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#10940 - 04/25/03 05:09 PM Jitters
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
I do not know what has happened to me today. It started out great; the sun was out; we sold our old trailer and I was happy visiting my clients.
Then wham out of the blue I got this pounding headache and I started to cry. I dont know why but it lasted for about one hour and i have been shaking ever since. I cant talk to people . I am stuttering and shaking so bad I can jardly type. I just dont know what it is. I also feel terribly trapped and that something is coming to get me. I am about to start crying again and my head is killing me. Never happeded before. Is this normal. I can hardly stand up and barely made it home. I am so scared but of what i dot know.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#10941 - 04/25/03 05:43 PM Re: Jitters
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Mike,

Hang on. Deep, slow breaths. Hang on.

Been there. It passes.

I suspect something in the subconscious gets triggered but no memories surface in consciousness.

Hang on. It will be ok.

Sorry, that is all I know to say.

Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#10942 - 04/25/03 07:45 PM Re: Jitters
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Mike:

What Freedom says makes sense. And I've been there, too, brother. In fact I'm struggling with something along this line right now:

http://www.malesurvivor.org/cgi-local/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=1;t=001820

Migraines or other kinds of bad headaches are not uncommon for survivors; I mean, look at all the shit that's in our heads!

A couple of years ago I was having migraines that would just knock me down & keep me there, even for days at a time.

Since then it's been more other pains that have kinda shut me down.

Sometimes you've just gotta breath & take it easy.

Bro, you've been doing a lot. You're strong. But take it easy on yourself ok?

You're a valued member of this pack!

BTW I've found that when I go thru similar things
I'm on the verge of learning something new. Often something hard to learn. But sometimes it can lead to a real breakthrough in recovery.

But take your time & let it break through if it's gonna. Don't let it break you.

The pack is here for you brother wolf!

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#10943 - 04/25/03 07:58 PM Re: Jitters
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Mike
I don't know if this might be the same thing ? but last Sunday I took what appeared to be a huge step backwards.

I'd had a great weekend out in the mountains , along with my wife, and set out the off road course for this months 4x4 club event. That was Fri and Sat, two days of hard work cutting trees back, tramping through bogs and rivers. On Sun I was in charge of 20 drivers and responsible for everything, from safety to toilets.
I came home so pleased and satisfied with everything we had done, good respected drivers told me it was the best and toughest event for a long while, I felt really good.

So after an hours drive home, a shower and food I logged on here and scanned the messages before heading to bed early.
But as I was logging off I found myself clicking onto porn sites, something I hadn't done for over 12 months. And it was unstoppable.

The next day I felt like shit and beat myself up over it, but I thought long and hard about it and I think it was my old habit of self destruction getting the better of me.
I felt good Sun' night, but hey ! that can't be right. So let's do something to bring myself back down to the level I should be at, rock bottom.

I guess feeling good about myself is something I have to adjust to still.
And my friend Kirk pointed out at our group that being tired is a major weakness to our defences, he mentioned an acronym from AA 12 step work that I can't remember but the T was 'tired' - and it made sense.

Perhaps feeling good is something we're not used to, and when it happens we don't know how to accept it.

So remember the good stuff Mike, you made a few $ selling the trailer, some clients were happy and the sun shone.
The crap that followed was nothing compared to that, and neither was the porn I looked at.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#10944 - 04/25/03 10:08 PM Re: Jitters
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Thanks For the thoughts Dave but the pain wont go away and I dont know what it is. I just feel like I am coming apart at the seams and I cant stop shaking and crying. I just want to crawl into a hole to get rid of the pain. I cn hardly see anymore..

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#10945 - 04/25/03 11:23 PM Re: Jitters
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Mike,

I don't know what to say except that we're all here for you. You were a great help to me the other night. Remember that you have strength, you did survive the abuse itself, and you will thrive in recovery.

You offered a shoulder the other night. I still haven't found my tears, but the difference in height won't make any difference at all in virtual shoulders. Cry till you don't need to cry.

Like Victor says, you're a valued member of the wolf pack. You are a source of strength for us. Let us be strong for you.

