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#110 - 08/15/01 03:14 PM Re: strength......need advice
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
I think I "get" what the therapist meant about "just feelings" because feelings are temporary. But many of the decisions we make based on those feelings have a lasting effect on our lives.

The feelings we've had are a defense mechanism, and at one time, they were a good indicator that something bad was coming (whether or not we were able to do anything about it).

But if those feelings of distrust, are coming when we are with our significant other, or someone for whom trust SHOULDN'T be an issue, then the usefulness has worn off.

These feelings are here because they helped once. If they are no longer helping us, then we have to work it out, so that we don't get those feelings in inappropriate times. They now get in the way of healthy ways of being.

So keep doing your therapy, keep sharing here or with trusted friends, find constructive ways to express your pain, instead of destructive ones.

Dangit, I have to go now. I think I hit most of the main points, but there were a few more lingering thoughts here.

Take care, all.

J
We're in this together.

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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#111 - 08/15/01 05:04 PM Re: strength......need advice
getteddie Offline
Member

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md
everyone,
i don't know about theses feelings not hurting anyone. in my hood it killed 7 out of 10 that were sa. i have flashbacks that are very painfull, sometimes i can't eat for days afterwards...just like not being able to eat for days after being raped when i was 12. the pain is very real...ask anyone who is flashing.

eddie


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#112 - 08/17/01 08:58 AM Re: strength......need advice
michaelb Offline
Member

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
JUST WANTED TO LET PEOPLE KNOW THAT I DID NOT SWALLOW THE PILLS AND WAS ADMITTED TO THE HOSPITAL FOR A COUPLE OF WEEKS....THEY CHANGED MY ANTI-DEPRESSANTS AND I'M FEELING BETTER.....i still think about suicide, but i realize it is not the only answer....it may be the ultimate answer for me, but it is not the only answer right now.....i've also returned to therapy....we'll see how it goes......michael


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#113 - 08/17/01 01:20 PM Re: strength......need advice
SoCalJohn Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor


Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California
michael,

thanks for letting us know, i have been worried about you, i hope thinsg start smoothing out for you real soon, dude, you got friends here, ok? you can talk to us, ok?

John

_________________________
I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

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#114 - 08/19/01 01:16 PM Re: strength......need advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


Hi. I want to clarify my earlier post about feelings. I apologize if I was not clear.

I did not mean to imply that the feelings are not REAL. They, are, indeed. The pain is excruciating, the fear terrifying, etc. I have experienced it, I've had the flashbacks and still do from time to time, I've spent hours and hours weeping or panicing or wanting to hide in a whole because of deep pain, fear and shame, etc. I never meant to imply that the feelings are not real.

What helps me is to remember that feelings need not be life-threatening, and that I CAN feel the feelings and still be OK, in the end. The pain actually subsides, over time, as I allow myself to feel it and process it. So does the fear and shame and all the other very powerful, very REAL feelings.

YES, the feelings are ABSOLUTELY REAL. The difference for me today is that NOW, I CAN ACTUALLY CHOOSE WHAT TO DO ABOUT THEM. I have some choices about how I respond to my feelings and what actions I take. I had no such choices when I was being abused.

It is not the feelings that are killing people. Rather, what kills many survivors is the choice to kill oneself, in one way or another, as a response to the feelings. Many survivors just can't find their way out of the sometimes overwhelming pain and shame and fear, etc. It is not their fault, just a horrible tragedy.

I realize this may sound harsh, but I believe it is the truth...at least it certainly is for me. My feelings cannot kill me. Only my response to them has the potential to kill me. For example, I can choose to bottle up my feelings instead of feeling and expressing them, and then letting them go, and that can affect my heart and blood pressure and lead to my death. I can choose to have compulsive and unsafe sex with lots of people and then die of AIDS. I can choose to buy a gun and shoot myself so that I no longer have to feel the pain, etc. These are all response over which I DO have a choice, even though sometimes the feelings cam be so powerful that I am unable to see that I have a choice or to make a more healthy choice.

I am not blaming or judging people for their choice to commit suicide...lord knows, i have often wished that I would get sick and die so that it would all be over -- the feelings, the loneliness, etc... I feel deep sadness and sympathy for those who choose death over life, because I know that they just could not see or get past the powerful and often overwhelming feelings, and because I mourn the tragic loss of a precious human being. It is terribly tragic that our abusers left such deep wounds that for some survivors, the only way out seems to them to be death.

JUST CALL ME J: Thanks for your comments. I learned the same thing in my recovery, and remembering it is really helpful! Trying to develop new responses that work for me today is a critical part of my healing and recovery...thanks again!

