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#11865 - 10/15/02 12:51 AM Re: after the session
MrDon Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/08/01
Posts: 957
Loc: Deltona, FL
Jake,
As much as they may accomplish, you also have to watch out for yourself and do what you feel you can do. If it gets pushed too fast, it could cause a lot more damage for you than even do any good. That therapist is a little off in my opinion because I would think that she would make sure you had a therapist you were seeing before asking for the committment that she did. I think what she is asking for is way too much or at least it would be for me. I'm not saying don't meet again, but I would take things slow, and put them on your time table... what is best for you. That might be saying no more meetings for a month and then it will be see as you go.

Some therapists will work with you on your schedule. Mine is actually one that works in the evening hours so usually my appointments are at 8pm. I've cut them back to about once a month right now because that is all I can handle with my schedule. If you go back to another group session, you may want to consider strongly seeing a therapist because I think you will need it to keep your balance.

Just make sure you take care of yourself or you won't be good to your other family members...

Don

_________________________
In order to journey to new worlds, we must first be willing to lose site of the shore.

The Mind Body Thoughts Blog
http://mindbodythoughts.blogspot.com/

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#11866 - 10/15/02 02:41 AM Re: after the session
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Jake,

There is nothing wrong at all with you expressing your needs,, nothing at all. if your like me the hard part is figuring them out, and then getting them into some fashion that others can hear.

If i put myself in your situation,, this is what comes up for me,, i get this nagging thought that i am not being listened too, that i am being swept along with k's wishes without any concern for what is safe or not safe for me. That i am alone in uncharted waters and not quite sure how far i want to go, or how far it is safe to go, it just does not feel safe.

I think you need someone on your side through this thing Jake, like Don said, someone to help you keep your balance through this all, i hope this board and others like it will help fill that role to some degree for you, but considering seeing someone does not sound like such a bad idea, ya know?

I think your concerns are right on and i am glad to hear your intuition is alive and well and has a voice you can hear.

I just keep coming back to if it was me i would want to be able to tell k or her therapist that yeah, i know you/she wants to know as much as you/she can as quickly as you/she can, but this is stirring up a lot of stuff for me and i need to slow it down some,, i am just not up for doing this at this pace.

I would like to believe that the therapist in his/her eagerness just did not realize what this must be like for you guys and all it will take is a gentle reminder and they will add more structure to this whole thing,

[john] hugs jake, hey, i dont wanna see you get hurt in any of this, ok? you been through an awful lot already jake,, remind them jake, this is not one of those has to be done right away right now kinda things,, slowing it down some is not going to hurt anyone.

hugs to ya,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#11867 - 10/15/02 02:48 AM Re: after the session
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Jake,

I forgot to say,, talking about it just during the sessions with the T that you agree to go to seems to be plenty fast enough to me and that will give you some control over whether or not you decide to go to the sessions and share with her at all, and i bet if you suggest it the T will agree with you.

I think that the T is not thinking htis all the way through, maybe out of eagerness or something, who knows,, one thing i do know for sure, YOU are the only one in a position to take care of YOU and your needs in all this.

Hey, Jake, dont let my friend Jake down in this one, ok? he is counting on you to come through for him, and dude, he dont know that yet so dont let on i told you, ok?

Hugs,,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#11868 - 10/15/02 04:30 AM Re: after the session
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Jake, you sound like a really good guy. I agree with the others here that you ought to take this at your own speed. This is pretty heavy duty shit and can be overwhelming. I think you are doing great, especially since it has only been a few days. Your cousin is probably anxious to fill in the blanks in her life, which makes sense. You will need to tell her that you can only deal with this at your own pace. I trust that you will be able to do this gently and with love. In defense of the therapist, she is probably not aware that K is pushing you for information outside of the session. She probably thinks that you will come to the session to talk about it every two weeks, which is reasonable. During the next session, it would be good to set up specific boundaries and the therapist can help you with this.

