I'm back. I'm Alfred, and I went to Paris, Ontario for a MaleSurvivor weekend this last year, and since then I stopped coming here. What I found out after the weekend was more than I knew what to do with. I even emailed one of the top guys here about it, but I couldn't take it in.
Please don't minimize what I am going through now.
I am more a victim (survivor?) of emotional incest than actual physical incest. My mother never exploited me physically, but she never married after my sister was born. I am the youngest of three boys, and then my sister. She was born in 1977, and I was six.
Well, growing up was rough. Mom's an alcoholic, a loner, and intensely controlling, and this created "my world". I thought that's all there was. Well, my two older brothers left home early. They couldn't take the controlling, and they were too outspoken or out of control to subject themselves to it. Not me. I feared for my life, emotionally. I wanted Mom's love, and I stayed home keeping the status quo for a while. When I first moved out, it was a few months after high school, and it was only next door. I always felt "stuck" in my town.
Well, back to my point. I never knew what was wrong with me. Something insided of me screamed because of abandonment and pain I felt. I numbed myself out with avoidance of relationships, and later on, when relationships came about--food, caffeine, isolation, and fantasizing about running away. Even death became attractive.
As a boy, I was her "best child", who "never caused a day of trouble". My mom used to invite me into her bed all the time as a young man. And if she wanted a hug, it was a taking a hug. I even questioned my wife the first time we hugged. I didn't trust her motives. I thought she was going to "take" a hug.
I am in pain right now, but there is good and bad in the mix. For one, my wife opened up to me and told me how alone she felt in our relationship. I couldn't do anything but take it. It was true. But I have been digging into my therapy, and I called my therapist while on vacation. My wife is very willingly coming to my session come Tuesday. I thank God so much for that.
The bad in the mix is my mother-in-law. We've lived with the in-laws about seven months now, I just lost my job, and my wife is reluctantly returning to work after a shortened maternity leave. She only had two months down. So I am looking for a job and getting underserved, unearned, irrational contempt by my MIL who hates her own life. I get so many triggers off her. I hate my own life right now.
God help me!! I fear my wife's emotional abandonment, and I'm emotionally exhausted. I can't take it out on her, dump it on her, and no one within my local friends is "always" there to turn to.
If replying, please remember that I can't relate to the sexual violence that many of you went through. Mine is what could be called emotional exploitation. So the very person I could turn to in time of help never gave me a thing. All she did was take.
I could project this onto anyone. So I don't trust. But you guys are my only link. This email is just what I was trained to do--taking. Don't know what to do.