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#10675 - 04/25/03 06:06 AM Hello I am new
Sam Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 3
Loc: New York
Hi, my name is Sam and I am a survivor. Nice to meet you all.
I am 20 and going to school. I've been dealing with the abuse for a long time now. I have put it in the back of my mind when I thought it would stay for the rest of my life. Something changed recently, I met this dude in my school and we became very friendly. I felt very close to him I didn't know why. One night he was feeling down about a chick and then I asked him what was wrong. In the middle of the conversation he dropped the bomb, he had been abused too. Into what extent I don't know. I only know that I freaked out like really badly. What he told me brought back the memories of my own pasts, my fears and all the pain that I went through, all that pain that I tried to hide. I know that not dealing with it is not the best way to deal with being abused, but I didn't know how else to deal with it. Now my life has been turned inside out by my friend and I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should tell him about me, about the abuse. I wonder if is a good idea or not. He is a great guy but has been really affected by what happened to him, not that I haven't been but I guess I dealt with it in a different way. I am afraid if I tell him he'll freak like I did and won't talk to me or something. I don't know...I am very confused about what to do. I don't know what to do with all this emotions that he brought back to me....the anger, the fear, the pain. I just don't know.....

_________________________
Sam

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#10676 - 04/25/03 06:41 AM Re: Hello I am new
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
people react better to finding out than i always imagined they would. the fear of divulging to others seems worse than the reality of it. look at you. you 'freaked' at first, but did you go running away never to look back? no, you didn't. i would love to have a guy friend in my life like that. someone who understood what it was like to live with this every day. i suspect you two might be a real gift to one another. he would more than likely be relieved to hear that he isnt alone. it had to be hard for him to tell you, and lay his life on the line for you. i think it would be great if you could do the same, and return that trust, but only you know what you can do. i hope all works out. take care...
jeff

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#10677 - 04/25/03 08:34 AM Re: Hello I am new
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Sam,

Welcome! You've found a great place with a great bunch of guys, the Brother Wolves. It's too bad you had need to look for us, because you did not deserve to be abused, but I'm glad you found us.

Your friend sounds like someone who trusts you a great deal. You probably already know how alone the abuse made him feel. I felt like I had to be the only one in the world, even though I knew intellectually that was not the case.

Don't force yourself to do something against your own better judgment, but if you think he can remain your friend as you remained his, then it might help you both if you were to tell him.

And like Jeff said, you might be great assets and allies to one another in your recovery journeys.

Come back here, too. There are a lot of great guys here, working together and sharing our victories over the effects of SA.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#10678 - 04/25/03 10:34 AM Re: Hello I am new
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Sam,
There's not too much more I can add to Outis and Zadok's posts. However I think you'll look back on this and see your friend as a blessing in disguise. Because if you let this go on for years without dealing with it it will effect every part of your life. It won't just go away.

Quote:
you might be great assets and allies to one another in your recovery journeys.
I absolutly agree. You're very fortunate to have someone who you can talk to. A lot of guys aren't so lucky.

Since you're in school, look into counciling. Take advantage of the resources because once you leave school it may be more difficult to find a inexpensive therapist.
Take care,
Mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#10679 - 04/25/03 01:05 PM Re: Hello I am new
Sam Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 04/25/03
Posts: 3
Loc: New York
Thank You.
After I found out I freaked but it felt good to know that there was someone else going through the same thing. The thing is that he is very volatile and I'm afraid I would make life harder for him if I told him. He has told me a bunch of times that he doesn't need the stress, and something like that would cause a great deal of pain. It did to me, I like him, i really do... I think he is a really cool and a good friend. I think I might be afraid of losing that. I part of me believes that he knows, mostly cuz of the similaritites with our behaviors, he is just a bit too intense though. Sometimes I wondering if opening that wound might be a good idea on my part.... I am afraid it might mess me (us) up even more.

Sam

_________________________
Sam

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#10680 - 04/25/03 01:46 PM Re: Hello I am new
Freedom Offline
Member

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US
Sam,

I think in the long run truth is the best path to take. Just look for the right moment with some time built into it for a reaction and time to handle it.

