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#1211 - 06/08/05 05:40 AM Hi, I'm new here.
Lionize Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/07/05
Posts: 4
Loc: USA
Hi, everyone. I went into the chat room last night and was very heartened by the support. I'm really working hard at putting everything into words and it's difficult, so I'm sorry it's taken so long to get in here.

Guess there's no better place to start than the basics: I'm 19. I finished my first year of college this May. I come from a loving, caring household. I've never wanted for anything. I get good grades. I work hard. I play harder. I like writing and all that liberal arts stuff. I love going out and having a good time with my friends. I tend to be one of those guys that has a few really close friends but knows everybody else, even if I'm not "the life of the party" I feel respected wherever I go. I'm fine with that.

I joined here because just a little over twenty-four hours ago, in conversation with a doctor, I let out my secret. I've been dealing with a condition for about three years now that leaves me pretty much unable to use the restroom properly. I went through a battery of awful, embarrasing tests that only made it worse. They gave me every pill under the sun, including valium (which made me absolutely miserable). No diagnosis. So the question came up: Any history of abuse?

I did something stupid. I paused. This is tantamount to admission in a doctor's office, and he leapt on it like a loose football. "Not just sexual. Not even physical. Verbal? Anything."
"Yeah," I said. "Yeah. Once." I took a deep breath. "I've never told anyone about this," I told him. "Not my parents, not anybody, and they're not going to find out, all right?"
He nodded. My father was outside in the waiting room. I buried the fear that he could hear me as deep as I could and started talking.

My brother and I have always been looked after by live-in sitters. My parents both work fairly grueling jobs. So for as long as I can remember someone else has been in the house. When I was 10 or 11, we had a male sitter. We'd just moved twice - once across the country, once up the street. One night, I was taking a bath when he burst in. I squawked and tried to cover myself. He told me I wasn't cleaning myself properly, that I stunk. He was going to teach me how clean myself, he said. He grabbed the soap and went to work, all over my body. I think it was fairly rough, but I really can't remember. I don't remember the extent of the touch, or how long it lasted. I didn't resist - I didn't even know what was going on. A sound came from the driveway. My parents were home early. He stood up suddenly. He looked me in the eyes and told me to remember. As they opened the door, he skulked out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

And that was it. Only once. One miserable, pathetic moment in the bathtub. Compared to 99.999% of all the other cases I've been reading about, I got off with nothing. Absolutely nothing. I should be thankful. Countless others have suffered far worse at the hands of far more horrifying perpetrators - many of them members of their own families. I should be out there helping them, not in here writing this tripe. They should be the ones here, writing this, and getting the help they need. Instead, they go through their lives with this pain buried deep down inside them, and I'm here because I brought my one little miserable story up almost by accident after a good year of keeping it in. I don't want to want help. I want to help the other people who have it so much worse than I do.

I reached a sort of monumental decision this evening. I can't run from this any more. In order to beat it, I have to turn and face it, look it in the eye, and say that I'm not afraid. And right now, that's not true. I'm terrified. I'm terrified that there might be more incidents I just can't remember since over the course of today, memories of fierce verbal jabs no kid should bear flooded back at me. I'm terrified that my parents will somehow find out and hunt down this guy, forcing me to speak against him and confront him only to have him deny everything to my face when I'm still not sure what happened to me. I'm afraid they're going to take me to some soulless shrink who'll just stare at me and recommend pills. I'm mortified of pills. I won't take them. I'm afraid they'll change who I am and that I won't even notice.

And above all, I'm terrified that he did something to my little brother. I don't know, as we were five years apart and very different, if he viewed him as worth his time. Or was he the prime target and I just a temporary diversion? What if he really bore the brunt of this? My brother is now fourteen. He's going to high school. This would send his whole mind crashing down the way it's sending mine. I couldn't bear to do that to him. He deserves a normal childhood. He deserves a normal life. He shouldn't have to see me like this and I hope to God he never, ever, ever went through what I went through. But I don't know and I'm scared to find out.

So yeah, I'm very scared and very tired. It's been a tough day-and-change. But I'm gonna get through it. And I want to thank everyone here. You're all such beacons of strength and give me real hope. I've started a blog to get everything off my chest at the end of every day, and I think that'll work well (it's over at http://lionize.blogspot.com, I don't think anyone'll actually go but it feels good to put my thoughts on e-paper), but I've got a lot of questions. I just felt like I needed to get the actual thing off my chest tonight.

Thanks again. Everything I've read here has made me so glad I've found this place, and really drives me to do my best for all of you.


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#1212 - 06/08/05 12:39 PM Re: Hi, I'm new here.
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
lionize,

Welcome to Male Survivor. Even one incident of SA can leave a person devastated. It's not the number of times it occurs or even the extent that it occurs, the point is, it did occur, and it sounds as if you need to deal with it.

I really don't feel comfortable telling you what you should or shouldn't do as far as telling your parents. I'm 48 yrs old and my parents still haven't a clue. That was MY choice, though. My brother is also 5 yrs younger than I am, and I just recently told him about 2 months ago. If you want to find out if your brother was abused by this guy, try to ask in a non-threatening kind of way, like, "Remember that guy we used to have that watched us? I always thought he was a little strange. You?" I dunno, something like that, so the door is opened and if he wants he can tell you. Just a suggestion.

The good thing about this site, is that you will get a lot of suggestions and you can make your own decisions. No one here will judge you or shame you. We're here to help each other along with ourselves.

Good Luck!


