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#11253 - 04/27/03 04:21 AM New to Male Survivor
Roy Riverton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/27/03
Posts: 2
Loc: Oregon
Hi Guys,
I'm new to male survivor. I thought I would tell you a little about myself and then talk about the reason I am posting this message. My name is Roy Riverton and I am 47 years old. I grew up without a father's love in my life and during my early childhood I was sexually abused by my mother, her boy friend and my uncle. When I was 15 I was molested by a friend of the family whom I had reached out to--to be a father to me and to help me understand why I have homosexual feelings.

All of my life I have struggled with self image and sexual identity problems and all the other problems caused by sex abuse. I have always felt compelled to physically compare myself to other men--espcially older men--the father that I never had. Even when I see a man who's genitals are small like mine I don't feel any better about myself.

Last night I had a dream and that is what I want to talk about and get a response from anyone who cares to respond.

I have known a man for about 5 years who is kind and fatherly and has befriended me in a casual way. A couple of years ago he rejected me because of "my problem" with homosexual feelings. My dream was about him.

I dreamed that I was standing next to him and I was naked and my penis was erect. He was saying things to me to try and help me feel that by looks and appearance my penis was just like any other man. I asked him to show me his which he did. In this dream I felt so low and desperate because I wanted his love and acceptance. Then I consciously began to feel depressed because I realized that this was only a dream. I have been reflecting on this dream quite a bit today. I have wondered, Is that how I feel about myself deep inside? Do I still feel that low and depressed and desperate for love and acceptance?

I have struggled so hard through out my life trying to over come the abuse of my child hood and to find some sense of my masculinity. There is always an empty feeling inside of me--longing for a father's love and acceptance. Where can I find it?

Thanks for listening.

Roy Riverton [/LIST]

_________________________
Roy Riverton

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#11254 - 04/27/03 12:20 PM Re: New to Male Survivor
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Roy welcome brother.

I am truly sad for the reasons you have found us but am glad you are here among us to start the journey to healing.

I feel the pain from you because of you story. A story that is repeated over and over by us all.
It is a horror that not one of us deserved or wanted. And none of it was our fault.

Quote:
I have struggled so hard through out my life trying to over come the abuse of my child hood and to find some sense of my masculinity. There is always an empty feeling inside of me--longing for a father's love and acceptance. Where can I find it?
When the abuse occured it attacked your humanity and sense of self worth. All you wanted was nurturing love that is a right of every child. Instead you were used, abused and discarded.

Roy, Masculinity has nothing to do with sexual orientation believe me. Masculinity is I think the ability to share lifes experiences with others, be kind and strong for those in need, respect those you choose to respect, do the best you can and finally to accept yourself for who you are inside and not how you perceive other people perceiving you. You are the key ingredient and here you will find a strong and supportive brotherhood of all sexual persuasions. You are no longer alone. So read, post, join the chat and heal with us brother wolf.

There are some brother wolves here who have a great deal of strength and insight into SA. I would name them but they are very modest smile.

You will see their posts and you will know them as we all do.

Now the last "Where will I find a father's love"
Roy you will find it here. Any of us are willing to give you what it is you are seeking. What it is is love without expectation and that is what is here is in abundance. And as you realize it you will also find somewhere a father figure of your own that will take on the role willingly as a mentor and confidant and a person who will watch as you reignite that love of self within you.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#11255 - 04/27/03 04:27 PM Re: New to Male Survivor
RJD Offline
Member

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 326
Loc: jefferson City, Mo,usa
Welcom Roy,
I don't know what I could add to mike's response so I'll just add my 'voice' to say welcome. ---RJD


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#11256 - 04/27/03 06:04 PM Re: New to Male Survivor
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Roy,

Welcome to the brotherhood of the wolfpack of Male Survivors. You are in the pack & not a lone wolf, fellow survivor. Here we support & take care
of & protect one another.

As Mike so wisely said, "Roy, masculinity has nothing to do with sexual orientation believe me"

You can have positive & healthy relationships with men, even one that does not necessarily involve sex, whatever your sexual orientation.

