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#11855 - 10/11/02 07:42 PM after the session
jaketk Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/02
Posts: 49
Loc: illinois
Things are a little bit clearer now. We went to the therapy session last night. K's therapist acted more as a mediator. She was kind, took the time to ask our names, and kept things fair.

Where do I begin?

Well, k started off by asking us very bluntly why we let her father rape her. Some things you just don't remember unless the right order of things is done. I hadn't remembered what she was talking about until she said it. there were times when my uncle would have all three of us, my brother, cousin, and me, in the room while he raped k, and all we'd do was watch. For some reason, I thought she couldn't see us, that's just what I recall, but she could. I recall being alone with her and my uncle and him saying to me, “You want a piece of this pussy,” and me saying no. well, this really confused her, because when our uncles were there, we'd rape her, and when it was just her father, we would just watch. To her, it seemed like we were playing a joke. One minute we'd try to protect her, the other we wouldn't.

My cousin, who I'll call Ty, asked if that was why she called us rapists then. Her therapist was very surprised, I mean really caught off guard by it. k explained that she did because she didn't know how else to describe what happened. She equated us raping her as being protective, and us not doing it as not being protective. I guess we screwed up on that one. She said she'd rather have had one of us doing it to her than her father. I tried to explain that we just would never do anything like that without being made to because it's wrong, but k wanted to know WHY we would do it sometimes and not others. And almost on cue, she asked, “What, would they punish you or something?”

It was so hard after that. I couldn't look at her because she began to break down. I didn't want to se her cry, crying because we wouldn't tell her. She kept asking and asking, and my brother let it slip that we got punished for her "bad' behavior, regardless of whether she knew she was doing something "wrong' or not. My one aunt especially liked doing this. My uncles would tell us we had to watch k, and if she was bad, she'd get it. but, if we promised to make sure she wouldn't do it again, then they would punish one of us instead of her. So that's what we did. Whenever she got in trouble, one of us would take the punishment and try to keep k from doing it again. Occasionally, this didn't work, and she got beat, sometimes raped (but my uncles did it more to get to us than to hurt k). I know now, and I knew it then, I wasn't that na´ve, that my uncles and aunts were really using her as an excuse to see us in pain. It was part of growing up, I guess. All of us had to go thru it to be better at dealing with difficultly, or some bullshit close to that. I think it was really that they got off on it. one of my uncles would laugh the whole way thru while punishing me. He'd really crack up if I tried to hold back screaming and/or crying, and did a poor job of it.

So after the slip, k wanted to know what was done. she was adamant about it. I almost told her something, but when I tried to open my mouth, I almost broke down. I have to look people in the eyes when I talk about things like this, and it's already so hard. Seeing her crying, worried, trying to figure out what we were hiding, I just couldn't do it. I turned away and shut my eyes as tight as I could until the tears went away. I wouldn't look at her after that. she called my name a few times, but I just kept saying no.

Her brother ended up telling her about what we went thru. It wasn't any where near the worst of it. he kept it as decent as possible, just so happens my family is sick, so it was pretty rough to get thru. And most of the stuff was done to all three of us, so I kept thinking about when it was done to me, and thinking about when I saw it being done to them.

We spent most of our time building up to that. at one point, Ty told k that it was okay if she hated if. If it made her feel better, then that was fine. He only gave in to telling her about what happened because her therapist said that it would help k understand why we acted the way we did. Otherwise, I don't think he would have said anything. He told her, and her therapist asked about it too, that she really didn't need to know. it wasn't all that important. Our concern has always been protecting each other, not worrying about ourselves.

K expressed some anger about that. she kind of resented that we never let her do the same for us. in a way, we'd created a group amongst ourselves, and she wasn't included. Added to the way she wasn't included in a lot of what happened to all the males in my family, even with my uncles amongst their two sisters, she felt like we were keeping her out because she was a girl. She resents groups like that, male only, because it reminds her of how she grew up, seeing us only in school or during abuse, very little outside of being punished or just having been punished or just sleeping (sometimes we'd be allowed to sleep together, so we'd all cuddle up as close as possible. I remember a picture I think one of my uncles took of us sleeping. We looked like a bunch of puppies in a bed). And here we were keeping things from her, even though they are painful, she wants to be included in that. so even though we lived and grew up together, our abuse is different.

