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#11214 - 10/08/02 05:10 AM gender confusion
Broken Offline
Member

Registered: 03/25/01
Posts: 273
Loc: Huntingtun Beach, CA, US
i thought id never see so many men coming out about abuse by women. I hope by talking about what happened to me i had something to do with that.

This is an extremely uncomfortable topic, but i hope i am not alone here. I have compulsions and fantasies involving being dressed and raped as a woman. I am pretty sure i am a heterosexual, everything works normal until i get aroused, then i feel extremely nervous and inadequete. I have a very hard time trying to feel normal sexually. I feel like everybody can feel inside me and knows that i think about these fantasies and they are who i REALLY am. Which pisses me off, because i know that is not me, but feelings are feelings.

I can figure out some of it, but i am missing the link between how specific these cumpulsions are and the feelings they produce, and how they relate to what i have been through. I think there are things that happened to me i cant remember. The pull this has on me is overwhelming, i feel like an infant when i try to stop myself. It is like i have no control over what i do. I know i have to let go of the image i have in my mind of my mother, but i just can not seem to let it go. She is so god damn squeaky fucking clean! Its like you wake up one day and realize the world has been conspiring to turn you into a scapegoat for a child molester. This sacred, untouchable creature you have been forced to protect all these years is a horrifying person, and i have just been blind to how bad she really is. And i cant stop protecting her! It is like those horror stories you hear about cold war mental conditioning, turning the subject into a set of programmed responses. I feel like a test animal. It make me want to pound my head against the wall! It makes me want to believe in people who say that cults use mind control to molest children. If pavlovian torture can be called mind control, then i am defintely suffering from its effects, even if i dont know if there was a source that is tangeable.

Im tired, so im gonna go. Take care.


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#11216 - 10/08/02 02:16 PM Re: gender confusion
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Broken
I was never abused by women, but all contact I had with them was remote and cool. there was only my mother really, and once at boarding school she was out of my life.
but importantly to me she never protected me, I still feel let down by my parents, my mother more than my father for some reason.

Perhaps for this reason I also went down the line of fantasy that saw me humiliated in any way my fevered imagination could think of,( but on my terms - however that would work ? ) but it always ending up with me giving a blow job
When I acted out it was what I looked for and dreamt of, I x dressed and hung around horrid toilets.
I had NO self respect whatsoever, and I must have thought I didn't deserve any either. The worse my degradation the better I imagined I felt. I should add that to the list of Lies !!

A constant theme in my fantasy was " I want to do what sluts do so I must act like one" - and although I wasn't a complete TV, I'm 6ft 1in and have a beard so it wasnt an option really - I just used womens underwear as another thing to degrade myself.

At the time I think I hated women as much as my abusers, they are always portrayed as the carers, but they failed me, I wanted sex with men - and the "sluts" out there could get it when they wanted. What a distorted view ? but it was all I had at the time.

I know for certain I'm heterosexual now, and I also realise the full effects our abuse has on our self esteem, and how we degrade ourselves because we think we're shit anyway.

We aren't though, we're that person who stares back from the mirror, the strong one who knows something is wrong and has done something, anything, to start easing the pain.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#11217 - 10/09/02 05:57 PM Re: gender confusion
Sean Simms Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 90
Loc: Seattle
Hello, I've always had a fantasy where I'm a woman having sex with a man. I am bisexual but definently more heterosexual than gay. I don't understand it but it always happens when I masturbate even if I have a girl in mind. I have a feeling that it's because I feel so weak around women when their attracted to me. I feel scared and I don't no what to do. So my realtionships have always involved a woman who can take control. I always feel powerless in some way. I think this has to do with being molested by my mother.

_________________________
"When you are Real you can't be ugly. People who think you are ugly just don't understand."
-the Velveteen Rabbit

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#11218 - 10/09/02 07:37 PM Re: gender confusion
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sean
I think a lot of it is the insecurity and low self esteem we're driven to by our abuse.

We don't believe we can do anything well, achieve anything. We believe that everyone thinks were just hopeless and lazy.
The truth is we aren't, our abuse just leads us to believe that and we live that way. I did for over 30 years. I didn't try so I didn't achieve anything that I now know I could have done.
My only achievement was to stay married - 28 years so far - but it's had it's moments where we've both been so close to walking out.
Luckily she's a very strong woman, the type to take control, but she's always been able to use that ability in the best way.
Now we work as equals, or at least I'm trying to learn to work as an equal. But 30+ years is a hard lesson to shift.

It's our pasts that have made us weak, and as we recover we get stronger in our relationships with others. Although it has to be said that some relationships don't survive the change, because we can change very dramatically and we're no longer the person we were.

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#11219 - 10/10/02 03:38 AM Re: gender confusion
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
Hey Broken,

I used to feel really nervous and conflicted around women. When I was in fourth grade somebody (probably my perp) left a milk crate of of pornographic magazines where my brothers and I could find them. Way before women were my peers I thought of them as sex objects only. In the summer between 5th and 6th grade, he taught me to masturbate compulsively. Since he had me convinced it would only work in the street in front of my house, I had a lot of horrible feelings connected with arousal.

I dont know why but at one point out of frustration I decided I was going to think of women I was attracted to as friends only as if there was no possibility of sex. It didn't take long after that before I was able to complete a sentence in front of one, then a conversation, then a whole evening. Once they know you well enough they will know that the problem is sexual only and that you do not feel nervous and inadequate 24/7.

