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#1174 - 01/12/04 08:04 PM Fat as Insulation
Kurt Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/29/03
Posts: 42
Loc: New England
Hey, Everyone:

Has anyone out there gone through a physical transformation as a result of dealing with their SA? In the past week I had an insight during a counseling session in which my counselor was mentioning things that people use as insulators from the outside world (due to SA, or other traumas). Body fat came up as one, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Since the first time my SA came to light (ten years ago), was almost immediately buried again, and then resurfaced in the past few months, I have put on nearly 70 pounds. I have gone from an athletic and reasonably attractive guy to someone I was genuinely sorry to face in the mirror on New Years Day.

I have a wonderful wife, who aside from being understanding and compassionate, is physically beautiful, and I feel terrible to be the fat dude married to the hot chick. She deserves better, I think. Heck, I deserve better. I don't want to die early!

Has anyone gone through this? Has anyone overcome the need for an insulator? I really, REALLY hope so.

Rock on, brethren.

Kurt

_________________________
Kurt

================
"Looking good, Billy Ray!"
"Feeling good, Lewis!"

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#1175 - 01/12/04 08:32 PM Re: Fat as Insulation
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Kurt,

I ballooned up after the CSA 'til I was almost 270# when I was 18-19. I think that at the time I thought that there was something about me that attracted the abuse so I made sure that I was not. After a whole lot of years I've recently lost quite a bit of weight (not the way I'd want to) but I'm at ~180# now and really feel good about myself. Sometimes I miss the 'insulation' but I'll just put on a heavy sweater.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#1176 - 01/13/04 11:49 AM Re: Fat as Insulation
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I have not had that occur. I have been an athlete, and work now as a coach, so always remain in okay physical condition. But I used to be heavier, and I still feel fat, still see myself fat. I am not sure what I use as 'insulation', other then just turning myself off of people mentally. I am sure that there are other kinds of things people do to insulate themselves also.

leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#1177 - 01/13/04 05:25 PM Re: Fat as Insulation
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Kurt at 16 when I experienced SA I was in terrific shape. Looking back that is probably what they were looking for. Then as a hustler at 17/18-19 I was in really good shape and could charge the highest rates. Additionally I catered to the really sickos so that influenced the rate too. Afterwards I hid that body by being terribly overweight or terribly skinny. I never wanted that body, that got me in so much trouble, back. My self worth was non existant.

Last January I said screw it. I want my body back . Ime 63 . Well I have take my body fat content to 10% and have a 6 pack back. It will never be that 18 year old body but I am really pleased with it. I also have gained a hell of a lot of self respect and sense of self worth. It has been a great year for me. Not only because of the above but I also found MS at the same time. I just wanted to take back what was mine.

P.S. I have been married for 36 years and my little french canadian wife was a drop dead knockout. Still is in my eyes.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#1178 - 01/13/04 06:53 PM Re: Fat as Insulation
ecb Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/04/03
Posts: 205
I am a large guy myself, 6'1", 250 lbs and rather burly. I am heavier than I should be but pretty strong and intimidating at times, which I find comforting. If I am big and burly, and folks around me know that I'm strong they will be less likely to screw with me. It makes me feel safer.

I don't, purposely try to be big though. I don't eat a lot (though I do eat badly I suppose). I didn't gain a lot of weight when I started dealing with my SA or anything, but given my past I'm sure the comfort I feel from being big is connected.

Hopefully this has helped Kurt.

-Eric


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