Her therapist gave Ty some referrals of some local therapists that we might want to check out to deal with our problems. And she suggested that we might want to talk about having group therapy with just us and bringing my younger brother and cousin to the session so that we can try to heal together.

It's a start. I looked over some of the names, and I'm thinking about checking it out. But I want a therapist that is somewhat experienced with dealing with boys and men who've been sexually abused. I think I'd be more comfortable with someone like that.

Things aren't all that better. it's only been a day, and last night I got some, but very little sleep. I couldn't stop thinking about the things that were done, and damn my body, I got an erection and it stayed up all night. After the first hour it really started to hurt. Even after I fell asleep. I spent most of this morning talking with my brother, we share a room, about some of the stuff I was thinking about. I wanted to get up and lay next to him, like we would when we were kids. Last night I really wanted to be held, despite how it makes me feel, but I didn't do it. one, because it's really strange for two brothers to do that with both of us being 19. and two, because I was too embarrassed by my erection. I told him, and he said to jerk off, kind as a reflex before he remembered about how it hurts when I have orgasms. Then he made me promise to go to a doctor to get it checked out. I made an appointment, it's not until the end of the month. I'm a little concerned about the costs. I know doctor visits are expensive. Just walking into the office seems to cost a lot of money. And god forbid I sit down and actually ask a question. Sorry, just wanted to break the tension a little.

Anyway, today wasn't as hard as yesterday was. I still feel pretty bad though. really dirty, and disgusting, but I think it'll pass in a few days. I hope.

Thanks for listening.

jake


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#11856 - 10/11/02 07:59 PM Re: after the session
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jake
your positive outlook and compassion for your cousin and brother is inspirational.

Whatever strength and support I could give you can have.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#11857 - 10/11/02 11:13 PM Re: after the session
mrsunshineguy Offline
Member

Registered: 07/13/02
Posts: 67
Loc: Texas
Hi Jake,

Actually sounds like you all did pretty good. No, make that really super good work. I used to get that peanut-butter-and-gum-words-stuck-in-your- mouth-can-not-talk somewhere during most therapy sessions, too. It will pass.

Like SoCalJohn mentioned in your last string, we do still hold the perspectives of the injured little kids.

The cuddled up like puppies is cute. My girlfriend and I sleep all cuddled and tangled, too. But now our baby "chases" her around the bed all night.

Picking out your T is no small thing. I spoke with 10, did sessions with 3, (I am a contract engineer, so I HAD to go through a "qualifying the bidders process . . .") And then I picked the one my heart wanted because she sounded so nice on the phone when I first talked to her that I started cry.

She was actually the best qualified, too \:\) So . . . Listen to your heart.

And about going back through the mess, in therapy and all . . . .

After the shock and daze fades away, you do start to feel clean. And it sort of helps you keep going forward, like little rewards. By the time I got to end of therapy I was starting to get comfortable with that. Really, really clean. Never thought I ever could be. Just wonderfully clean. You will, too.

See you,

Sunshine


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#11858 - 10/12/02 12:59 AM Re: after the session
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Jake,

You gave K and yourselves a great gift by going and talking about the stuff like you were able too, good stuff jake, real good. I can tell you guys really do care a whole lot about her and i know she can see it too, you guys are awesome.

Jake, just keep taking the steps one at a time and they become known to you, just speak the words that come to mind for you, its all ok, walk through those doors that show up in front of you, this is all about healing, when its time you will find that t that is right for you, just keep the talking going, ok?

[john] hugs jake, you did good jake, all of you.

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#11859 - 10/12/02 12:57 PM Re: after the session
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Jake:

Wow! What powerful healing work all of you have done together!

