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#11833 - 01/16/04 08:44 PM I'm sory, feeling responsible, trigger
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
My father,in another country, has been arrested for doing sexual thing with a young boy. My mother is wanting to contact authorities of what he done to our family, what he do to my brother. A friend say he do not think it matter, it in different country. my father always was abusive, in so many ways, physical and emotional and verbal, total torture so much in so many ways. But I do not know I remember him being sexual abusive to me. I remember that of my mother, but not him. Or maybe I do? I don't know. Maybe 'other' part of me do? I have no idea. I know I feel things, physical things sometime, that I do not remember someone do to me. I feel guilty, I feel if my mom and I, we say something of him before now, he could not hurt someone else there. I don't know what I think or feel, I just know I feel scared, feel worried, don't even know I know what has happened in past. So confused, no idea even how to say what I need to say. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, for everyting.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#11834 - 01/16/04 09:16 PM Re: I'm sory, feeling responsible, trigger
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
I am sorry you are so confused Leosha, you just need to allow the feelings and memories happen when they are ready. You have the strength and courage to deal with everything, and you can survive any memories, don't try to force it though, just allow it to flow.

You are not responsible for what happened, you and your mother did what you thought was best at the time, you have no reason to feel guilty. Your father was an evil man, and no matter what you were to have said he probably would have hurt someone anyway. I am glad he was caught and can't hurt anyone else, least of all you, you have suffered enough because of him.

Take care of yourself, and remember you are not to blame, not at all.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#11835 - 01/16/04 09:38 PM Re: I'm sory, feeling responsible, trigger
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Leosha - you must have been typing this posting as I was typing mine! We both sound like two confused and hurt individuals at the moment (with another 1600 pairs of eyes looking on)! I don't know exactly what to think at the moment... I'm trying not to think at all really, however I know that when the words are meant to be there, they will come. *I was so pleased to see that you were back here the other day, you had me worried went you left the site.

Rik - a friend across the water!

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#11836 - 01/17/04 02:30 AM Re: I'm sory, feeling responsible, trigger
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Leosha,

This must be a terrible place to be at.

I have nothing to offer in the way of direction on this, only the best wishes for you and my support. Take care of yourself first, don't press yourself to remember things that you aren't ready to.

Your father is an evil man. Has been to your family and beyond. You have no reason to feel sorry, you are a good, decent, caring man.

Take care,
Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#11837 - 01/17/04 12:38 PM Re: I'm sory, feeling responsible, trigger
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Brother Leo,

You have absolutely NOTHING to feel sorry about. This scumbag was evil and he was terrifying you and your family. There was nothing ypu could do.

Funny, I was having another nightmare this morning and I was paralysed with fear and guilt. You know what? I hid for a while, took a LOT of deep breaths, and said to myself, "there was nothing you could do, nothing you could do, nothing." And I believed it. For once in a long time, I believed it.

It is the same for you too, Leo. You've gone through so much and you keep bouncing back. There are many folks walking around who would've been catatonic if a TENTH of what happened to you happened to them. You are a child of the universe and a hero. You certainly are an inspiration for me.

As for the other stuff, blocking out any sick other sick s**t he did. You know, it doesn't matter. He did enough. If you NEVER got the memories of other things back, it would be a relief. Can you prepare for them to come back? I don't think so. It's okay to be horrified of them when they do, be paralysed for a little bit, then come back as you always do.

I often wonder, "how is it that we can keep finding out all this sick crap that has been done to us, survive it, live through it, get better, and go back again after being revictimized (as it sometimes happens). I think of it as this. We've developed weight-lifting spirits. We get this stuff dumped on us, and it seems heavy when we deal with it. Eventually, it gets lighter becasue we get stronger. Anything else that happens adds more weight. We think we'll buckle under it, but we keep on and that gets lighter too. Nietsche (sp?) was right in one way, "that which doe not kill us makes us stronger." And it has with you too.

Keep on, my brother. You know you can always find help here. I love you and I feel for you.

Peace. Lord knows you deserve it.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#11838 - 01/17/04 05:39 PM Re: I'm sory, feeling responsible, trigger
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Leosha and Rick, I am saddened that you are having some really difficult days just now. Rick, I read your poem. I need to think about it before I respond to you and your thoughts. My heart is with you as far as that is possible.

Leosha, we can never know what someone might do. If your father did not sexually abuse you there is no way you could have imagined him doing that to anyone else. As others hyave already said--we let memories come when they need to. Trying to force memories can lead to fantasies and they are entirely different. You are in no way responsibile for any of your fathers actions.

Leosha, from what I know of you from here, and from what you have told us of your father, I just want you to know that I do not see anything of your father in you. If that is a worry for you in any way, I want you to know that you are a totally different person than your father. Try to be at peace with that friend.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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