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#11783 - 10/11/02 02:33 PM Feeling Down
Mark S Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 130
Loc: England
I'm really struggling to be positive at the moment. As I've explained in earlier posts, I was repeatedly abused/raped by a male nurse whilst I was in hospital having brain surgery.

Now my dad has found out about a device that may mean I would be able to walk a bit. He knows about my abuse and has been supportive but now he is pushing that I go for it. It might mean going into hospital again and I just can't do it. I can't put myself in that situation. I never asked my perp to stop when he was raping me. I can't put myself in that situation again.

My next problem. This has thrown up the fact that the woman I was having an affair with (who used to be my physio therapist), promised I would never have to go into hospital without her. But she has now decided that she want's to stay with her husband. It's such a mess, I don't know who to trust. My therapist is away for two weeks as she has had a death in the family, My parents are going on holiday and I can't even have physio therapy as she is away on a course. I was trying to be positive. I'd even started a college course to become a therapist, that just seems like a bad joke. I can't even help myself. I hate asking for help. I'm sitting here writing this crying. I feel so alone. All I've ever wanted is to feel loved marry and have children. I just wish I could go to sleep and never wake up.


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#11784 - 10/11/02 06:08 PM Re: Feeling Down
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
MarkS:

You've been deeply hurt (again) in an intimate relationship, you've had brain surgery, you can't walk, you've been sexually abused. Of course its hard for you to be positive; it would be hard for anybody. It's not just you.

I won't tell you not to be so hard on yourself, becuz I'm an expert at beating myself up. Sometimes my heart & my body hurt so bad I can hardly stand it. And of course I blame myself for it all: "Why don't I just quit doing that? Why didn't I stop the abuse?"

Becuz I couldn't--period! I know this, but I often don't feel it.

Mark, when you were being raped, you were also in the process of having brain surgery! Could you even think to say or do anything? Surely you couldn't stop the son of a bitch!

If you can't put yourself in that situation again don't, and don't let anybody pressure you into doing so. If its worth it to you to try this device, insist on doing it when one of your parents or someone you can trust can be with you. Maybe wait till you can talk to your T about it.

Mark, I can't even imagine the pain you must be going thru. Whether you ever become a therapist or not, I think your taking a college course is commendable, as are all the efforts you're making.

You have a lot of courage. You are a survivor!

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#11785 - 10/11/02 07:41 PM Re: Feeling Down
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mark
that's a big pile of crap to deal with at once, but your parents surely wont be away on holiday for long ?
And I guess from what you said to me about your motorbike drag racing you're pretty close to your dad, and I'm sure that if he knows what happened to you before in hospital he wont let you back in unless he knows you're going to be safe. He'll watch like a hawk, you'll be safe. But I realise it'll be damned hard for you.

I know we're on the same course, and we're about 4 weeks into it, and I believe that people like us who are still dealing with our problems can gain a lot. Not only the end result ( hopefully ) but the insight that we gain into ourselves that's such an essential part of becoming a counsellor. I went last night and learned a lot, mainly about me !

Never feel bad about asking for help, it's the strongest thing we do. It's sitting there afraid to ask that does the harm.

Don't be alone Mark, keep coming back.

Lloydy ;\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#11786 - 10/11/02 09:23 PM Re: Feeling Down
Mark S Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 130
Loc: England
Thanks Guys, When The weather is dark and grey and the fog is decending, you bring a peek of sunshine into the sky.

At least with every one away at the moment there is no pressure. I've managed to talk to an old girlfriend. I knew her at the time of the abuse, we were engaged, we were both 17 and she left me. We have spoken about the issues at the time. I had thought she must have know about Rapes etc. That being the reason she left, but she was just frightened she couldn't cope with my disability, so ran away. We have cleared up lots of emotions.

I had been contemplateing not going back to college in case I cry in front of them (I go Monday) but Llyody your right and it's an amazing group and I think/hope they would be supportive if I do.

Christ aren't emotions tireing. I've only been up five minutes (it's 01.20 am) here and I want to go back to bed.

Thanks again guys Mark


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#11787 - 10/12/02 09:49 AM Re: Feeling Down
Mark S Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 130
Loc: England
I can't cope withthis anymore. I've tried to contact my ex, she says she did love me I'm so confused, so scared. I feel so vulnerable I don't know who to trust. I don't know if I can go on.


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#11788 - 10/12/02 06:33 PM Re: Feeling Down
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mark
private message

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#11789 - 10/12/02 11:04 PM Re: Feeling Down
Mark S Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 130
Loc: England
I've managed to track down my therapist. and I've sent Lloydy a private message. Thanks


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