I can only imagine how painful it must have been for all of you to go thru. But after all you've at least begun some serious soul surgery, to remove this cancer from your lives & relationships, to begin really healing & becoming whole persons, and a healthier family.

Surgery is painful, but sometimes its necessary or at least the best option. Seems to me all of you have made a good choice & begun some good therapy. And you've done it together!

You're beginning to break down the barriers between you put up becuz of the abuse--and again, not any of you are at fault for this.

Oh I know it takes time. But I hope all of you are coming to the place where you will be able not to blame each other or yourselves for what happened. From then to now, you've done the best you could with what you had.

Maybe more of this kind of group therapy will be a good thing for all of you, to get you together & get you talking together.

The more you do this the more you will understand each others actions reactions and motives. The less you will blame one another or yourselves. The more you will come to see & get to know each other & yourselves as the caring, courageous survivors you were then & are now.

Then you will be able to support, care for, appreciate & enjoy one another all the more. All that dysfunctional crap can be put to a stop in your family with your generation.

Thats quite a legacy to be able to give your children & generations to follow, and its quite a gift of hope & strength for yourselves. It's something I'm working on in my own family.

This may seem a long way off for you (all of you) now, but you've taken a big step. Again, you may want to take more of these steps of group therapy, especially since you seem to have a pretty good T for it.

Or this may have been all the major surgery you needed, or maybe you need time to heal scars & recuperate before doing this again.

Also individual therapy might help, and I'm glad you're looking into this.

As you know from this board, the support of other survivors, even "just" online, is very helpful. All of you are already becoming a great support group, a family, for one another!

Sure you feel dirty & disgusting (you're not, what was done to you was!), you feel bad. There's a lot of hurt there. You've been thru major emotional & spiritual surgery. You're tired, you have a lot of new things to process, you have a lot of cleaning up & healing to do.

But you are healing! And I for one (I'm obviously not the only one) am finding healing just from reading about your experience. Your courage and hope are inspiring.

Thank you for sharing this with us.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#11860 - 10/12/02 03:26 PM Re: after the session
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
I am so glad to hear that you went through with the therapy session. It sounds like you all really brought your hearts with you. You have finally begun the long task of healing and there is no turning back now. I mean that in a good way. The road will be rough from time to time but will lead you to a much better life with the opportunity for real love and intimacy with others. You, your brother, and cousins have an opportunity here to stop the legacy of pain and suffering in your family and start things anew. I can only imagine how rough and scary it was to go to that first session and feel really proud of all of you, even though I don't even know you. You sound like a bunch of good guys, including K. Maybe you will include her in your lives now, she would probably like that. I wish you puppies all the best and urge you to continue your journey toward health. \:\)

Roy


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#11861 - 10/13/02 12:04 AM Re: after the session
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Jake,
Much of what you shared here ties in with issues that I still struggle with so I'm keeping my distance from them for the time being.

I just wanted to let you know that I admired your courage in going to this session. It had to have been tough and you were more or less on her turf instead of yours. I hope you are able to get some rest and hope you continue to remember that the shame and responsibility of what was done to you, was not your fault, it is not yours....

I'm pulling for you... but I just wanted to share this with you.

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#11862 - 10/14/02 04:23 PM Re: after the session
jaketk Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/02
Posts: 49
Loc: illinois
First I'd like to thank the support. This has taken a lot out of me, and I'm grateful that I have somewhere to put my thoughts.

I've been considering the therapy, but right now, it really doesn't fit into my schedule. That sounds really bad, but I don't want to drop a class or lose a day at my job. So therapy will have to wait for a little while.

These last few days have been different. I'm not used to the change in the dynamic. I think we've spoken more with each other in the last few days than we have in our entire lives. With that said, between my older cousin and my brother, things are still the same. It's been very hard to try to include k in the things we talk about. Despite knowing how much she wants to know about us, I find it difficult to talk openly with her. I find myself toning it down, leaving things out. We've talked a bit about a few things, and a lot of it she doesn't understand. It's hard to explain to her why I have problems with my sexuality, my masculinity, and my self-image. So I've kept most of what I've told her to beatings, or stuff similar to that.