If you try to put this back in the bottle now, it will only come around to bite you in the ass later in life. Better to get your head straight now while you are young, so you don't spend years messing things up for yourself like many of us have. There is an opportunity here to permanently alter the course of your life for the better. It will take time and energy and you may want to seriously consider taking a semester/quarter off or reducing your class load to the bare minimum. You certainly have justification. The intensity will eventually subside and things will return to (better than) normal.

You are absolutely right in wanting to pace yourself. Going too fast can actually be dangerous. Remember that you are always the one in control here. You can always say "stop", leave a session if you have to. Remembering that may make it easier to move forward. You are not obligated to your cousin in any way. Going to these sessions should be about your own healing, not hers. It may be beneficial to both of you to do this together, at least for awhile, but you do not owe anything to anyone except yourself.

I will try to beam you positive healing energy from southern California tonight. Every little bit helps!


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#11869 - 10/15/02 02:22 PM Re: after the session
jaketk Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/02
Posts: 49
Loc: illinois
Again guys, thanks for the support.

I did think it was rather quick for k's therapist to ask for another meeting, especially since k hasn't had her regular session yet. I think she saw that there was progress, and wanted to make sure that we continued. Also, the session was done on k's time, not as a whole new session, which is what she proposed. What I'd really want, despite it being difficult for all of us, especially k, is that we have a different therapist run the group sessions. It's not that I don't think that k's T was bad or anything like that. In fact, her being female didn't seem to bother me at all, although that might have been because I was focused more on k than her. I just think that it wouldn't be fair to the rest of us. We would need a fresh person, one who would have to attune to all our needs, not just be attuned to one of us. I think that k's T is really attuned to helping her, and maybe saw this experience as a watershed for her. I do agree though that this is moving rather fast. However, we haven't made any commitment to go to another session just yet.

I'm still considering the therapist. In fact, I'm reading "betrayed as boys' and I'd really like to try therapy again, perhaps with someone used to dealing with sexual abuse of males. I might be able to squeeze it in on Tuesdays or maybe Saturdays if anyone is available on the weekends, which I seriously doubt.

The hardest part of this is dropping my defenses. When I do that, I need to know that my feelings will be acknowledged. Among my brothers, my cousin, and even my father, I know that if I don't want to talk, I won't be pressured. It won't be brought up. In her desire to know more, k's forgotten that this has an impact. I haven't told her this in so many words. Last night when she asked how I was feeling, I said fine, and when she brought stuff about her mother, I just blurted out that I didn't feel like talking about it. She backed off, but I felt guilty for snapping like that.

My way of dealing with this is to bottle it all up. Knowing what I do about the effects of that, one would think I think twice about doing it. But I function better by not dwelling on it. I function better by handling different parts at different times. Sometimes, I feel better if I just "forget' it happened. inevitably, it'll be brought up during the day. One of my brothers, or my cousins, will say something about what they are dealing with, or ask how I'm doing. And then I let it unload. I talk with my friends about it, and it's basically the same thing. We go thru the day pretending everything is fine, and when we get the time to relax, we let it out with each other.

So I think tonight all of us need to get together and talk this out. We need to set up some boundaries on this, I think keeping to the sessions would be a good start, and I think we need to work out what's best for all of us as far as the sessions and individual therapy is concerned. Two things I'm concerned about as afar as the group therapy goes are my youngest cousin and our history.

With my youngest cousin, he's 9, I'm not sure if I want him in therapy with us. Not that I think he can't handle it, but that he's just started to get a hold on who he is. He's making more friends, and out of all of us, has the closet thing to a normal life. He still talks about stuff, in fact, we make sure that he knows he can tell us anything, and he's fairly receptive. He likes trying to get me to relax by having me play with him to take my mind off of things. Sometimes he asks what's wrong, and I'll tell him, but not in a way to unload on him, just to answer his question. Still, I'd rather not put him in a situation like this, at least not right now.

