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#12021 - 11/08/01 02:00 AM more abuse?
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
Last june i confronted my brother about an incident of sexual abuse that happened when i was about 5 years old. It was at my grandmothers house while we were taking a shower together, and he raped me. Since then i have been dealing with it pretty well, but it's still no picnic, and i feel like i have a lot of catching up to do on life. But recently i have been thinking about the possibility that i may have been abused further, and thinking that my brother had been abused sexually as well.

I had told my brother that i didn't want him as a part of my life, and he had shown a great deal of remorse and guilt about what he had done. Both he and my oldest brother show signs that they were sexually abused. My older brother used to lose control of his bowels while he was asleep until he was 8 or so, and sleepwalks. They both have a lot of unexpressed anger, and have had a hard time with social situations. I have started to wonder who abused them, because if they were abused by someone in my family, they could have abused others. In other words, i am wondering just how deep this goes.

The reason i am wondering why i might have been abused further is that my compulsions seem so unrelated. I have always been troubled by sexual fantasies where i am forced to dress and act sexualy as a woman, but i really don't see where these thoughts come from. I am wondering if something else happened, like if somebody pretended i was a girl while molesting me, or if somebody dressed me up or something. I also sometimes get angry with my mother and don't know exactely know why. I suppose it could just be because i am fed up with her verbally abusive alcholic boyfriend, but i honestly thought i was learning to deal with my feelings about that, and it has been a lot quieter lately. I'd hate to think she knew, or that she particpated in the abuse, because she has taken care of me by herself since i was around six years old. But she was a herion addict, and she is still pretty messed up, even though she has been clean for a long time she is still co-dependant on abusive screw up boyfriends.

So, what do you guys think i should do? I considered opening a temporary correspondance with my brother to find out more. I might not want to keep him out of my life forever, even if i wont be ready for a long time. I could also try my older brother, but i don't know him as well, and i would have to tell him i was abused. I don't want to just start telling everybody in my family about the abuse, because it would be easier for them not to know about it. I don't think my grandmother could handle it, but she might know something already, and that might be what makes her so emotionally fragile. At this point, i'm open to suggestions. Thanks for listening.


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#12022 - 11/08/01 09:32 AM Re: more abuse?
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Broken,

Your post really hit some chords with me, my own experience was that for a long time i thought i *knew* what happened to me, I thought i remembered it all, as time went by i discovered i was staring at this huge jigsaw puzzle of mixed up memories and feelings and just generally struggling all over the place just to remain functional, the more i looked, the more i saw.

It took me quite a while of poking around and making mental notes and fitting things together one way, then another, before the pieces finally started to all fit together and make some sense. I get the feeling your kinda going down the same path as i was.

I wish you the best as you work your way through it, please be kind and gentle to yourself, you deserve that you know.

As far as advice goes, if your brothers are willing to talk about it, thats a great source of infromation for you, dont forget that everyone kinda remembers things a little different, so if you hear confliciting things, figure maybe the reality is somewhere in the middle of those two things, hmm, did that make sense? I would just encourage you to start making some notes for yourself on things, in writing somewhere if you can, and just keep adding the bits and pieces as they come in, at some point a clearer picture will be staring you in the face.

I wish you the best, and again, be nice to you, ok?

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#12023 - 11/09/01 11:43 AM Re: more abuse?
No one Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/15/00
Posts: 5
hi broken

i don't post here very often, but i felt i had to this time. i too was abused by my brother - for years and years. it ripped me apart. one of the reasons it destroyed me was due to the fact that i love him and still love him very much. i forgave him (privately - to myself) for what he did. because of this, however, i have never had anyone or anything upon whom/which to project my extreme hatred and anger on except for myself.

anyway, i finally decided it was time to talk to him about it a couple of years ago, as i was falling apart (for real). i was so sick of living as i did. so i flew across the country and stayed with him for a few days and told him everything that was going on. i had no expectations and i didn't know what it was even going to do. me personally, it was nice to get it all out and tell him all of this, but it also left me with tremendous guilt for bringing it all up and making him so upset and crying. i felt awful.

so as far as advice goes? i don't have any. just wanted to let you know that someone else has confronted the same.

please be good to yourself, ok?
peace


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#12024 - 11/10/01 07:14 AM Re: more abuse?
Rob Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/12/00
Posts: 10
Hi Broken,

I read your post and can relate to it from your brothers perspective somewhat.I was abused from the ages of 11-16 yrs.when I was about 15 or so I to tried to abuse someone.It only happened once and to this day I can't forgive myself.As a teenager my mind was all messed up and didn't know what was right.I can't understand why I would do this,to hurt someone, other than the fact of my own abuse,and I have been going through hell everyday thinking about it for 20 years.I wish I had all the answers, I guess abuse affects everyone a little differently and maybe like you were thinking, your brother was also abused.In my opinion you should give your brother a chance to explain because I know I would like the opportunity myself to try to explain my situation to anyone that would listen.It is a terrible thing that happened to all of us, and this is great to have a place to express ourselves.

Best Regards,Robert


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