Quote:
My name is Roy Riverton and I am 47 years old. I grew up without a father's love in my life and during my early childhood I was sexually abused by my mother, her boy friend and my uncle. When I was 15 I was molested by a friend of the family whom I had reached out to--to be a father to me and to help me understand why I have homosexual feelings.
Roy I'm 46 and also grew up w/o a father's love. My mother left him when I was 3 or 4 but during those years he was physically & sexually abusive.
But my mother was my primary perp, who also later involved a boyfriend in incesting me.

**************Could be triggering*****************

When I was older, 11, she sold me to a gay couple--who were supposed to be my friends as well as hers--to be taken to their apartment & raped. I believe this was part of her attempt to make me homosexual as she was highly jealous of other women or girls; I was her surrogate husband. As I got older she also took me to nudist colonies & told me to look at the men; she also had me watch her have sex with men, and at times had me join in
as with the boyfriend. This in spite of the fact I had no homosexual feelings or tendencies; tho after the rape I did struggle with it briefly.

**************End Trigger Warning****************

Still, this got me really hung up about having any
kind of close relationships with men, along with the societal view, still common even now, that men
who had close friendships with other men were gay.

It's not a question of whether or not it was right
or wrong to be gay. It was a question of whether it was right or wrong for me to be gay. It was clearly wrong, becuz I clearly was not.

But now I struggled even more to have a healthy relationship with a man. It was bad enuf already due to the usual absence & abusiveness when present of my father & of virtually every man who quickly passed thru my childhood life.

Quote:
All of my life I have struggled with self image and sexual identity problems and all the other problems caused by sex abuse. I have always felt compelled to physically compare myself to other men--espcially older men--the father that I never had. Even when I see a man who's genitals are small like mine I don't feel any better about myself.
Ron I too have struggled mightily with sexual identity issues, and they have messed up my relationships not only with men in general, but also with women in general.

I would also physically compare myself with, and compete with, other boys/men. This was an ongoing
challenge becuz I was not the strongest guy around
& had not learned much about fighting, sports or
"man" stuff becuz men weren't around & I was raised by my mother & other domineering women.

My way of trying to prove my manhood became obsessive efforts to "get" as many girls/women as I could. This was to be a "double bonus": first, prove I'm more of a man than the men who abuse or neglected me in childhood & who think they are better than me now, by getting more women than them; second, get back & control women sexually, as a way of "showing" women I'm a man & in control
& getting back at my mother & other abusive domineering women of my childhood, as well as those who think they are too good for me now.

Well, even when I did "get" women I didn't feel any more like a man. I ended up, actually quite young, addicted to sex, an obsessive compulsive user of FPM (Fantasy Porn Masturbation)--which I still struggle with some to this day.

I really started working on my problem with women
when I got married to my current wife of 23 years.
This has been a happy marriage, tho we've had our times & I still struggle with intimacy, more emotionally than sexually, but both; they go together for me anyway.

Really tho, in spite of my hatred of females, I always got along with them better than men. Probably just becuz I was around them more & more comfortable/familiar with them.

Overcoming my hatred of & insecurities with men has been a lot harder, and only very recently am I starting to plow some tough ground of progress in this area. I've long been either too much in competition with men or mistrusting of them to get close to any.

Yes a father or any positive older masculine figure was/is missing from my life. Also just plain masculine friendship & support has been missing as well. Brotherly love, of which there have been only sporadic traces thru the years.

This has been painful for me, as thru the years I've become more & more convinced that close bonds
of friendship, support, accountability & intimacy
with other men is important. Just as such relationships with women are important. But it has been so hard to reach out, to trust.

Yet several months ago a fellow male survivor with whom I shared a lot of common problems & interests reached out to me. I was able to reach back, and we have become close friends, the brothers to each other we never had, and positive
male role models in a positive male relationship.

This has been a test & sometimes scary for both of us. High risk, but high reward.

Men need to have healthy intimate and I think not necessarily always sexual relationships with other men, as women do with other women.

