Dave (and Mike & all),
The experience you share sounds so much like what has been happening to me recently.
My activity & exercise level was increasing to points not seen well for a very long time. Intimacy with my wife was improving a bit. A good fellow survivor friend came to visit. I started dealing with some tough issues. I'd not a/o with porn for over a month.
Then a few weeks or so ago, it crashed. I apparently got a stomach bug or something and my fibro pain flared which also hampered my activity.
My wife already struggling with hormone problems recently, went into depression and is now, like me, on an antidepressant. So I feel guilty about all the years she had to put up with my crap, and feel lots of pressure to be strong for her as she has been for me. Neither of us have been able to sleep well. There are concerns about the future I won't even get into.
In dealing with the tough issues I "learned" something else (tho I already knew deep down) about what my mother did (or tried to do) to me that is really upsetting; maybe I'll share about that, probably in UDF, sometime.
With the stuff I was facing I've gotten pretty angry. Not able to get out as much or be as active, I got to feeling lonely. Not sleeping & the emotional drain has made me tired. Hungry, dammit I'm always hungry!
There you have it H.A.L.T.--Hungry Angry Lonely Tired!
Needless to say, I'm having a very tough time maintaining my sexual sobriety lately. This only makes me more HALT & it becomes that vicious cycle, again.
So this is why right now I'm fighting that shutdown mode I've gone into in the past (see thread "What it takes to survive").
So Dave, Mike, all my fellow wolves, thanks for sharing your experiences & insights. You have encouraged me to go ahead & share mine--ok dump them--here. I've been doing it in bits & pieces, but it was time to go ahead & pour it out.
Perhaps feeling good is something we're not used to, and when it happens we don't know how to accept it.
Yeah. When some people say they feel so good they can hardly stand it, it's a figure of speech. We, fellow survivors, can say it quite literally.
Feeling good, accepting ourselves & our lives positively, enjoying well anything good--these are unfamiliar & uncomfortable even scary. Add to this that we thus don't kow how to live & "have it so good" and enjoying life & self is a challenge to say the least.
So remember the good stuff Mike, you made a few $ selling the trailer, some clients were happy and the sun shone.
The crap that followed was nothing compared to that, and neither was the porn I looked at.
Still, Dave is right. Remember the good stuff. The crap that follows, including the porn & a/o, is just that--crap--compared to the joy of living and taking on the challenge of living in the goodness of life.
Right now that's not easy for me to say and it will be a lot harder to do.
But thank you all for the encouragement to do it that I am receiving here.