With 2004 ending, I began to seriously look back at the year. It has been a year of change. Every aspect of my life is different. I am going to tell about what has happened, but not in chronological order.
First, my family grew. One of my sisters-in-law, Nikki, became pregnant after almost 14 years. She was not supposed to have my 14 year old niece, and now she was pregnant again. In late October, JoLeigh made her appearance. It was love at first site. She is so small and petite. Such a little lady. Also, my sister-in-law in Indiana brought Coltan into the world. He is a stout young man. Barrel chested and long, not a fat baby. He has red hair and my father's hands. I ahve not met him yet, but I am praying my brother and his family can move back soon. Also, the woman I call my sister was finally blessed with a child. It took Her and her husband 7 years to finally concieve, and the miracles of modern medicine blessed us all with Caden. I love that boy SO much. He sees me now and gets a big smile. It has been a blessing for us all!
As many of you know, I started college in January of 2004. I graduated in 1996, and I was a bit trepidacious about returning after almost a decade. My first semester I did great. I earned 4 A's and one unfortunate D. I took a summer math prepatory class and earned another A. My GPA going into the fall semester was 3.25. Fall semester, well, it was not so good. I struggled to get my medication sorted out, as my Paxil stopped working. It took most of the semester to finall adjust to Effexor. Unfortunalty, my grades were not very good. I got 2 B's, 2 D's, and I failed one class. I was very upset when I viewed my grades, but I have made peace with myself, as it does no good to beat myself up over things I cannot change.
At school, I finally told my advisor about my SA and asked her to help me find a counselor. She called and left a message. I found the courage to e-mail one a counselor I found on the university's web site. My first appointment was one of the hardest things I have ever done. I wanted to run out of the office before the appointment began. When he asked me how I was feeling, I truthfully asnswered "Terrified!" He thanked me for my honestly and said that was a brave thing to say.
For the first few appointments, My T had to specifically ask me a question for me to talk. He told me I could say anything I wanted, not to edit my thoughts. The strings of profanity began from me, and I began to feel comfortable.
After that, I began taking not just strides, but great leaps. I got all those years of pain and fear and confusion off of my chest. I never cried during a session, but I let it out in my car as I drove home. After the summer sessions, I came as far as I could at the time with individual therapy. I began group therapy in October. Unfortunatly, I missed half of the meetings for various reasons. But I have been invited back for the semester that begins on January 10th.
Another major event for me was finding this site. All of you brothers have helped me when I needed it. I hope I have given as good as I have been given. Without this site, I doubt my sanity would still be intact. This place is truly a godsend.
I spent my first Christmas without my parents, who flew to Indiana. I was thinking it would be a very depressing time. But, when the woman I call my sister found out I was not going to Indiana, I was invited to her house for Christmas. That made me feel so happy, and wanted and loved. We went to a movie a week before Christmas. Then, we saw Meet The Fockers on Christmas Eve. (Hilarious movie!!!!!!!) I had a blast at her house on Christmas. After I got home that night, I called my oldest brother and went to see him and his family. I got to hold JoLeigh, which made my day SO much brighter. I even spent New Years Eve with my sister, at her cousin's house. My second oldest brother was also there, and we played games all night. We played Scene It twice, and I led my team to victory both games. We then started the longest game of Monopoly I have ever been in. It lasted almost four hours! We almost missed midnight, we were so engrossed in play. We called it a game after the bank ran out of all bills over ten. I was the winner, as I had over seven thousand dollars, not coutning my properties of diners.
Looking back on the past year, I am mostly happy with my growth. I have not lost as much weight as I wanted, but I will continue to work on that this year. I have began a wonderful friendship with a classmate, and other frinedships that I hope will last. I have met the challenges life has thrown my way head on, and not gone into hiding when times got rough. I feel I am learning more about myself all the time. I have began to reach Little C, my younger self. Aknowledging him has been a huge accomplishment, I thought I wqas going schitzophrenic (sp?). I believe this year will be a good one, although I know it will not be a bed of roses. I am more realistic while looking at my future, but will not relinquish the childish, playful side of me.
This year, I am hoping to find someone to have a relationship with. I don't know if I know the person yet or not, but I am going to be more open to others. I yearn to have someone, but I will not pressure myself too much to get invovled. In many ways, I am still as fragile as glass, but I am finding strength I never knew I had when I need it. So, thank you for reading this rather lengthy essay. Her's to you, may your 2005 be a banner year for you. God bless!
(edited for spelling errors)
"You live it or lie it" Metallica