Your friend must have told you for a reason and he may be glad to know the reason he trusted you instinctively.

Take care,
Freedom.

_________________________
Life is moving on. AM I?

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#10681 - 04/25/03 02:21 PM Re: Hello I am new
zadok1 Offline
Member

Registered: 11/05/02
Posts: 188
Loc: Ohio
for me, telling is something i do as much for myself as the other person. i found i tend to shut down, and become very cold and distant if i am guarding this secrete from whoever i am dealing with. by telling, i can be myself. my closest friends all know, because i dont want those walls between us. so far i havent had anyone go screaming into the night. i think any friend worth calling a friend should be supportive and understanding. dont sell you buddy short.

_________________________
The world is a dangerous place, not because of those that are evil, but because of those who do nothing about them- Albert Einstein

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#10682 - 04/25/03 04:21 PM Re: Hello I am new
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hello Sam,

It is rather amazing that your friend spoke to you of his abuse. Now, he needs you to believe him and support him as best you can.

It sounds like he is really hurtinng in many aspects of his life. He sure needs help dealing with that. If your school library has a copy of BETRAYED AS BOYS by Richard Gartner, you might check it out for him. If the library doesn't have it, ask them to get it. Two other books that many of us have found helpful are: Victims No more, by Mike Lew, and Abused Boys the Forgotten Victims, or something close to that by Mic Hunter.

When you feel you are safe in telling your friend that you share that same wound, tell him. I suspect it will make an even closer bond--but I can't know for sure.

Take care of yourself Sam. Come here and talk as much as you want. Read some of those books. And if possiobe, get to a counsellor trained to work with trauma victims or sexual abuse victims.

We are not counselors here--but we can share our experiences. And, as a matter of fact, some trained counselors are here and make really helpful comments.

Peace to you and your friend.

Bob

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#10683 - 04/25/03 07:09 PM Re: Hello I am new
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Sam,

Welcome to the brotherhood of the survivor wolfpack. You're abuse was horrible and you've come to a good place to deal with it & get it out.

It sounds like you have a friend who really trusts
you & thinks highly of you, enuf to share with you
the horrible secret of his sexual abuse.

I may be wrong but he doesn't sound like the type who would turn you off or anything if you told him
about your abuse just as he told you about his.

After all, you didn't turn him off.

What your friend needs is understanding & support.
Who better to get that from than another SA survivor, especially a man who is already a good friend, familiar, trusted.

Telling him about your SA would not make him happy of course, anymore than when he told you about his SA. But the fact that you listened surely made him feel supported, grateful to know there was someone else who had experienced this horror who could go thru dealing with it with him.

He will probably also be able to offer you much support. If you tell him.

Somehow, I wouldn't be surprised if he already knows about your SA, Sam. After all he did tell you about his own SA. And we survivors, like wolves, can sense each other, smell each other out
& find one another. To support one another.

Already, tho it may not seem so now, his telling you is helping you becuz you are remembering your
own SA. Yes it hurts to remember but it hurts more not to. I'll spare you the litany of physical
& psychological pains & dysfunctions I have not only becuz of my abuse but becuz I kept buried & dissociated from the very memory of it for 35 years after the last time I was abused.

But now I know what the problem is and now I can deal with that instead of just symptoms with unknown causes. You will be able to do this too. And you will be able to start young.

Ultimately, you're a survivor and you've got good instincts. Trust them. Trust yourself. If & when you can trust your friend.

Victor

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#10684 - 04/26/03 03:19 AM Re: Hello I am new
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
You might consider telling him about this website. You could also recommend that he read some books about abuse and get in to see a good therapist. All those things helped me. After you give him all this advice which he needs and will help him, he will probably conclude that you know so much about it because you have been through the same thing. Comradery helps, knowing you were not the only one helps and reading someone else write "I could have written that" helps a lot too. Never underestimate the value of saying that you have been there too.

Peace
MO Healing


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