Her therapist called, and wants to set up another session, maybe next Friday, to reoccur every other Friday. I'm thinking about it, but the last one was too intense. I think the ball's been set rolling, though. I also think k enjoyed, maybe appreciated is a better word, us sharing with her. But like I said, we still haven't done so fully. And I'm afraid to say to her that she's asking for too much too soon. Personally, I don't want to know EVERY experience she or any of my family experienced. It's not entirely necessary to be able to relate to them. But she'd persistent about it. She wants to know more and more. And the things she wants to know are so warped that even thinking about them makes me disassociate.

I am trying though. I do want to have a better relationship with her. However, amongst my brothers and my cousin, we know the limits, know where to stop asking, where to let it drop. We know how to a good streak of comfortable silence. We talked at the session, and I felt that it was enough. Not for forever, just for the time being. K's not being pushy, but she is causing me to throw up my shields, and now I talk with her with the expectancy that she'll ask me to tell her about this or that. It's making me slightly angry, because I'd like not to think about it all the time.

Maybe if we go to the next session, I might tell her that.

jake


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#11863 - 10/14/02 05:16 PM Re: after the session
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jake
maybe if you go to the next session it will become easier ?
Also you could all discuss some loose boundaries for the early sessions.

My thought is that you have all made such a heroic effort to get where you are - to be still talking is amazing - that if you make an excuse now then the excuses will become easier than going and it will drag on.

It's hard, harder than I'll ever know for sure, but it would be so easy to backslide now.

I'm positive you have the strength Jake.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#11864 - 10/14/02 07:08 PM Re: after the session
jaketk Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/02
Posts: 49
Loc: illinois
i understand what you're saying. i don't mean to make excuses. i want to share more, but i think that this needs to be paced. as difficult it might be for k to listen to the things done to me, it's even harder for me to have to think about them long enough to put them into words. and then, it's only been a few days. i'd like her to slow it down. it seems like she's trying to make up for lost time, but she's not fully grasping that this isn't easy for me or my brother or cousin. granted, it's unfair that we already know what she's experienced, either by seeing it or being told about it, and she hasn't had that benefit.

and i understand that she has been left out, and that a large part of me wants it to stay that way. it is more comfortable to keep it like that, even though i know it hurts her.

the way she comes at me, it's like she wants to know everything all at once. i can't function like that. and the stuff dwells on my mind enough as it is. i have a hard time focusing, and then i have to think of things to be able to tell her, not because i want her to know, more to satiate her.

i want us to be able to relate better than we do. i want us to be able to have something close to a normal family. but i think some things should be my own. i do have a lot of boundaries. most of them are shut so tight it's often hard for me to speak my mind with i'm in the presence of people.

i'd really like this to be paced. i'm trying not to be selfish, but talking about these things take a lot out of me. and i don't feel any better afterwards. i feel like less of person. i know i have the right to say to k, “right now isn't a good time,” but i feel like if i say that, she'll be offended, and think i don't want to tell her anything. if we talked during the session, it might prove to have better results. if i offered it up to her, like if i said, “can i tell you something?”, that'd be different. it's not like that.

i know it seems really soon, like i'm backpedaling, but really, it's only been three days. i don't know if she's taking how we tell her these things into account. or if she's at all concerned about how we feel when we tell her. she just wants to know.

i'm trying very hard to open up with her, but she's pushing me too hard too fast. despite this being about her, it's my memory. it's my heart that hurts. i'm the one who can't sleep. i have to deal with having flashbacks all day. i'm the one who feels like he's being used.

is this bad? is it selfish? am i making too much of something that's really nothing?

i'm not sure. i just know i feel like shit, and right now i want a little space so that i can pull myself back together. even this is hard, because i won't say what it really is that i want.

