Hello board, I'm new to this site and have spent some time reading the postings. I'm 39, gay and in a 3+ year monogamous relationship with another abuse survivor.

I was very effeminate as a child from the earliest ages. I suffered tremendous teasing and bullying throughout childhood and high school. Since I was 14, I've seen many therapists (often in long term capacity) as I've not felt "right." During my high school years, I became sexually compulsive with other men and have had that behavior throughout my life. It's still an issue in my current relationship and I've had "slips." Thankfully I have a very understanding partner that realizes the world consists of many greys v/s blacks & white.

During my many counseling sessions, I've often speculated that I was abused as a child. From the very earliest of ages (4 and 5) I can recall being very assertive sexually with other boys and knowing the "mechanics" of male-male sex. I cannot however recall ever being abused. All the signs are there but do not recall any memories.

As I delve deeper into true intimacy with my partner, our physical relationship is becoming more difficult. I was relieved to see in some of the other posts that other visitors sometimes dissassociate sexually from their partners due to confusion over fantasies similar to previous abuse patterns.

I'm so confused about how all this fits together. The good news is that I feel like things are naturally falling into place with my willingness to seriously explore this issue. All of the other counseling has led me to this.

My chief question is asking fellow members what resources are out there for abuse survivors to uncover or put to rest repressed abuse memories? Additionally, I'm finding now with my partner that when we are physical, I find myself going into a space that's shame based and "dirty" yet sexually charged or in rare cases, truly intimate and I'm sobbing like mad (yet very turned on). Needles to say this is all terribly confusing.

I'm really thankful that I found this site. I need and want to work through this. Any assistance you can provide would be appreciated.

Peace - Dan

Sorry that you had to come here, but welcome. Many members here have had problems with remembering things. It is common for the brain to repress memories. ALL of the things that you have mentioned ARE consistent with the way that many people here have reacted and responded to childhood abuse.

Dan,

Welcome to our gathering place. It's a great group of people here that make a difference to each other. I wish you didn't need someone to make a difference in this way, but you do and we're here.

I tried early on to force memories. It didn't work very well for me. I'd end up with no clearer understanding, but triggered beyond my ability to cope. The only thing that seems to work for me is time. I have been able to recall things with greater clarity as I have reached some level of resolution with things I was already aware of. I've heard it said in a lot of different ways that we'll remember things only as we acquire the strength we'll need to deal with them.

Thanks,

Joe

Dan
welcome to MS, and whether you were abused or not - and your 'problems' seem to be common to abuse - I know that the help and support here is the best.

I'm not any kind of expert on memory, and whether they can be recovered. It's one of those areas that's deeply divided - even amongst the professionals in that field.

There are people who claim to be able to recover memories , but I would be very careful. Many of them 'plant' the seed of an idea and then it gets developed. It might not be intentional, but it can give someone a false history.
There have been cases across the world, New Zealand a few years ago was devastated by claims of ritual, satanic abuse involving sacrifices of babies.
It was all down to a couple of incompetant counsellors, but it resulted in broken families and all kinds of bad stuff.

We can surpress bad memories, many of us have done that. My feeling is that we can't force ourselves to forget something - but we can surpress them and cover them up from our concious thoughts and go through life ignoring the memories rather than forgetting them.
Recovering those memories is possible, not by looking for 'something that might be there' but by clearing the crap out of our minds and thinking clearly about ourselves. And therapy helps us to do that.

My personal view is that it's a minefield, and one we should tread carefully in.

But please make your own mind up, like I said - I'm no expert.

Dave

Here's some links that might be useful.

Jim Hoppers excelent site.
http://www.jimhopper.com/memory/

Psych' paper - seems to be a well researched and reasoned discussion
http://www.tc.umn.edu/~under006/Library/MPD_DID.html

Elizabet Loftus - possibly 'the' expert on recovered memory
http://fates.cns.muskingum.edu/~psych/psycweb/history/loftus.htm

Mental Health .com - debate
http://mentalhealth.about.com/cs/dissociative/a/dabaterec.htm

The argument against
http://www.angelfire.com/on2/pandora/box.html

Hi Dan,
Let me extend my welcome to you as well. I'm glad you found us and I know that you've found a safe space to share some of your journey.

I so identified with your comments about the confusion over feeling turned on both in moments rooted in shame as well as feelings of intimacy and tears. I too am a gay man. In my last relationship, moments like that would happen to me too. Different parts of me would get triggered when being sexual sometime feeling shameful when something was being done to me. Other times, I would cry too because for moments I felt whole, with my body, feelings and emotions all working like they're supposed to. And then the tears would come because the child in me would finally experience being seen and loved by another person. That's when spirituality and sexuality would intersect and I would be so amazingly turned on. The turn on, in that case I believe, is because I would enter into that altered space where two spirits come together to share freely and lovingly in the way sexual expression is truly meant to be.

Sorry for the soapbox Dan. This brought me back to some cherished memories.

Taz

Dan,

Welcome to our site, you will find a lot of great supportive men here. The friends and family are also great, fabulous at that. I truely appreciate and am thankful for them all. I think you will come to that conclusion also.

I had always remembered my abuse. All of it, at least I thought. It wasn't very long after I started addressing it until I realized I didn't. Not so very long ago, some of the blocked out memories started to come back. One of the memories that came back was that I was forcibly "shared". Followed by the mememory of him being paid by these other guys. I took the idea that I was 'sold', forced to be a prostitute very hard, a lot of cursing and anger come with that one. Then, the I remembered that he normally got paid in cash by these and other guys - as part of his profession. I fought with the notion, back and forth, was this a normal transaction or was it my 'prostitution'; still I don't know the real truth. I guess what I am saying, is that the memory of them paying him is a real one, but was it a part of the SA? I guess that time will tell. Either way, I know that it wasn't my fault.

Take care,
Keep in the white, stay out of the black, and tread lightly in the grey,
Bill

Dan,
Welcome to the family. THe guys here are a huge help, so never be afraid to ask for help or advice!
Casey