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#12042 - 04/29/03 06:04 AM Does life just stops here?
universe Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/29/03
Posts: 2
Loc: Singapore
When i was 9 years old (now Iím 22), i was sexually abused by a family friend. A trusted family friend. I was just an innocent boy full of laughter and hope. But ever since that happened, i was never innocent again. My life and world was torn apart, hate formed from deep down my heart...i dare not tell anyone..and even till today...nobody knows...i hate, HATE the man that robbed me of my innocence and wrecked my whole life since then! But for the past 13 years, i have suffered in silence..i am no longer sure of what i want and dreamt of..i don't even know my self anymore! My sexual identity has been a big problem ever since. I'm still attracted to women, but unlike men my age, i donít have the ...desires..even facing the most attractive women. I find some men attractive too...though not the sexual way...i don't even know what i have turned into. ..a psychopath?
I met a woman a year ago, whom i love with all my heart..i can feel it deep inside me, though i never confess, that she's the One...
I though that finally, after so many years, i finally can lead a normal life..but after being with her for 3 mths..the uneasiness started to take over me again..don't get me wrong, she's perfect..it's me..all the problem lies with me..she's patient, kind, loving, faithful..
But i keep feeling i'm not good enough for her, i'm a psycho! Iím imperfect! Iím not good enough for her! She has told me countless times whatever fault i have, it's the past and yet she still loves me. But i felt so guilty( i donít understand why..).. i finally confided in her my deep dark secret that i'm abnormal and that we can't continue with the relationship. (because I donít think we can ever get into a sexual relationship in future, with anyone)
The pain in her eyes tore me apart.
She's the kindest person on Earth and I have to hurt her that way. But i thought if i do not tell her now, it will hurt her even more if the realtionship gets further.
She still will not give up on me, bent on helping me get back 'to the right track'. I felt even more guilty..I do not deserve someone as wonderful as her! What good do i have to make her sacrifice her future for me? I ask her to give up on me and find a better, NORMAL guy..but she said she has already given her heart and soul to me, and it will always be me...
so much dilema right now...how can i hurt her further?
how can i do that to her?
She said that I may have had 13 years of suffering, but when i fell for her,
God has given me a chance of happiness for eternity...
is that true?
I truly do not wish to turn into a gay. I want to lead a normal life too. I want to give the woman I loved (love?) a lifetime of happiness. Iím so confused. Who can give me any idea what I should do to get on with my life?

_________________________
Life stops...when you stop believing..

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#12043 - 04/29/03 06:30 AM Re: Does life just stops here?
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
universe,

I wish I had the answers you seek, but those lie somewhere inside of you. The first step in healing is to find acceptance of who and what you are. No one can tell you if you are gay, bi or straight, but you have to allow yourself to be whoever you are. You are putting all this guilt and pressure on yourself to fit into a mold, and I can tell you that you will be very unsettled and unhappy as long as you do that. We want to stick all these labels all over ourselves, and if we see something as bad, we feel bad about ourselves. Acceptance goes deeper than I can put into words. It is a state where you are comfortable with who and what you are, and from all the names you have called yourself, you clearly need to work on it.

By coming here, and being brave enough to talk about how you feel, you have taken a big step toward healing. I spent nearly thirty-five years stuck, not willing to admit I needed help or had any problems. Reaching out takes a tremendous amount of courage, and you should really be proud of doing so when you are still so young.

I want to give you hope for your relationship, because I am with a woman much like yours. We have been through a lot as I have learned and changed, and we are still together. Relationships all have their pain and problems, so donít think yours is any different. Yes, you hurt her, and I am sure there will be many more hurts along the way, but you can make it, together.