The second thing is the dynamic in which we were brought up, and abused. K was separated from the rest of us, so us males have a totally different experience. I'm not sure how much of that she's going to be able to not only understand but accept. We do have a bond between us that can't be replicated. And I don't want to destroy it. Also, there isn't any adding to it. K and the rest of us can create a new bond, but the old one is there. It developed from us having to be silent so much. We learned how to read each other's looks, expressions, even the way the other breathed. She doesn't really have that kind of connection with us. So I don't know how much she'll be able to relate to what we've experienced.

jake


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#11870 - 10/15/02 04:41 PM Re: after the session
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Jake:

A lot of good support and suggestions here, especially your own: "Maybe if we go to the next session, I might tell her that." Great idea. Acknowledge her needs, and tell her yours.

The two are not incompatible. You are unable to share too much all at once. Eager as she is, I suspect she is unable to learn all this stuff all at once. Mine has leaked out over time, and only after many years. As hard as it is now, I don't think I could have handled it any other way. Same thing with telling people about it. Slow but sure.

Search the net (or ask NOMSV?) about T's who "advertise" working with male survivors. I found one a couple hours + away. If it were closer and I didn't already have such a good T about an hour away, I'd go in a heartbeat.

He's even written a book on male survivors, which I'm reading now, and he seems very willing to work especially with male survivors as far as finances & even using a meeting place closer if possible. (Of course, this is in the Carolinas.)

Anyway like the others said, take your time & take care of yourself, Jake.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#11871 - 10/15/02 04:57 PM Re: after the session
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Jake
If at all possible try to find a therapist that specializes in SA, or at least has very good experience and understanding of our problems.
It'll make all the difference I think.

And if you continue to go as a group make sure there are ground rules agreed between you all, everyone in the room. Then you all have the right to say "stop"

To have someone as young as 9 involved would probably not be fair on him, the dynamics of the situation - the power structures would probably be too much for him to understand.Although I don't doubt he has some idea what went on other than the physical side of it, but it must be explained in a way he understands.

Jake, your understanding and insight into what's going on around you is amazing. How you sort out this frightening mess with the clarity you do is a measure of your strength.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#11872 - 10/16/02 10:52 AM Re: after the session
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
Jake,

I gotta say i am impressed with how your thinking all of this through so well and your paying attention to the needs of everyone incvolved, not just you and not just K, that shows you have healed some and are perhaps a lot healthier than maybe you realize.

Keep thinking things through, and i was also thinking if you all do get into a group thing, i like what your thinking abuot getting someone that is going to be there for all of you and not over focused on one person, that makes so much sense to me, and besides that, i am not so sure you need another T on top of that, i would think that if you were all in a group together that you would also get some personal attention each visit as part of that group process. not sure if that made sense or not, anways,, i think your doing great, hang in there and keep at it all, ok?

The answers for you and your family are out there, they will show up and make themselves known when its time, i have faith in that. as for the 9 year old, dang, go play with him jake, give him hugs and let him have a childhood, he does not need to be part of all this unless he is showing signs of stress and acting out. he will let you know when he needs to be part of things in that arena.

Keep on jake, your doing good!

Hugs,

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#11873 - 10/16/02 04:40 PM Re: after the session
jaketk Offline
Member

Registered: 09/26/02
Posts: 49
Loc: illinois
i have this tendency to analysis everything that happens with me. i learned to do it as a kid because it helped figure out who would be willing to have sex with me and what to do to get them to drop their outward fašade and actually do. also, my father was real keen on teaching all of us to know why things happen. not just to know point a and point z, but to know and understand b thru y. so i analysis the hell of my situation until i'm blue in the face. doing something about it, that's the tricky part.

i'm going to call some of the references over the next few days, and see if i want to meet with any. they might be able to refer me to someone who specializes in sexual abuse. right now, i doubt i could handle it, but if i find someone i like, i can manage next semester around it.

i agree that my cousin doesn't need to go to group therapy. it's way too much stress to put on him, and besides, he's doing pretty good right now. he's not perfect, still has trust issues, but he's usually okay. there's just no good reason to burden him with it right now. but if he says he wants to go, then we'll let him once.

jake


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