alone. well at least new years is comeing up, time to make another new years resoultion that never comes true.

us,
I am sorry that you feel sad and alone. May i please say something and i hope it doen't affend you? Bitterness destroys the soul. It lets off this aura of darkness/ sadness. It affects you mostly but others can also sense that too. You are no less a man because you don't have someone special to be with!! I have also lonely days but i know that if i stay bitter they will last alot longer than they should and the chance of me finding love, well it probably won't happen. unless i want to be with some one who is just as bitter as me. that is a making for a roller coaster ride from hell that i don't want. I have a specific meditation that i do 2 or more times a day that helps me transmute the negative emotions into loving, enthusiastic light and energy. it really helps me because it works. if you are interested i can share that with you. As you said above, a new year is coming and for me it is going to be good. i am going to make it that way. through meditation and self love. when you can luv yourself then you let others in to love you back. there is a song by macy gray called " rubber lovin" try and listen to it. it might help. I am not a christian but i heard Joyce meyers say " your attitude while in the jungle will determine how long you will stay there" I believe that so i am trying to check my attiude daily, sometimes minute to minute. gratitude also helps here too, alot. there is another saying that i like to use, it's hard to do and takes practice but " when things are good,say good things; when things are bad say more good things". thoughts are things that create our reality. Yes, the fakeness of the holidays is bull shit for me too. Can't wait for january. light and luv, sis safe hugs if okay? (((((((hugs)))))))

I just dont know what to do. no mater what I do, no one will spend time with me. I cook, laugh, joke, nothing. I try to think of others, nothing. To all my people who know me I think I will forever be "gay". Not only that but around this time of year those ever presint words " Ill be your first and your last" ring louder every year. I hate the hollodays. I just dont know? maby a whore on new years?

If I lived closer, I'd be over in a flash. But MA is more than just down the road a bit.

Ask the whores for a bill of health since you definitely don't know where they've been. Or a blow up doll, throw them in the shower when done.

Firstly you are an adult male and decide what you want to do sexually, it's no one else's busines. You are a unique individual, we all are, since we are survivors. So give yourself credit for being able to cook, laugh joke (so do I to all of them) and gay can be a state of mind so don't worry about others say, think etc. Tell them to get a life, preferably their own and not your's. Throwing a rock can be fun - depends what's at the end of the toss.

froggy12 - hang in there