This really isnít a DIY project. You need to get some help sorting all of this out. I know your mind is filling with all sorts of ideas about therapy, and a thousand reasons not to go, but it really isnít that bad. It certainly isnít as bad as suffering through another ten years with the issues in your life. Think enough of yourself and this woman to be strong and seek out a therapist in your area that can help. This site has data base, and mine even turned out to be in there. I wish you luck, and hope you find peace with your life.

jeff

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#12044 - 04/29/03 07:52 AM Re: Does life just stops here?
Little_E Offline
Member & Volunteer
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 11/14/02
Posts: 169
Loc: London UK
Dude,

Take a chance! She still loves you. If she's willing to stand by you, be your rock, in these hard times. The way i see it, she need you just as much as you need her, you may not see it yet, but you do. And who cares if the relationship doesnt turn sexual.

The SA that you suffered that WE have all suffered has fucked with our heads, it makes us all dout and second guess our selfs. You are no Phycopath m8. And "Normal" who wants to be that!! To me Normal is so boaring! The Truth as i see it is that, there isnt anything that is NORMAL. It doesnt exist, only in our minds eye of what we want to belive!

Dont know if I'v been any help! Take care, and I see you around!

Elliot!

_________________________
If your not livin on the edge your taking up to much space!

DISTUBED VISIONS OF AN UNDERWORLD!!

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#12045 - 04/29/03 11:17 AM Re: Does life just stops here?
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Quote:
I met a woman a year ago, whom i love with all my heart..i can feel it deep inside me, though i never confess, that she's the One...
U, your story in many ways sounds so much like my own. The woman I love with all my heart, I met 23 years ago, and I know she is the one. I knew it then and I know it now more than ever. And I tell her so!

U, tell her!

Quote:
I though that finally, after so many years, i finally can lead a normal life..but after being with her for 3 mths..the uneasiness started to take over me again..don't get me wrong, she's perfect..it's me..all the problem lies with me..she's patient, kind, loving, faithful..
U, this sounds so much like my wife, and myself, and the way our marriage started off, and still goes sometimes, tho far more rarely now. There is hope. Believe it. Don't give up on what sounds like a very good thing. Get the help & support you need.

Quote:
But i keep feeling i'm not good enough for her, i'm a psycho! I'm imperfect! I'm not good enough for her! She has told me countless times whatever fault i have, it's the past and yet she still loves me. But i felt so guilty( i don't understand why..)..
Bingo! You hit the jackpot. Ditto! How many times have I told my "one" these things, and had her respond in much the same way as your "one" does to you. Believe her. Let her decide whether or not you are good enuf for her; she certainly seems to think you are.

But above all, believe in yourself. Love yourself.
This makes it easier for others to believe in you & love you. It helps you to believe others can believe in you & love you. It enables you to believe, believe in, and love others.

Are you psycho? Unlikely. Are you imperfect? Who isn't? Are you guilty? Of what? Of having been abused & having your life messed up from it? Like that was your fault? No way man!

Your woman sees in you what my wife has stubbornly insisted on seeing in me even at my worst: the real me. Not the me my perps tried to make of me or society tried to silence me into being. But ME. And she loves me. Your woman clearly loves you.

Fellow survivor, that doesn't come along too often to too many people. Know who you are and love yourself, knowing you are loveable becuz you are you, drawing on the strength & affirmation of her love for you.

Quote:
i finally confided in her my deep dark secret that i'm abnormal and that we can't continue with the relationship. (because I don't think we can ever get into a sexual relationship in future, with anyone)

The pain in her eyes tore me apart.
That you confided your secret--not that you are abnormal, BTW, but that you were abused--is good.
That you can't continue the relationship--well, you have to decide that.

U, just make sure you are deciding it. Not your abuse, for you are more than your abuse. Not your perps, why let them abuse you further? Not anyone or anything but your real true
self, the self she loves, the self that loves her.

U, some people for whatever reasons can't have sexual relationships. But, as I'm having to learn the hard way, love is a lot more than just sex. It doesn't even have to include it, if you both can & actually have to live with that.

But don't underestimate your own resiliency against your abuse. Don't underestimate your capacity to love & be loved sexually and in every way. It's amazing & awesome what love can do!...

Quote:
She's the kindest person on Earth and I have to hurt her that way. But i thought if i do not tell her now, it will hurt her even more if the realtionship gets further.
No, you do not have to hurt her that way. You don't even want to.

