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#12268 - 11/09/01 11:35 AM I LIKE MY ANGER, JOY AND SADNESS + A NOTE TO EDDIE
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
THESE AND OTHER FEELINGS TELL ME I AM ALIVE. THEY TELL ME I AM HUMAN.
I SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE SHUTTING OFF MY ANGER. THE RESULT OF THIS IS THAT IT TOOK ALL OF THE ENERGY I HAD. AT THAT TIME IN MY LIFE I WAS INCAPABLE OF JOY. EVERYTHING WAS ONE COLOR. ANGER,SADNESS, HURT AND FEAR WERE THINGS TO BE SURPRESSED. THIS ROBBED ME OF A LIFE WELL LIVED.
ONE OF THE RESULTS OF NOT ATTENDING TO THIS ANGER IS THAT IT WOULD LEAK OUT IN THINGS LIKE INCONSIDERATIONS, DRIVING FAST, BEING IRRITABLE, WITHDRAWING AND WITHOLDING LOVE.
I FEARED EXPRESSING MY ANGER BECAUSE OF THE DESTRUCTION I MIGHT CAUSE. I SAW MYSELF AS A PEACEFUL PERSON WITHOUT AN ANGRY BONE IN MY BODY. THIS WAS HOW MY MOTHER WANTED ME TO BE.
AS I LEARNED TO COME OUT FROM UNDER MY ROCK AND TO THRIVE IN THIS LIFE I HAD TO GIVE ALL MY HUMAN EMOTIONS THEIR RIGHTFUL PLACE.

ANGER IS INNATE PART OF US AS A DEFENCE. OUR ADRENALIN FLOWS. IT HASN'T HAPPENED TO ME RECENTLY BUT WHEN WE ARE SUDDENLY FACED WITH A SABERTOOTHED TIGER OUR ADRENALINE GOES INTO OVERDRIVE AND WE EITHER FIGHT LIKE HELL, RUN LIKE HELL OR FREEZE AND DIE. I SLEPT WITH A SABERTOOTHED TIGER THOUGH MOST OF MY ADOLESCENSE. I LEARNED TO LIVE AND BREATH FEAR.
MY ANGER HAS SERVED TO PROTECT ME IN MY VULNERABILITY.

IF I WERE TO SEE ANOTHER CHILD BEING ABUSED, I WOULD BE VERY ANGRY AT THE PERPETRATOR AND WANT TO PROTECT THE CHILD. THERE IS AN EXAMPLE OF HOW ANGER IS GOOD. I THINK THE CHILD IN ME DESERVES TO BE PROTECTED TOO. MY ANGER MUST BE DIRECT TO THE SOURCE. IF I DON'T DIRECT IT THERE THAN NO ONE AROUND ME IS SAFE FROM EVEN MY INCONSIDERATIONS

I HAD TO UNDERSTAND HOW THE GOOD COPING SKILL OF ANGER THAT BROUGHT ME THROUGH MY CHILDHOOD WAS NOW DEFEATING ME AS AN ADULT. I LEARNED HOW TO DO ADULT RELATIONSHIPS USING ANGER.

WHEN I NOW FEEL ANGER I ASK MYSELF,"WHAT AM I AFRAID OF?" THEN, "CAN I ADDRESS THAT FEAR DIRECTLY?" I ONCE ADDRESSED A CO-WORKER WITH, "I FEEL LIKE YOU ARE ANGRY WITH ME ALL OF THE TIME, HAVE I HURT YOU IN SOME WAY?' IN THE PAST I WOULD HAVE WITHDRAWN AND SEETHED.
AS I HAVE SAID TO BATTRERERS I HAVE WORKED WITH, "THAT YOU GET ANGRY IS NOT THE PROBLEM, IT IS WHAT YOU DO WITH THAT ANGER THAT IS THE PROBLEM."