i want k to back off and respect my right to share when and if i choose to. god, it took all of this to get that out. well, thanks for listening again, anyway.

jake


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#11865 - 10/15/02 12:51 AM Re: after the session
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Jake,
As much as they may accomplish, you also have to watch out for yourself and do what you feel you can do. If it gets pushed too fast, it could cause a lot more damage for you than even do any good. That therapist is a little off in my opinion because I would think that she would make sure you had a therapist you were seeing before asking for the committment that she did. I think what she is asking for is way too much or at least it would be for me. I'm not saying don't meet again, but I would take things slow, and put them on your time table... what is best for you. That might be saying no more meetings for a month and then it will be see as you go.

Some therapists will work with you on your schedule. Mine is actually one that works in the evening hours so usually my appointments are at 8pm. I've cut them back to about once a month right now because that is all I can handle with my schedule. If you go back to another group session, you may want to consider strongly seeing a therapist because I think you will need it to keep your balance.

Just make sure you take care of yourself or you won't be good to your other family members...

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

Check out my relaxing piano music from the heart!
http://www.donshetterly.com

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#11866 - 10/15/02 02:41 AM Re: after the session
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Jake,

There is nothing wrong at all with you expressing your needs,, nothing at all. if your like me the hard part is figuring them out, and then getting them into some fashion that others can hear.

If i put myself in your situation,, this is what comes up for me,, i get this nagging thought that i am not being listened too, that i am being swept along with k's wishes without any concern for what is safe or not safe for me. That i am alone in uncharted waters and not quite sure how far i want to go, or how far it is safe to go, it just does not feel safe.

I think you need someone on your side through this thing Jake, like Don said, someone to help you keep your balance through this all, i hope this board and others like it will help fill that role to some degree for you, but considering seeing someone does not sound like such a bad idea, ya know?

I think your concerns are right on and i am glad to hear your intuition is alive and well and has a voice you can hear.

I just keep coming back to if it was me i would want to be able to tell k or her therapist that yeah, i know you/she wants to know as much as you/she can as quickly as you/she can, but this is stirring up a lot of stuff for me and i need to slow it down some,, i am just not up for doing this at this pace.

I would like to believe that the therapist in his/her eagerness just did not realize what this must be like for you guys and all it will take is a gentle reminder and they will add more structure to this whole thing,

[john] hugs jake, hey, i dont wanna see you get hurt in any of this, ok? you been through an awful lot already jake,, remind them jake, this is not one of those has to be done right away right now kinda things,, slowing it down some is not going to hurt anyone.

hugs to ya,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#11867 - 10/15/02 02:48 AM Re: after the session
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Jake,

I forgot to say,, talking about it just during the sessions with the T that you agree to go to seems to be plenty fast enough to me and that will give you some control over whether or not you decide to go to the sessions and share with her at all, and i bet if you suggest it the T will agree with you.

I think that the T is not thinking htis all the way through, maybe out of eagerness or something, who knows,, one thing i do know for sure, YOU are the only one in a position to take care of YOU and your needs in all this.

Hey, Jake, dont let my friend Jake down in this one, ok? he is counting on you to come through for him, and dude, he dont know that yet so dont let on i told you, ok?

Hugs,,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#11868 - 10/15/02 04:30 AM Re: after the session
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Jake, you sound like a really good guy. I agree with the others here that you ought to take this at your own speed. This is pretty heavy duty shit and can be overwhelming. I think you are doing great, especially since it has only been a few days. Your cousin is probably anxious to fill in the blanks in her life, which makes sense. You will need to tell her that you can only deal with this at your own pace. I trust that you will be able to do this gently and with love. In defense of the therapist, she is probably not aware that K is pushing you for information outside of the session. She probably thinks that you will come to the session to talk about it every two weeks, which is reasonable. During the next session, it would be good to set up specific boundaries and the therapist can help you with this.