I thought I was totally inadequate before I actually had sex, then I found out that I was much better at it then all my wife's friends husbands (although she never told them that).

I thought of a memory from when I was transitioning between thinking of women totally as sex objects and thinking of them in a normal way which I do now.

Its triggering but it has a happy ending.

I call this memory Don Juan of NOMSV:

Once I went on a date with a beautiful girl and I had such bad anxiety attacks I barely could speak to her. We went back to her dorm room and I was waiting for her give me that look and tell me to get lost, which was the norm, but instead she came out of the bathroom in seethrough nighty.

I had no idea what to do with a girl and I had such bad anxiety and conflicting feelings I couldn't calm down and I was borderline panting. I grabbed her really hard (way too hard) and gave her the most awkward kiss ever recorded. A big line of saliva was between my lips and hers after I kissed her, and we both recoiled. I almost broke all of our teeth, hers and mine. I felt my secret was out and she knew there was something wrong with me so I rolled over in shame, buried my face in the pillow until it hurt and told her I just couldn't do this because I was too tired and I needed to take a nap. It was about 9:30 pm.

The last time I tried to kiss a girl was at the senior prom. The same thing happened. I ran out of the car and she burned rubber as she drove away. That was my first real date.

We were laying on a twin dorm bed so she put her breasts on my back and my heart was pounding so hard, she pointed it out. With my head still buried in the pillow in shame I told her that it always did that and she let out one of those clicking noises of disgust and said she was going to sleep.

She was so beautiful I kept thinking there was something wrong with her for going out with me anyway. She looked exactly like John Travolta's wife Kelly Preston, I mean exactly, blond hair, same body and everything, d cup breasts, 18 years old, college freshman. So I layed there with a hard on that almost ripped the skin because I felt too self conscious to adjust my penis or put my hands anyway near it in front of a girl. I just pretended to be asleep. She said is anything going to happen or what!? I just burried my head in the pillow and tried to roll over a little bit so she could see that I had a hard on. Like a little kid with his hands over his face showing his mommy he wet his pants, but that was all I could do. I know she didn't see, I couldn't roll over far enough to show her. I "knew" there was something wrong with my penis so I was afraid to let her see it, even through my underwear.

So I layed there with a hard on ripping the skin all night awake because I couldn't even touch it while she was asleep.

Trying to calm down, trying to stop panting, trying to get a grip. Trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Wondering how I could ever have sex if I couldn't with her. Trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Its just an anxiety attack, breath through your nose, it only lasts 15 minutes at a time.

I was still in love with a girl I met when I was 13, that is the reason. Maybe I have a thyroid imbalance that is the reason. There has got to be something wrong with her, that is the reason, I just have to figure out what it is. Maybe she is a filthy slut who has AIDS and blows guys for 20 bucks, thats why she is willing to sleep with me. Maybe she just thinks I'm rich and I can't bring myself to do something so shallow, that is the reason. I wonder how many guys she's had sex with? I wonder how many guys the girl I fell in love with when I was 13 has had sex with by now? Why doesn't she love me anymore? I can't do this with anyone but her, thats the reason.

What is going to happen when the sun comes up? She is going to give my that look they all give me. Whats wrong with you? How many people have said that to you? She is the prettiest girl in her sorrority, what is wrong with you? Who cares if this is a mistake? Its a mistake in your favor. Its like when they accidentally deposit thousands of dollars in your bank account. Don't tell her. There is something wrong with her, its her problem. Next month your going to be 24. 24 years old.

Your a faggot. How many times have you heard that? How could so many people think that if it isn't true? She's going to tell all your friends your a faggot. They are all going to give me that look and turn their heads and look at each other. She already knows there is something wrong with you. If your not a faggot why are you so preoccupied with faggots? Why do you think all guys are faggots? Whats the connection between you and faggots? Why can't you have sex with her?

Tracey doesn't love you anymore. Its over, get over her you asshole. She threw her self at you for 4 years and you did nothing, so take your medicine asshole. We get what we deserve. Move on. She moved on a long time ago. I wonder what she's doing right now. I wonder where she is. You've been laying on your left side since 9:30 pm and now its getting light outside. Don't breath too hard because the anxiety will start. Oh no, here it comes, thats what you get for trying to roll over. Breath through your nose, it only lasts 15 minutes.

Its about 10 am, she has been asking you if you were awake every twenty minutes since 8. You are still on your left side. If I could only get that feeling to go away for fifteen minutes I could talk to her. But what would I tell her, I don't know whats wrong with me. Why is this happening to me. I had to sit up since she climbed over me. How am I going to pretend I am asleep now. I feel like I have been having a heart attack for the last fourteen hours. "Is something going to happen, or am I going to my sorrority meeting!" She's yelling at me now. Why do I have to take the blame for this, what did I do wrong? "Well!" Maybe it is her fault, if I turn my head like she did something wrong, maybe she wont blame me. There I did it. She stormed out of the room. I left while she was still in the bathroom.

It was a three hour drive home from her college. I passed the time by thinking of ways to kill my self. That was 13 years ago. I met my wife the next day. We have been together since, and I found out there is nothing wrong with me, and she says I'm better than all of her friend's husbands at sex, and she gives me details, she proved it to me. I'm not bragging, I just want to tell you there is hope and you might meet your wife tommorow.

Les_Angry


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