A word to some at this site:

Please, if you see I, or someone else, started a new topic to ask for support, don't start describing your painful situations and discussing them among yourself. It is not fair in regard of the topic starter.

I have faced it several times. I get angry.

By doing what you have done, you don't help survivors. You can help them by listening and giving your advice if you can.

Please learn about the discussion board culture and effects of the CSA on male survivors. Do that.

Alexey

Alexey,

You raise a very valid point. This place is about 2 things as I see it. One is learning about our own abuse and how to recover from it. The other thing is learning how to be supportive and kind to others (something survivors can have difficulty doing because of trust issues).

What you are speaking about Alexey is the second one. It can really be hurtful when someone takes a thread you started and turns it into something all about them instead of being supportive and offering thoughts and suggestions on what to do or how to look at it in another way.

I know that happens here, and I think perhaps the thing we need to do is quietly let a mod know if it happens a lot, especially if it is maybe one person that seems to do it most. Perhaps we can help them learn better boundaries.

Thanks for bringing this up.

Lots of love,

John

I hear you Alexey.

I know I have done that as well. Added perhaps my own story - yet earnestly trying to offer my own insights by referring to a similair personal experience as the post maker's. This though may sound condescending or comparative so - it's a tough thing.

I hear you though that it is best not to derail the topic or the focus of the request.

I think it's an important request.

I know - boundaries - are an important issue.

Alexey, some times I find myself doing it, but never intentionally.
Its called hijacking posts, but sometimes you just want to let someone get your own take on the situation.

If you see it happening politely try and turn the post back around to its original meaning.
Quite often, posts have turned into battle grounds if someone hijacks it.

Thanks for the heads up,

ste

Thanks Ste, Mark, John.

I know that you understand me.

I raised this point when again I started a topic in one section and I really wanted to be supported, but people seemed to take advantage of it, and I was denied in my needs. It is true. I felt it.

Thanks for support in the moment hard for me.

Alexey

Alexey,
I think it happens and most people have no idea what they did. Thank you for so kindly pointing it out as you have. I remember that being one of the points you made when you created your Russian survivor website - and I had never read that on this site. Perhaps a few pointers of etiquette would be helpful here!
Take care of yourself...as you have just done!
Paul

Thank you Paul.

Yes, I think sometimes people (and I myself) can "hijack" posts without realizing someone hopes for it. That is the point to learn from, especially if you were in the situation like this.

Alexey

Alexey, its easy to do, as you are typing into an empty box and do not have the original thread in display.

If I am conscious of it, I would tell the original poster, but I have short memory, and sometimes it means I cannot remember what the post was really about, and it also stops me reading what a post is getting at :p

Thats me,

ste

Take care, Ste. Don't blame yourself, please.

Alexey

if i am guilty of this offence please forgive me.......steve...i will try and be more aware

everyone does it and will keep doing it, because in the end everyone just cares about themselves and themselves only.

and i guess that is an evolutionary thing, that we have for survival. but it still sucks.

sometimes sharing our own experiences is the only help we can offer,maybe a longwinded way of saying hey your not alone.maybe it would be better to just say nothing.

Amen Alexey!

I agree with points of view.

Shadow, I think it is a good point about saying nothing. Not every post here gets a robust support feedback. Some posts provoke debating, of course. For myself, I decided to try to think about what the person who started a topic wants, and then go to wnat I can offer them at this moment.

Thanks for reply

Alexey

I am sorry you feel as this. It must be lonely for you. But I am glad that most people do not feel as this. This place, it is many people who do care of each other. Some day perhaps you will see it as that. I hope you will.

To the issue that was raised, yes, it is valid thing I think. When a person posts here, what they say, it is very much speaking what is their need right then. As much of that, what a person say can trigger responses of others because it do make them think how such thoughts and fears can relate to their own situation. I think it, personal, that it is all right to respond with how things relate to us, if it is in such the way of how things relate also to the original post. We all only have our own experiences and knowledge to give as advices to others. It is just most importent to not 'make' the post about ourself, but keep it as response to other person. There is always 'new topic' button where we can post of what the first one bring up to us.

VN

a really great interpretation Visha.

Thanks Visha. Your words are very true.

Alexey

I've been thinking about this recently. I've seen a lot of good threads killed by very off-topic posts. Personally, I think this is toxic to the discussions we are having here.