If you try to put this back in the bottle now, it will only come around to bite you in the ass later in life. Better to get your head straight now while you are young, so you don't spend years messing things up for yourself like many of us have. There is an opportunity here to permanently alter the course of your life for the better. It will take time and energy and you may want to seriously consider taking a semester/quarter off or reducing your class load to the bare minimum. You certainly have justification. The intensity will eventually subside and things will return to (better than) normal.

You are absolutely right in wanting to pace yourself. Going too fast can actually be dangerous. Remember that you are always the one in control here. You can always say "stop", leave a session if you have to. Remembering that may make it easier to move forward. You are not obligated to your cousin in any way. Going to these sessions should be about your own healing, not hers. It may be beneficial to both of you to do this together, at least for awhile, but you do not owe anything to anyone except yourself.

I will try to beam you positive healing energy from southern California tonight. Every little bit helps!


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#11869 - 10/15/02 02:22 PM Re: after the session
jaketk Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/02
Posts: 49
Loc: illinois
Again guys, thanks for the support.

I did think it was rather quick for k's therapist to ask for another meeting, especially since k hasn't had her regular session yet. I think she saw that there was progress, and wanted to make sure that we continued. Also, the session was done on k's time, not as a whole new session, which is what she proposed. What I'd really want, despite it being difficult for all of us, especially k, is that we have a different therapist run the group sessions. It's not that I don't think that k's T was bad or anything like that. In fact, her being female didn't seem to bother me at all, although that might have been because I was focused more on k than her. I just think that it wouldn't be fair to the rest of us. We would need a fresh person, one who would have to attune to all our needs, not just be attuned to one of us. I think that k's T is really attuned to helping her, and maybe saw this experience as a watershed for her. I do agree though that this is moving rather fast. However, we haven't made any commitment to go to another session just yet.

I'm still considering the therapist. In fact, I'm reading "betrayed as boys' and I'd really like to try therapy again, perhaps with someone used to dealing with sexual abuse of males. I might be able to squeeze it in on Tuesdays or maybe Saturdays if anyone is available on the weekends, which I seriously doubt.

The hardest part of this is dropping my defenses. When I do that, I need to know that my feelings will be acknowledged. Among my brothers, my cousin, and even my father, I know that if I don't want to talk, I won't be pressured. It won't be brought up. In her desire to know more, k's forgotten that this has an impact. I haven't told her this in so many words. Last night when she asked how I was feeling, I said fine, and when she brought stuff about her mother, I just blurted out that I didn't feel like talking about it. She backed off, but I felt guilty for snapping like that.

My way of dealing with this is to bottle it all up. Knowing what I do about the effects of that, one would think I think twice about doing it. But I function better by not dwelling on it. I function better by handling different parts at different times. Sometimes, I feel better if I just "forget' it happened. inevitably, it'll be brought up during the day. One of my brothers, or my cousins, will say something about what they are dealing with, or ask how I'm doing. And then I let it unload. I talk with my friends about it, and it's basically the same thing. We go thru the day pretending everything is fine, and when we get the time to relax, we let it out with each other.

So I think tonight all of us need to get together and talk this out. We need to set up some boundaries on this, I think keeping to the sessions would be a good start, and I think we need to work out what's best for all of us as far as the sessions and individual therapy is concerned. Two things I'm concerned about as afar as the group therapy goes are my youngest cousin and our history.

With my youngest cousin, he's 9, I'm not sure if I want him in therapy with us. Not that I think he can't handle it, but that he's just started to get a hold on who he is. He's making more friends, and out of all of us, has the closet thing to a normal life. He still talks about stuff, in fact, we make sure that he knows he can tell us anything, and he's fairly receptive. He likes trying to get me to relax by having me play with him to take my mind off of things. Sometimes he asks what's wrong, and I'll tell him, but not in a way to unload on him, just to answer his question. Still, I'd rather not put him in a situation like this, at least not right now.

