You've been deeply hurt (again) in an intimate relationship, you've had brain surgery, you can't walk, you've been sexually abused. Of course its hard for you to be positive; it would be hard for anybody. It's not just you.
I won't tell you not to be so hard on yourself, becuz I'm an expert at beating myself up. Sometimes my heart & my body hurt so bad I can hardly stand it. And of course I blame myself for it all: "Why don't I just quit doing that? Why didn't I stop the abuse?"
Becuz I couldn't--period! I know this, but I often don't feel it.
Mark, when you were being raped, you were also in the process of having brain surgery! Could you even think
to say or do anything? Surely you couldn't stop the son of a bitch!
If you can't put yourself in that situation again don't, and don't let anybody pressure you into doing so. If its worth it to you to try this device, insist on doing it when one of your parents or someone you can trust can be with you. Maybe wait till you can talk to your T about it.
Mark, I can't even imagine the pain you must be going thru. Whether you ever become a therapist or not, I think your taking a college course is commendable, as are all the efforts you're making.
You have a lot of courage. You are a survivor!