All I can ask is, if you are going to write a reply, see if it is a response to the thread, or if it is off-topic. If you are going off-topic, then it is probably best to start a new thread rather than interrupt an otherwise productive discussion.

Nobbynobs,

Thanks. I agree with you.

IT is better to start a new thread to let steam off, while being triggered by someone's cry for help.

Of course, sometimes, really good and deep threads can be terminated by the posts that are not touching the topic at all. I saw it too.

Be well!

Alexey

i think that some good points are in this thread if this is too off topic please let me know,one thing i know is true for me is when i read a post like this ,and some of the responses show this clearly ,i imediately think well it must be me they are talking about,csa kinda makes us blame takers you know? thats one of the things we all need to work on . i think many of us already blame ourselves for too much shit ,and dont need any more things to feel guilty about.would it not be better for everyone if you feel somebody is taking away your chance to find answers for yourself ,that you contact that person by pm or other means . i'll bet half the guys here read this and thought shit i wonder if its me. something so open ended can cause innocent people to add a little more guilt to the mountain they already carry. my reaction was to think to myself i should just stop posting at all ,i dont think thats what this post intended ,but survivors are known for taking things very seriously ,yes? adam

Guys, I'm not naming anyone, because I would have to include my own name on the list.

I think it's really a matter of respect. In real life you wouldn't interrupt someone's conversation in order to talk about a completely different topic. The same respect should apply here. We have a lot of very productive (and provocative) discussions going on, and a thousand different opinions. So people are going to disagree, or get angry, or whatever. But, we are all adults and need to show respect to one-another.

Personally, I have started using the "10 minute rule" with my posts. I write a reply, then go away for 10-15 minutes and do something else, then come back and re-read my reply. If it looks ok, I submit it. More times than not, however, I either edit it, or just delete it altogether.

Adam, it is true, we can take blame easily, and, honestly, I have been not far from starting to blame myself for starting this thread... Whatever, I needed to say how it feels sometimes to post here...

selene, it is good that what you need is experience of others. It is cool. I also need it sometimes. Sometimes, however, I become very low (who doesn't?) and I need to hear words of support.

Nobby, I am glad to hear about your own experience of dealing with "hard threads". Sometimes when I see that a survivor says that he feels sick, tired, or that he is tired, my first reaction would be wild. I am not a good supporter when faced with other's emotions. My abusers were hurt and they made me hurt when they explained to me their pain, while raping me.

That means, I take some days to respond to the posts in which people cry for help. I really do, or I can just shout a couple of senseless words in response to the thread. When I think a bit, I can reply more constructively.

But - every one's experience is different.

I see this thread now as an attempt to focus on the problematic issues arising during our every day discussion.

Alexey

I know that I am guilty of it, but if you do it, just turn attention back to the original post.
I often wonder just how these boards are so mellow, but hey, dont stop posting if you have to think before you write stuff.

I dont think we put ourselves first, I dont, because I hate myself.
I would rather do someone a favor than let them down.

You also have to think of the different cultures of ppl on the boards, I am English, Alexey is Russian, most of you guys live in the states, but we do have differing cultures in etiquette.

As a rule of thumb, if a topic is getting seriously out of control, refuse to take further part in it, and tell the mods, or state your reasons as to why you think the topic should cease.

I think we need to avoid politics, as we all have differing views on it, but religion should be kept in Spirituality forum where you dont need to go if you have strong views against it.

"Dont walk on the grass",

ste

I am responding again to this, because tonight I am angry and hurt. I posted something, of something that have caused me flashbacks and very confused and bad feelings. One member here use that post to not address anything I said, but to make political statement of his own. That is just wrong, and rude.

VN

I have deleted my comments from the relevant thread.

Alexey,

I didn't read all of the replies so that I could stay with your original post. Your thread confirms an original suspicion I gave myself. When wanting to respond to other's posts, sometimes I want to offer a similar experience or feeling so the other person does not feel isolated in the circumstance. In doing so, I may wander, forget that it is someone else's need and topic, and get somewhat self-absorbed.

Your topic has raised my awareness on the subject, and I will try my best to remember that the thread is for the original topic-starter, and not about me.

A

Okay, if i have done this and offended anyone then please forgive me. Happy New year cathy

Brothers and sisters, peace to you.

Alexey