The second thing is the dynamic in which we were brought up, and abused. K was separated from the rest of us, so us males have a totally different experience. I'm not sure how much of that she's going to be able to not only understand but accept. We do have a bond between us that can't be replicated. And I don't want to destroy it. Also, there isn't any adding to it. K and the rest of us can create a new bond, but the old one is there. It developed from us having to be silent so much. We learned how to read each other's looks, expressions, even the way the other breathed. She doesn't really have that kind of connection with us. So I don't know how much she'll be able to relate to what we've experienced.

jake


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#11870 - 10/15/02 04:41 PM Re: after the session
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Jake:

A lot of good support and suggestions here, especially your own: "Maybe if we go to the next session, I might tell her that." Great idea. Acknowledge her needs, and tell her yours.

The two are not incompatible. You are unable to share too much all at once. Eager as she is, I suspect she is unable to learn all this stuff all at once. Mine has leaked out over time, and only after many years. As hard as it is now, I don't think I could have handled it any other way. Same thing with telling people about it. Slow but sure.

Search the net (or ask NOMSV?) about T's who "advertise" working with male survivors. I found one a couple hours + away. If it were closer and I didn't already have such a good T about an hour away, I'd go in a heartbeat.

He's even written a book on male survivors, which I'm reading now, and he seems very willing to work especially with male survivors as far as finances & even using a meeting place closer if possible. (Of course, this is in the Carolinas.)

Anyway like the others said, take your time & take care of yourself, Jake.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#11871 - 10/15/02 04:57 PM Re: after the session
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jake
If at all possible try to find a therapist that specializes in SA, or at least has very good experience and understanding of our problems.
It'll make all the difference I think.

And if you continue to go as a group make sure there are ground rules agreed between you all, everyone in the room. Then you all have the right to say "stop"

To have someone as young as 9 involved would probably not be fair on him, the dynamics of the situation - the power structures would probably be too much for him to understand.Although I don't doubt he has some idea what went on other than the physical side of it, but it must be explained in a way he understands.

Jake, your understanding and insight into what's going on around you is amazing. How you sort out this frightening mess with the clarity you do is a measure of your strength.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#11872 - 10/16/02 10:52 AM Re: after the session
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Jake,

I gotta say i am impressed with how your thinking all of this through so well and your paying attention to the needs of everyone incvolved, not just you and not just K, that shows you have healed some and are perhaps a lot healthier than maybe you realize.

Keep thinking things through, and i was also thinking if you all do get into a group thing, i like what your thinking abuot getting someone that is going to be there for all of you and not over focused on one person, that makes so much sense to me, and besides that, i am not so sure you need another T on top of that, i would think that if you were all in a group together that you would also get some personal attention each visit as part of that group process. not sure if that made sense or not, anways,, i think your doing great, hang in there and keep at it all, ok?

The answers for you and your family are out there, they will show up and make themselves known when its time, i have faith in that. as for the 9 year old, dang, go play with him jake, give him hugs and let him have a childhood, he does not need to be part of all this unless he is showing signs of stress and acting out. he will let you know when he needs to be part of things in that arena.

Keep on jake, your doing good!

Hugs,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#11873 - 10/16/02 04:40 PM Re: after the session
jaketk Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/02
Posts: 49
Loc: illinois
i have this tendency to analysis everything that happens with me. i learned to do it as a kid because it helped figure out who would be willing to have sex with me and what to do to get them to drop their outward fašade and actually do. also, my father was real keen on teaching all of us to know why things happen. not just to know point a and point z, but to know and understand b thru y. so i analysis the hell of my situation until i'm blue in the face. doing something about it, that's the tricky part.

i'm going to call some of the references over the next few days, and see if i want to meet with any. they might be able to refer me to someone who specializes in sexual abuse. right now, i doubt i could handle it, but if i find someone i like, i can manage next semester around it.

i agree that my cousin doesn't need to go to group therapy. it's way too much stress to put on him, and besides, he's doing pretty good right now. he's not perfect, still has trust issues, but he's usually okay. there's just no good reason to burden him with it right now. but if he says he wants to go, then we'll let him once.

jake


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