it's just me again. is it possible to post a reply to your own listing on the board. well, i think i am doing it.
ok, i am sorry to say i am struggling today. i do not want to get on this board and just list downness or down thoughts/moods. but, that is where i am right now. i remember my Dr. saying that my dysthmic disorder causes me to often feel a bit depressed so i think mild depression is like my base emotion. the place where i often find myself.
I'm just not doing well. i once again had a suicidal thought earlier. i was bathing and it came to me. i am in a lot of pain these days for a number of reasons. 1. i am unemployed 2. i have no friends 3. i will turn 40 in less than 1 month 4. i have no partner in my life 5. i could go on.
BUT, i also have important things to be grateful for, thank God. i am alive, still young, intelligent, caring, compassionate, honest, educated, loved. yes, i have much to be grateful for. i must remember to look at the half full glass that is my life and see all the possibilities, not the imposs.. this is the only way my God wants me to be. to think of the positive, not the negative. thanks, Lord.
something else i want to share is today marks one year to the day since the last time i rented and masturbated to pornography. i have relied on porn for almost 20 years. like i said in my earlier post i have never been able to trust enough to be intimate/have sex. i am a 39 year old virgin. it really hurts to say that but, it is true. i don't want to lie on this board. instead i'll write the truth. who knows, maybe it will set me free.
so, why did i stop getting porn? to avoid the costs: financial & emotional and my psychologist encouraged me to stop. so some time ago i started to really question my use of porn. i found that often after i was finished with it i would sink into a lot of hurt and pain. i would feel real lonely and disappointed and wonder if viewing porn was the closest i would ever come to real intimacy. but, at the same time i really miss the rush, the escape from my emptiness that i seemed to get from porn.
i own about 8 porn tapes and during the last year i have viewed them and masturbated many times. i can't say that i have not viewed porn in 12 months but i have not rented "fresh" porn in that long. when was my last orgasm? i can't remember. i havn't orgasmed or viewed any porn in weeks. months? i do not know.
i get strong urges. earlier today i had an urge to go rent porn. but, i didn't. sometimes i ask myself "why? why have we not returned to it? eventually we may have to." well, i am not ready to give in just yet. who knows, i may give in tonight. i really do not know. i guess i am just tired of it for now.
so what now? i know i have a lot i need to deal with. running away from a bad situation can never help it. i know this. i have ran away many times in my life but, i am doing my best to not run away today. and for this, i am truly grateful. thank you Lord.
men, i've said enough for now. i'm really glad this board and this site exists. thanks to everyone who will read this. may we all do our best to live the healthiest, fullest lives we can. we all deserve nothing less. God bless.