Again, I apologize if I upset anyone by being unclear. I hope this clarifies my meaning. If someone still disagrees, that's cool. I can only share my own experience, strength and hope and what has worked for me. There are certainly many, many paths to healing and recovery. The key is to find what works for you.

Thanks all!

LanceC

[ August 19, 2001: Message edited by: LanceC ]


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#115 - 08/19/01 01:27 PM Re: strength......need advice
Anonymous
Unregistered


MichaelB: I am really glad that you are back in therapy, are doing better with your meds, and still with us. Please keep in touch here and via email. I am with you, buddy.

LanceC


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#116 - 08/19/01 01:50 PM Re: strength......need advice
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1306
Loc: Northern Ohio
LanceC, Thnks for your post. I understand now. Very well put. ;\)
BL

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#117 - 08/20/01 01:34 PM Re: strength......need advice
Just Call me J Offline
Member

Registered: 07/14/01
Posts: 204
Loc: Inland Empire, California
Lance: I find it funny that YOU are thanking ME! I thought I was just restating your own ideas. Heh heh heh! You did a beautiful job of clarifying what you meant. Thank YOU.

Now, those "lingering thougthts" I mentioned before. I've mentioned elsewhere that I've suffered a lot of loss in the last 5 years (it used to be only 3 years; I forget how time moves on...).

The event that started it all, was when my 18 year old cousin committed suicide Thanksgiving weekend in 1996. 6 weeks after, my grandfather died, and several people (5 or 6 others, at least) who were in varying cicles of influence around me also died over the next year. I eventually had to shut out the feelings of loss, because it became too much.

Dealing with my cousin had to come first, and the reactions in my family covered the gamut. My mom was very angry with Daniel, at his "selfishness" for taking himself from the rest of the family. I could not muster up any anger towards my cousin. The only feeling I was left with, was a great sadness for how it must have been for him, when he thought that killing himself was the only way left to deal with his pain.

I had not gotten to know him very well, in the time that he was maturing, in high school. I was off at college, doing my own thing, while he grew from a child to a young man. I felt severe loss at his death, but it couldn't really have been for the loss of our relationship. It seemed to be a "loss of innocence" for my family (this was the side of the family that WASN'T marred by decades of abuse, btw). I saw the way the pain, slowly and quietly, ripped my various family members apart on the inside. I always saw the brave faces of my uncle and aunt, knowing how the emotions must be churning inside. I worried for my other cousin (Daniel's brother) since he had gone through rehab just the previous year. I watched as I spoke to my dad about MY feelings, I saw my dad's lip quiver like he was about to cry; when I hugged him, it was clear that dad wanted the hug over with as soon as possible. He was not going to deal with his pain around me; he was going to hold it in.

OK, now that I've depressed everyone, what is my point? The grieving process is similar, no matter if you're grieving the death of a loved one, a divorce, or the loss of your childhood from SA. All the feelings you feel are normal, and they make sense. We're not crazy! But we have to actually face up to our feelings, dwell in them for awhile, but ultimately recognize that these feelings last only for the duration we feel them; they are not a permanent state.

Eventually, we will feel new feelings, and believe it or not (and yes, it may take a long time to get to this point), JOY IS POSSIBLE AGAIN!!!

So the most important part of these feelings is HOW WE RESPOND to them, not THAT we feel them. The intensity of them tells us how important they are to deal with.

For awhile before my current job with little kids, I worked with teens in a group home. I met some very bright kids, who were also suicidal. Maybe not acutely suicidal (though I had my share of dealing with those); but the ones that thought about it for days, weeks, years. One remarkable kid had to go through dialysis for the last several years, but you could see the weariness in him. He had this impishness to him that probably kept him going; as long as he could fuck with people, he had some joy. I've lost touch with him; I hope he started taking the classes on Computer Animation he talked about. If I ever get word that he actually killed himself (or even that his body finally gave up on him) I know I will be grieving for him.

We all have people that love us. Look around here at the other posters to this forum. I could be selfish, and say that I don't want to feel the pain of losing any of you, but I don't have control over that.

I want everyone here to be able to heal from the pain inflicted upon them by others. I want everyone here to get their revenge by a life well lived. I want everyone here to be a part of ending the cycles of abuse that included us. I want everyone here to take the lessons they've learned by living through hell, and making the world a better place through your wisdom.

Oh yeah, and I also want a million dollars!

Since all this is out of my hands though, I'll just have to continue to live the best life I can, and do MY part to do the things I mentioned above.

J
We're in this together.

_________________________
We're in this together. - Nine Inch Nails

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