I am ok now - but would like to have a happy day
last night and this morning were - very difficult -
more in terms of the interpersonal loneliness -
I don't seem to be able to make a goal of 'making friends' -
it's something I do - as I go along - meeting and chatting -
and I get along with some very well - we have good chats -
but any time - there seems to be a concerted effort to make friends -
that is - when friends - do not happen -
and or boyfriends too - they just happen - as well - it seems -
I meet nice people - though -
but those caring connections - just 'happen'
here in Boston - there is a concentration of intellectual focus -
it's the major industry here after all...
it helps clear certain aspects of thought and
so wonderful for clearing my head about my life -
at the same time - I've found a new isolation -
I am warm inside my home- I've got my tree going -
but keenly aware - of the hardship of life - it seems the new England culture is perhaps
that we live by a pragmatism of individual self responsibility and never stray into
and ebullience, a joy - (yes maybe excessive - warmth) towards each other.
it's perhaps - the English land of common sense attitude - taken to the frontier and a self run (and not 'society' ) oriented culture.
connection would be distracting to the non pragmatic - ???
I need more than this - at times - in a big way - but again - I also need the pragmatic reminders -
Right now - I don't want to think pragmatically - I am so uninspired to live a life - of just ultimate duty -
it seems no one is perhaps -but at times conveniently claim they are - as use of a kind of
public relations imagery -
I wish I had some motivation right now - but I don't -
I need a day of bonding with my apartment -
been workin' too hard -
maybe some random snacking too.
anyways - ttyl !