And Dave, I just walked in from Al Anon. It's "HALT. Don't let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired."

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#10946 - 04/26/03 05:18 AM Re: Jitters
bowman Offline
Member

Registered: 04/19/03
Posts: 72
Mike,

You can get through this. Like Freedom said, keep breathing, brother.

--Ken


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#10947 - 04/26/03 05:37 AM Re: Jitters
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
Sounds like a flashback is coming. I went through that for 4 1/2 years. Sometimes I would have a minor breakdown when I would remember something I didn't want to. Sometimes there was a lot of pain, fear and anxiety over something that wasn't all that bad. Just remember that what ever it is, you wont remember it unless you are able to handle it. What ever it is, it cant hurt you now.

Peace
MO Healing


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#10948 - 04/26/03 08:07 AM Re: Jitters
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Dave (and Mike & all),

The experience you share sounds so much like what has been happening to me recently.

My activity & exercise level was increasing to points not seen well for a very long time. Intimacy with my wife was improving a bit. A good fellow survivor friend came to visit. I started dealing with some tough issues. I'd not a/o with porn for over a month.

Then a few weeks or so ago, it crashed. I apparently got a stomach bug or something and my fibro pain flared which also hampered my activity.

My wife already struggling with hormone problems recently, went into depression and is now, like me, on an antidepressant. So I feel guilty about all the years she had to put up with my crap, and feel lots of pressure to be strong for her as she has been for me. Neither of us have been able to sleep well. There are concerns about the future I won't even get into.

In dealing with the tough issues I "learned" something else (tho I already knew deep down) about what my mother did (or tried to do) to me that is really upsetting; maybe I'll share about that, probably in UDF, sometime.

With the stuff I was facing I've gotten pretty angry. Not able to get out as much or be as active, I got to feeling lonely. Not sleeping & the emotional drain has made me tired. Hungry, dammit I'm always hungry!

There you have it H.A.L.T.--Hungry Angry Lonely Tired!

Needless to say, I'm having a very tough time maintaining my sexual sobriety lately. This only makes me more HALT & it becomes that vicious cycle, again.

So this is why right now I'm fighting that shutdown mode I've gone into in the past (see thread "What it takes to survive").

So Dave, Mike, all my fellow wolves, thanks for sharing your experiences & insights. You have encouraged me to go ahead & share mine--ok dump them--here. I've been doing it in bits & pieces, but it was time to go ahead & pour it out.

Quote:
Perhaps feeling good is something we're not used to, and when it happens we don't know how to accept it.
Yeah. When some people say they feel so good they can hardly stand it, it's a figure of speech. We, fellow survivors, can say it quite literally.

Feeling good, accepting ourselves & our lives positively, enjoying well anything good--these are unfamiliar & uncomfortable even scary. Add to this that we thus don't kow how to live & "have it so good" and enjoying life & self is a challenge to say the least.

Quote:
So remember the good stuff Mike, you made a few $ selling the trailer, some clients were happy and the sun shone.
The crap that followed was nothing compared to that, and neither was the porn I looked at.

Dave
Still, Dave is right. Remember the good stuff. The crap that follows, including the porn & a/o, is just that--crap--compared to the joy of living and taking on the challenge of living in the goodness of life.

Right now that's not easy for me to say and it will be a lot harder to do.

But thank you all for the encouragement to do it that I am receiving here.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#10949 - 04/26/03 06:28 PM Re: Jitters
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Thanks for all the comments brother wolves
Here is the goods:
I went to the hospital last nite. I have s severe infection in the nasal bone above the left eye. Infected sinuses. I got a massive does of antibiotics last nite and had the blocked passage drilled open this am. It hurts like hell but not like it did.



The trigger was a guy who used to tie me up and then take boxing gloves to my head. I did not even realize it at the time in the past day. Thus the fear and the tears. And the pain. That was how he got off before he raped my. I am ok now just a really hard dull ache. God I am happy for that pain believe me.

And the news Marc gave me about Alans surgery and recovery today is great news. I was anxious about that too. Add it all together and it was not good for me.

I did not mean to scare anyone. It was driving me crazy and I was also anxious to hear about Al.

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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