Until recently this was part of the social fabric of our society (USA) as it still is in many parts
of the world. The more women & men have becuz of economic competition & social hangups taken time for intimacy of some sort only with those of the opposite sex, the more they have not done well having that kind of intimacy either.

Women, as wonderful as my wife & daughters & a couple of good female friends are, cannot fulfill all my needs or stretch me to my fullest & best. This requires, for me, intimacy with men as well.

I am glad to have such a friend now. It is inspiring me to try to renew some such
friendships that I'd had to a degree in recent years but lost touch with, probably becuz it was easy to excuse doing so with my lack of trust.

It is also improving my relationships with women especially my wife as it lowers my expectations & demands on her.

Well, Roy, sorry to ramble so much in the ear of one so new here! I hope this sharing of my ESH (Experience Strength Hope) will be of some help to you.

I do believe you can find fatherly & brotherly bonds of love here, Ron. Just take your time, take it easy on yourself & take care of yourself.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#11257 - 04/28/03 03:08 AM Re: New to Male Survivor
RickL Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/16/02
Posts: 84
Loc: Oregon
Welcome, Roy!

I can relate to a lot of what you say here.

I have a father, but he was my abuser when I was little. He was alcoholic and the abuse was emotional, physical and some sexual. So with occasional exceptions, I have mostly felt like I too have grown up without a father's love.

I also have 4 sisters, so by default, it was like I was one of them. I was married for 13 years, but now divorced. I too have struggled with sexual confusion issues, but am making lots of progress in seeing my manhood with more clarity.

Quote:
All of my life I have struggled with self image and sexual identity problems and all the other problems caused by sex abuse. I have always felt compelled to physically compare myself to other men--espcially older men--the father that I never had. Even when I see a man who's genitals are small like mine I don't feel any better about myself.
Roy, my dad fondled me in the bathtub when I was little, under the guise of "washing" me. It happened regularly. I have always thought that my genitals were small--I think because being made sensually aware of them at that young age. For example, the public pool here has a men's locker room with no privacy. When showering or changing, I can still feel like that 4 year old--with the genitals of a 4 year old, amidst all of these grown men. It's distorted reality, and I'm making good progress getting over it. But I understand the feeling you describe. (btw--ever notice how the "well endowed" guys tend to strut in these kinds of locker rooms?)

I'm learning to appreciate my body now. It's masculine enough. It's proportional. It's just right. And it's a crime that our abuse caused us to see our bodies in such a distorted way.

About your dream--I believe it was the "adult" Roy letting little Roy know that his penis is just right--just like other men. And that you, as an adult, are able to bestow full love and acceptance to little Roy. But then, the trap of comparison crowded in and brought in the old "less-than" fears. Roy, I believe the first part of your dream holds healing for you.

Roy, I notice that you live in Oregon too. There are 2 SIA meetings in this state. (Survivors of Incest, anonymous) One is in Portland, the other in Bend. You can private message me if you'd like more info on these.

Take care,

Rick


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#11258 - 04/28/03 09:39 AM Re: New to Male Survivor
JamesMichael Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
Roy,

Welcome to MaleSurvivor. You will find real comraderie here. Last summer I read Richard Gartner's book, "Betrayed as Boys." It really helped me to put into perspective issues of masulinity and identity. Unlike men who've not been sexually abused and who later need to get in touch with their "feminine side," male survivors face the challenge of rescuing their masculinity from the clutches of their perpetrators. (My words). It's been a long, difficult, (but rewarding) journey for me too.

Peace, JM


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#11259 - 04/28/03 09:53 AM Re: New to Male Survivor
JamesMichael Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/24/02
Posts: 134
Vic,

I want to add how much I enjoyed your post here too. Really on the money. I find myself here.

JM


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#11260 - 04/28/03 09:30 PM Re: New to Male Survivor
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Rick:

Good insight about Roy's dream.

JM:

Thanks; I'm grateful if it helps at all. Appreciate the insight from Richard's book.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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