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#11133 - 09/10/03 11:45 AM sexual abuse
trebor Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/10/03
Posts: 5
Loc: new england
At about age 13 or 14 I was taken advantage of by a friend into giving him a blowjob while I was inebrated. He was also 3 sheets to the wind. It has been a vivid image in my past and one I am not to proud of now. I am a 43y.o male going through a divorce where complications from sexual issues roared its ugly head. My question, was I sexually abused.

_________________________
trebor

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#11134 - 09/10/03 12:10 PM Re: sexual abuse
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2258
Loc: Maryland USA
trebor,

Quote:
I was taken advantage of
Sounds like it to me. What do you think? That's what really matters.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#11135 - 09/10/03 01:10 PM Re: sexual abuse
trebor Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/10/03
Posts: 5
Loc: new england
I think I was, but having difficult time coming to grips with it. I believe there was neglect also from parents as my mother fought with alcoholism and subsequently died from its effects. I am going through a lot now with divorce and everything else that goes along with that. So I am quite confused and lost.

_________________________
trebor

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#11136 - 09/10/03 01:57 PM Re: sexual abuse
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2258
Loc: Maryland USA
Trebor,

You have a lot to handle right now. If you have disclosed any of your suspicions to someone and feel that you can trust them, please stay in touch with them for your own sake.

Have you considered therapy? There are lists of therapists available from the main page here at MaleSurvivor. You can search by geography for someone close to you. Also check the article A Consumer\'s Guide to Therapist Shopping from one of our board members, Ken Singer

Rainn.org maintains lists of counseling centers across the country. That list helped me find the local Crisis Intervention Center.

Your post count shows that you haven't written much here. If you haven't read much yet either, let me encourage you to look at the discussions. Go back to the articles, read the posts, and post your own questions, rants, expressions. I have a hunch you may get some more responses if this were in the "Male Survivors" section instead of Chat and Discussion. Maybe one of the mods can move it over there. I think more guys will see it there and respond to you that way.

Remember that you are not alone. There are a lot of guys here that suffered when we were taken advantage of, and continued to suffer for a long time, in some cases an extremely long time. But getting better starts with facing the past and acknowledging its effects. Congratulations, I think you're doing that.

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#11137 - 09/10/03 05:53 PM Re: sexual abuse
trebor Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/10/03
Posts: 5
Loc: new england
Thanks Joe, I am in therapy. I dragged my wife into marriage counselingalmost 2 years ago and it didn't help the marriage but it did help me. This is just a topic that hasn't been addressed yet after finding sexual problems that also need to be dealt with. Thanks for your help

_________________________
trebor

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#11138 - 09/10/03 07:13 PM Re: sexual abuse
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Trebor
I've moved your post here, where it'll be better noticed.

If you didn't agree to the sex, and being drunk isn't a reason to have sex you don't want, then it's abuse.

As you say
Quote:
At about age 13 or 14 I was taken advantage of by a friend into giving him a blowjob while I was inebrated.
Everything was wrong there, you were drunk at a way too early age, and someone took advantage of that.

Neither should have happened, but how many of us didn't try getting smashed at that age ? I did.
And nobody has the right to take advantage of a boy, drunk or sober.

And one thing that must be said is; don't feel that one incident - no matter how 'mild' it might seem is any less traumatic than the prolonged horror stories that some boys suffered.
There is NO league table of abuse, it's all abuse no matter what happened. And the effects are no better or worse whatever happened.

The most damaging part of "sexual abuse" is possibly the second word - "abuse".
The sex is a physical thing that rarely has a great deal of lasting physical effect.

But the abuse relates to the abuse of power and trust between us and the abuser, and has a very deep and lasting effect on our minds.

Obviously that's a big generalization, but the point I'm making is there is a lot more to our problems than what actually happened, it's how it affects us now that's important.
And I think you have found that out - the hard way unfortunatly, like so many of us.

But stick around, there's great help and support here.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#11139 - 09/10/03 08:26 PM Re: sexual abuse
trebor Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/10/03
Posts: 5
Loc: new england
Thanks Lloyd, Robert

_________________________
trebor

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#11140 - 09/11/03 01:40 AM Re: sexual abuse
blacken Offline
Chatroom Moderator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 08/13/01
Posts: 1196
Loc: Northern Ohio
trebor,

Don’t be mislead by Lloydy's true but possibly confusing statement

"[If you didn't agree to the sex, and being drunk isn't a reason to have sex you don't want, then it's abuse.
As you say quote:
At about age 13 or 14 I was taken advantage of by a friend into giving him a blowjob while I was inebrated.]"

The part here that Lloydy said that may make people defensive, is the "If you didn't agree to the sex" part of his response.

Whether U agreed or not, and the other circumstances at the time, really aren't an excuse for the abuse. Many, many of us have been coerced or manipulated in countless ways into SA. As well as in keeping the secrete, pact, special time & the millions of other excuses and cleverly laid traps. Some went willingly into the trap, some returned for more even when they Knew it was abuse. That is how powerful the Perp can be. Even if 'it' happened just once. It can and does have lasting after effects that seem to act like a virus. Sometime hibernating for years before coming out. Sometimes just keeping u sick. Ever resistant to eradication. Effecting many parts of your being.

The fault does NOT lay upon you. Nor can alcohol be used as an excuse. It may have been a factor, or a coincidence.
The fault lays upon the thinking of a person, who recognizes an opportunity to get a desire met, without the moral self-discipline to take the time and effort to meet those needs in an appropriate fashion. A thinking process in which having desires met, are more important that the health, welfare of all people, or moral code of society.
I liken this to being addicted to Crack. Its call is so strong, it over-rides instinct, moral code, self-preservation.......a horrible substance, made by man & used against man to benefit another.
Sexual, Physical, Emotional, etc Abuse is by mankind, against mankind. And like Lloydy said, its really about ABUSE. Sex or beatings, or yelling curses, is the chanel or medium chosen/selected to convey the message to themselves (the Perps) that they are all powerful, and therefore Safe, Confident, In Control of their lives. Abuse is about Power.

Now You have the Power. We want to help you. We will try, but You must find it within yourself. Its there. It may be hiding behind two dudes called Doubt, and Uncertainty. But Your Power is in there too. And its far stronger.

Blacken...

_________________________
Everyone is a genius! If you were to judge a fish, by its ability to climb a tree,
it would think it was stupid all of it's life.
~Albert Einstein

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#11141 - 09/11/03 04:08 AM Re: sexual abuse
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
It sound to me that you were. Although both of you were drinking at time (at least, that is what I think you said), that does not advertise that you wish that to happen. That you say it as 'I was taken advantage of', that say at me that you did not wish it, that you did not feel in control of situation. That says at me that it was an abuse of the situation. I hope that you are able to deal of it within yourself some, and decide how you feel of it. And I hope that you are able to get yourself help, to feel stronger of it all. I wish you good luck, and wish you well.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#11142 - 09/11/03 12:54 PM Re: sexual abuse
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
thanks Blacken, not my best choice of words.

Dave :rolleyes:

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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