i was a twice nationally awarded painter in high
school -

and a straight A - literally - and one of the best students in all of LA - listed in the LA times -
Sunday Edition -

awarded many academic awards in High School and garnered college credit before

college - through a special examination process -

my father's accountant - saw my tax and receipt keeping methods - this year - after getting back in touch

and my father in turn said -

"mark you are a conscientous person" (like he never knew or understood that)

- um - is this a news flash to you dumbass?

why doesn't he know or remember me?
it's like he sees the world only in
terms of himself and his own experience -

it's really bizarre-

he once said - about himself - "i don't remember anything"

this is frightening -

i feel guilty for expressing myself freely -

but this is exactly how i feel.

if this is truly how it is for him

he must feel - an awful outsider and not good about himself -

but the worse it is - that

i am so hurt - and cannot get near him

it is too boding not good for me or us