In my own times i have done this to my wife, it
was not the real me speaking but the pain, shame & false guilt of my abuse, it was my perps, my family & others telling me I couldn't do anything but hurt, and hurt others. More & more I'm learning to speak for myself. You can too. In many ways you already have. Don't quit now!

Becuz it sounds to me like your relationship has already gone pretty far, and you will really hurt her, & yourself, if you end it. That's just what it sounds like to me from my own experience which of course is not your own...

Quote:
She still will not give up on me, bent on helping me get back 'to the right track'. I felt even more guilty..I do not deserve someone as wonderful as her! What good do i have to make her sacrifice her future for me?
Good for her not giving up on you; now don't give up on yourself! Don't let your perpetrators & critics win.

You most certainly do deserve someone as wonderful as her, becuz she thinks you do, & she thinks you're wonderful, too!

Doesn't sound like she considers a future with you a sacrifice and it sounds like she sees plenty
of good in you. In fact, I already see good in you as I'm sure others here do too.

Quote:
I ask her to give up on me and find a better, NORMAL guy..but she said she has already given her heart and soul to me, and it will always be me...
Oh U, again this sounds so much like the dialog between me & my wife off & on (fortunately more off as time goes on). It breaks her heart when I tell her to give up on me & find someone else, and I know damned well that's the last thing I really want. When she says it will always be me I never had any reason not to believe her, and I still don't.

My wife affectionately says that being married to a "normal" guy would be a real drag! ;\) Hey she had that chance but she chose me instead.

Surely your wonderful woman has had ample opportunity to have other more "normal" guys. Why do you think she chose you?

Becuz as Elliot indicated, normal is boring, it is a standard placed on us by others who are supposedly normal but are just the people with the power or the money or the prestige--all things highly overrated & unfulfilling in the face of love!

Quote:
so much dilema right now...how can i hurt her further? how can i do that to her?
Good questions. In my case, I couldn't. I couldn't keep hurting her further. I couldn't do that to her.

So I did what my heart of hearts my real inner me told me to do.

I stayed with her, and I never regret it.

Quote:
She said that I may have had 13 years of suffering, but when i fell for her, God has given me a chance of happiness for eternity...

is that true?
It was true for me. As for you, of course you must
decide.

Certainly it is very possible, and from what little I know in what you've shared it seems very likely.

All I know is I wouldn't want to risk throwing away even a chance at something like that. Even tho there were times when I did risk it. Now I thank God I didn't blow it.

U, please take the time to make sure that whatever
you do you don't make a mistake you may regret even for eternity...

Don't let your perp, your abuse, your critics & skeptics, do that to you. Don't let those who perpetrated your suffering continue to perpetuate your suffering. Take control & do for yourself what is best for you, and for her.

Quote:
I truly do not wish to turn into a gay. I want to lead a normal life too. I want to give the woman I loved (love?) a lifetime of happiness. I'm so confused. Who can give me any idea what I should do to get on with my life?
U, no one & nothing can turn you gay. If you don't want to be gay you won't be.

Believe me I speak from experience, and experience
that I'm just recently getting more total recall on & facing up to, on this, as I share about in the post you can link to below:

malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001837

You can live a "normal" life--by not doing what your abusive past says, but by being you.

You want to give the woman you love (sounds to me like you still love her; and why not?) a lifetime
of happiness. Well she wants you to, too. So why not do it? You can do it.

U, the support of your fellow survivors here, a live support group for survivors if you can find one, a good therapist, good reading--these are all
things that can help.

Bottom line: get on with your life & don't let anybody or anything stop you. Do what you want to do. Make her happy. Share her happiness. Be happy with her. Let love cast out fear. Be you.