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#1213 - 06/08/05 01:52 PM Re: Hi, I'm new here.
collegecapricorn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/31/04
Posts: 41
Loc: Providence, RI
Welcome Lionize:

I just read your post. I just wanted to let you know not to ever ever feel like you have less of an experience than anyone else. I speak to specificially this statement: "Countless others have suffered far worse at the hands of far more horrifying perpetrators - many of them members of their own families. I should be out there helping them, not in here writing this tripe". Its not about that here, finding out who had the worst expereience, the fact that something happened to you warrants you being here and try hard to not feel out of place. I know from my experience that everyone here is very helpful. Goodluck here.


cc

_________________________
The lessons you learn, not the destination, are the goal of a journey...
give 'um hell!

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#1214 - 06/08/05 03:49 PM Re: Hi, I'm new here.
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Lionize: Welcome. What happened to you was the worst possible thing in your life and that is a fact. It has forced you to live differently and has led to several problems no doubt you have. Your story is like all the stories here. It was a violation of trust and it represented control. As far as I know Hell has no degrees of heat. It is just plain hot. You are in the right place and I am very glad that you are doing something about it at your age. I waited from 16 to 56 to deal with things.

It is a policy here that young men buddy up with a Moderator for a while at least to give you a sense of safety etc. I suggest that maybe you might want to speak in pm to Scotty Todd about this.

As to telling your parents I have no advice. I waited to tell mine until I was 59 and only then because I got mad. The thing is you have told someone and it is no longer your dirty little secret. As a matter of fact it never was. It was his.

STick with us and things will sort out for you

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#1215 - 06/08/05 06:05 PM Re: Hi, I'm new here.
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11079
Loc: Denver, CO
Lionize,

I had the same feelings about being here. I had doubts on whether I "deserved" to be a part of this board. One of the other men told me in a comparative way that "if both arms get burned, it hurts real bad. If only one arm gets burned, it still hurts real bad." As far as I can see from what you said, what happened to you was a burn. You deserve to be here. Welcome.

_________________________
List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#1216 - 06/08/05 08:54 PM Re: Hi, I'm new here.
Grobut Offline
Member

Registered: 06/07/05
Posts: 56
Loc: Denmark
I can only echo what everyone else is saying here, dont, even for a second, think you have less of a right to be here, this is a place for healing, getting to understand things, get things off your chest and just plain sharing with others who will listen.

Abuse is abuse, and nomatter what form it takes, the feelings are the same, and FormerTexan put it well with the burned arms, it doesen't matter where you get burned, the fact is you got burned, just like everyone else here.

Welcome to MS!

Now as for your worries about telling parents and so forth, again i wont tell you what to do, but i'll give you some advice: its important that you take this at your own speed, whats important here is your healing, so listen to yourself, your own needs, and dont let anyone else push you along at a pace you cant follow, not only will it not help, it'll probably hurt you.
When/if you choose to let anyone know, it is important that you tell them this.

There is allso a forum here for family and freinds of abused males, maybe that could be good? just a thought.

_________________________
"Bring back the Superman in me, Clark Kent is such a nerveous wreck" - Kashmir

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#1217 - 06/11/05 04:36 AM Re: Hi, I'm new here.
TheHermit Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
Bah, quoted myself instead of editing lol


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#1218 - 06/11/05 04:51 AM Re: Hi, I'm new here.
TheHermit Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/05
Posts: 24
Loc: USA
Now I messed it all up. \:D [qb] [QUOTE]Originally posted by collegecapricorn:
[qb] Welcome Lionize:

I agree with this as well. I wanted to tell you the same. I came here with that attitude also and others have corrected me really quick. That no matter how horrible, or how often SA has occured, it can still have devastating effects. I feel as though what I went through is nowhere near some of the stories I hear. And always instinctively knew that others have suffered much worse experiences than I. But it does not change the fact that something has happened to me, that was never supposed to happen. And it has had a devastating effect on my life.

I guess i'll comment on your thoughts about your brother also. I didn't want to speak about this, but it has been on my mind for a few days, as well as tonight while reading these boards. So the fact that you mention it too, makes me want to speak on it.

I remember when I was abused by my neighbor... Me and my brother would go to his house after school and play computer games... well, after I was abused, I never returned! And I immediately told my brother, in a stern and certain way, that he was to NEVER return to that guys house again, EVER! (Not sure if I ever said why) I often wonder to this day, did anything happen to him too. And could it have been worse than what happened to me. I want to ask him but I suppose i'm afraid, embarrased, what-have-you. And I remember once (a few years ago) having a serious talk with my brother and I was about to say something totally unrelated to SA, when he stopped me, and said he did not want to talk about "that". At that very moment I started to wonder what he meant. But I said nothing. He has alot of problems in life too, and I wonder (alot recently) if he has had the same things happen to him. Not sure how to ask him, or when (or even if) I want to ask him. I know I can't mention it anytime soon, because I can sense that he's not ready to talk about it or deal with it. Maybe he'll speak when he's ready, who knows. But that's a little of my story.


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#1219 - 06/11/05 05:04 AM Re: Hi, I'm new here.
VN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/03/05
Posts: 723
I do not have the advise to give to you, of anything. I am most new with this also. I come here last week, it is first time, although I talk of it some with few friends, it is I think different to have it down some in writing? I do not know that make the sense, but it make it seem it is more 'real' to me, when first I come here and friend help me to post first time here. I am hoping your time here will be gentle and you feel much better soon.

VN


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