THANKS FOR THE BREATHING SPACE

EDDIE, WHAT I HEAR LOUD AND CLEAR IS YOUR SEARING PAIN, AND MY HEART GOES OUT TO YOU. I HEAR THAT YOU CARE VERY MUCH ABOUT PEOPLE AND YOU WANT TO HEAL. FROM MY PERSPECTIVE I HEAR THAT YOU ARE ON A HEROIC JOURNEY AS WE ALL ARE HERE ON THESE PAGES. I WISH YOU PEACE IN YOUR SOUL . DO YOU HAVE A SAFE PLACE TO TALK ABOUT YOUR ANGER WITH SOMEONE. I'M STILL WORKING ON MAKING THAT SAFE PLACE WHERE I CAN STAND AS A MAN AND OPEN MY HEART SO THAT IT CAN SPEAK MY TRUTH WHICH CONSISTS OF MY TERROR, MY OWN SEARING PAIN AND A PRECIOUS CHILD WHO NEEDS TO BE HONORED AND CHERISHED. HE HAS BEEN TERRIBLY WRONGED. THIS CHILD IS SOMETIMES REFERRED TO AS "THE GOLDEN CHILD" THAT I BELIEVE IS IN ALL OF US. CAN YOU AS YET COMFORT THAT CHILD WHO NEEDS TO BE HELD.AND LOVED? IT IS A STRUGGLE FOR ME EVEN TODAY. I FIND COMFORT IN A SUPPORT GROUP OF GENTLE STRONG MEN. THEY TEACH ME ABOUT WHAT FATHER LOVE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT. I CAN BRING MY TOXIC SHAME THERE AND BE SOOTHED UNTIL THE POISON HAS ABATED AND LEAVES ME WHOLE. THE SHAME WAS DUMPED ON ME IN SECRET AND I BELIEVE IN ORDER TO HEAL I HAVE TO LET GO OF THAT SECRET OVER AND OVER AGAIN. EVEN AFTER ALL OF THAT, THESE GUYS STILL LOVE ME. THESE MEN DO NOT HAVE THE SAME HISTORY AS MINE, WHAT I HAVE TO SAY TO THEM IS IMPORTANT TO THEM. THEY EVEN WANT TO HEAR ABOUT MY ANGER , PAIN AND JOY I DON'T EVER REMEMBER STANDING SO TALL AS A MAN AS I DO WITH THESE ADOPTED BROTHERS. I AM BLESSED. I EVEN HAVE THE SENSE THAT I HAVE BLESSED THEM WITH WHO I AM.
WITH MY PAIN, YOUR PAIN, AND THE PAIN ON THESE PAGES, I FEEL LESS ALONE.

[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]

[ November 13, 2001: Message edited by: RJD ]


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#12269 - 11/10/01 06:30 PM Re: I LIKE MY ANGER, JOY AND SADNESS + A NOTE TO EDDIE
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Hey RJD,

I just wanted to echo some of your sentiments. I don't allow my anger much free reign, and the way it leaks out is when it is directed at "safe" targets like a frustrating video game, or yelling at anonymous drivers in my car. In the last few weeks, I've felt the rage building again. And since I work with kids, it's not a good thing to take my irritations out on them, when they're just being kids.

And coincidentally, I haven't been engaged in any of the constructive activities I usually do, to keep the build-up from occurring (like writing). This is the first post I've written in over 3 weeks I think.

I know that I have cut myself off from the best joys, in my efforts to protect myself from the lows. Extremes of emotion scare the bejeezus out of me. I have spent my whole life being in control of my feelings, and I don't like losing that control, even if it's joy.

I'm learning a lot about myself due to a rather notable event in my life that I'll go into in a separate post.

So I guess I'll end this, so I can start writing that...

We're in this together, guys. It's nice have you guys at my back.

Jeremy

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#12270 - 11/12/01 10:50 AM Re: I LIKE MY ANGER, JOY AND SADNESS + A NOTE TO EDDIE
still 12 Offline
Member

Registered: 10/09/01
Posts: 167



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#12271 - 11/12/01 12:04 PM Re: I LIKE MY ANGER, JOY AND SADNESS + A NOTE TO EDDIE
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
Look...Anger is still for you and makes you sick!!!

I can relate to a lot of anger, after being abused for 4 years...I got a gun and shot any of them that I could find..became an out law biker until 30 by then or before I had pushed the abuse to the back of my mind...LSD may have helped forget it...I let may anger flow for years...kicking ass was a way of life for me...and no I didn't have sex with anyone for all thoses years...happy..NO...Maybe you need to get it out...Now look, I'm the kind of guy who gets locked up in hospitals for safety problems...It's best to just blow me off...everyone else does but If ANYONE in the place wants to release some anger do it big time...KICK ASS...get it over with as fast as posible...don't want to be or don't think that you are gay...Too Bad!!!!!!!!!!!!

Eddie


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#12272 - 11/13/01 05:25 PM Re: I LIKE MY ANGER, JOY AND SADNESS + A NOTE TO EDDIE
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
RJD,
I've been looking for 15 mounths for a group like you talk of...there is none here in Baltimore or I can't find one to fit into. I have tried a few and didn't fit after 3-4 times I split. Is your group national and may have a branch in B-more?

The "Golden Child"... No I haven't been able to make any form of peace with him...part of me ...maybe all of me is very pissed off at him and he is afraid of me! I guess it's alot of things about him that I can't handle...I know all the things about blame and that crap...when I was operated on this summer...it took an hour longer to seperate all of my insides that were weilded together from 40 year old scaring from beatings from the outside...the child put up many a fight but always lost to the numbers! I feel that he is just a little bitch and now I'm a big one!

Eddie


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#12273 - 04/29/03 02:03 AM Re: I LIKE MY ANGER, JOY AND SADNESS + A NOTE TO EDDIE
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
More for the mix. --- RJD


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