Take care of yourself, take it easy on yourself, love yourself, love your love.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#12046 - 04/29/03 03:10 PM Re: Does life just stops here?
StrangerInAStrangeLand Offline
Member

Registered: 04/23/03
Posts: 33
Loc: Puyallup, WA
I know your feelings...I was confused about sexual identity too. But I know now that I have always been attracted to women. It's who I am. It's often hard for me to know who I am... I have always been one to second-guess, to feel guilty. You have to take a long hard look at what's inside, and trust yourself. Disturbing thoughts about other men, even fantasies about sex, are a part of my life that I have a hard time dealing with occasionally. But there is nothing that makes you "a gay". Are you attracted to women or men, or both? The answer is in you, you just have to know that you can find it. Go with what feels right. You said yourself that you are attracted to women, and that you love this woman. I also know what it feels like to feel inadequate, that you are too "screwed up" to be with anyone...it must have been so hard to finally reveal your secret to this woman. I even know what it's like to be afraid of sex and wonder if it's even possible... but there's one thing you have that I don't...someone who you love that loves you! DON'T THROW THAT AWAY! You are hurting her, and you need to consider her feelings as well as your own. I think you'll find that if you do, she will be sensitive to yours as well and will help you. If you turn her away, she resent you for rejecting her when all she offered was love. And you will hate yourself for denying something that would have made you happy. There is hope, but you need to keep it alive. sorry gtg but I'll probably have something to say later. Hope I helped.


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#12047 - 04/29/03 03:42 PM Re: Does life just stops here?
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
I feel your intense pain, guess i have felt the same torment for a very long time as i am now 44 and just facing these issues....

YOU ARE SO BRAVE to face these situations now, i so wish i would have had your strength....but no i played the denial game and i have wasted my entire life....i feel there is virtually no hope for me to ever recover at this point....

BE PROUD OF YOURSELF AND YOUR STRENGTH......i envy you so very much.....there are many people here that will help you as best they can...if i can help, let me know....

please be good to yourself and understand how brave you are inside.........michael


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#12048 - 04/29/03 07:19 PM Re: Does life just stops here?
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Universe

Quote:
She's the kindest person on Earth and I have to hurt her that way. But i thought if i do not tell her now, it will hurt her even more if the realtionship gets further.
She still will not give up on me, bent on helping me get back 'to the right track'. I felt even more guilty..I do not deserve someone as wonderful as her! What good do i have to make her sacrifice her future for me? I ask her to give up on me and find a better, NORMAL guy..but she said she has already given her heart and soul to me, and it will always be me...
If that's not true love - nothing is \:D

And the best help we get as survivors is from someone we share our love with, and a good therapist of course.

Your abuse has stolen so much from you, but it hasn't stolen your capacity to love, grasp it - you deserve it.

You are also somewhat 'lucky' in that you are still a young man and have realised that you need help, when you wait as long as some of us here have the problems have got much worse.

You are not a "psycho" and you have a lot going for you, what you do have is a lot of the problems associated with SA, and they CAN be dealt with.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#12049 - 04/29/03 08:05 PM Re: Does life just stops here?
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Universe,

You're getting a lot of good advice from these guys. Take it to heart, and do what your heart tells you is best for you now.

I was 12 years removed from my abuse when I met the most beautiful woman. I knew the moment I set eyes on her that I would marry her.

I didn't tell her about the SA. We lived the suburban life, buying a house and raising kids, and destroying a relationship because I was so dysfunctional. We're working on our marriage now, but I had to finally "come clean" on my history. I believe the threat to our marriage was the only thing that could have motivated me to break that silence.

This woman in your life sounds wonderful, and if she already knows about the abuse and is willing to work with you as you recover, then you should take that to heart too as you find your way forward.

I'll suggest that you don't want to enter a committed relationship with such a secret. And you may prefer such a relationship with someone who, upon learning about the abuse, wants to help you recover.

I'm learning that it ain't all beer and skittles in recovery. But I already knew it was all hell and worse before.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenÖ"óThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#12050 - 05/02/03 11:56 AM Re: Does life just stops here?
universe Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/29/03
Posts: 2
Loc: Singapore
Thanks ppl. I hope I'll do the right thing in the end.
Cheers!

_________________________
Life stops...when you stop believing..

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