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#10569 - 08/19/04 05:28 AM Just a question.
Malidin41 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/01/04
Posts: 140
Loc: Utah
I have struggled quite a bit with my abuse and keep looking back to try and understand it all. I am wondering if anyone hear might have gotten to the point where they started to enjoy the sexual acts and infact asked for it to happen. Shortly after my brother started to abuse me I became very sexual and started to play the games that my brother was playing with me with my piers. I also got to the point where I was asking my brother to play. Am I a freak of nature for asking for it? I don't know I just wish my confusion in this whole matter would just go away. I am sorry if this post should not be hear I understand go ahead and move it. I will also understand if you all don't want to talk with me anymore I know it is crazy for me to have asked for those things, I guess I am just hoping that I am not alone. I am hoping that someone can explain to me why I came to enjoy it but hate it at the same time. Was I abused? Maybe not.

_________________________
Mother of the kingdom of silence I have obeyed you long enough!!!

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#10570 - 08/19/04 09:45 AM Re: Just a question.
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5778
Loc: Lambertville, NJ USA
Mal:
The human body responds to touch. When you are too young or are manipulated to participate in sexual activities before you are old enough to understand what it means, your body is still capable of enjoying the touch.

There is nothing to feel guilty about. If the activity was getting pushed on a swing, wouldn't you likely want to push the other person or other kids? Think about any activity that is enjoyable to a kid. Most kids will want to do it again and again, as well as probably share with others.

It's only natural. When the understanding develops that the acts were wrong or illegal or become coercive, the pleasure may still be there on a physical level but now there is a conflict because of the new knowledge (or consequences).

Hope that clears this up.

Ken


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#10571 - 08/19/04 10:11 AM Re: Just a question.
Aden Offline
Member

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499
My dear friend,

You are not alone. My step-brother was 3 years older than me and started wanting to “play” when I was 9 and just starting to enter puberty. At first I didn’t want to do those things. I refused. But got into trouble for fighting. ( I wasn’t about to tell my parents that I was fighting to keep him out of my bed) He nagged and pestered and forced the issue and I gave in.

Now you have to understand that I was going to a Catholic school, was very devout, and wouldn’t even look at my privets because it was bad. The guilt was so overwhelming that I stopped going to confession and taking communion. But along with the guilt came the adolescent pleasure.

Yes, I learned to enjoy some of the things we did. Yes, occasionally I would ask him to come over to my bed and “play.” Yes, I felt shame and guilt for many years. And yes, I was abused.

I was molested by an older boy and taught thing that a child of my age had no business knowing about, let alone doing. I was ignored by parents who refused to see the signs of what was going on or protect me properly. And I was heaped with guilt by a church/school that was utterly insensitive to the mental anguish that its teachings caused.

When a child is forced either physically or emotionally into sexual behaviors that are beyond his understanding, that is abuse. Coupled with the guilt and shame it is a negatively life altering tragedy. Children do not consent to sex. They lack the comprehension, maturity, and legal standing to consent.

What ever happened, however much you may have come to enjoy some of the physical pleasures, it was still abuse. An older, more sexually sophisticated person, (even if that person is himself a minor) who elicits sexual behavior from a child, commits rape.

You may never get rid of all the feeling of guilt, and that is part of the evil of CSA. It isn’t so much the sex that hurt us. It is the life long confusion that causes the most pain.

So no, you are not alone. And you are not guilty. You were abused.

Aden


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#10572 - 08/19/04 05:04 PM Re: Just a question.
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Maladin
my abuse started at 11yo, just at the age I was getting sexual naturally.

I got erections, I orgasmed. I enjoyed that part because as Ken and the others point out - it's what our BODIES do naturally. Not only as boys but as men as well. There are cases of men being tortured brutally where their torturers deliberatley arouse them and they get erections, even when near death.

I began to enjoy the sex with my abusers because my body reacted and my mind didn't know the correct way to deal with the 'pleasure' - my abusers told me I was enjoying it and my bodily reactions confirmed it.
I also began to ask my abusers for sex, I asked for group sex with them and suggested different things we could do.
Is that natural for an 11 to 15 yo boy? of course not. It's alien to "normal" kids of that age because it's outside their normal depth of experience.
Kids can see sexy movies, read soft porn and get some idea of what goes on, but at the level we were doing it someone with experience had to be at the top of the tree. In my case it was a teacher.

"asking for it" was one of the biggest obstacles I had to overcome, and it was hard as well. I still struggle a bit with this.

But once again I believe we need to break it down ruthlessly and remember each painful detail.
Did they ask leading questions? "yes" my abusers did. They would 'just happen' to meet me in the school yard and ask "where are you going, got a free period have you?"
"Yes, and I'm going to rugby practice" wasn't the answer either.....
So I'd say "yes, shall we go and ......?"
This was clever psychological stuff, they didn't realise it any more than I did, they worked on instinct, but the whole ritual was TAUGHT to me by THEM.

Think hard about the rituals and circumstances SURROUNDING your abuse, the actual sex is secondary to this excercise.
Sexual abuse is also about CONTROL of the victim, it's about power - the abuse of power.
Figure out how they abused that power and you'll see that you ARE a victim / Survivor and not the "freak or crazy" you fear you are.

I'm not, and you're not either.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#10573 - 08/19/04 08:51 PM Re: Just a question.
heart Offline
Member

Registered: 08/14/04
Posts: 48
Loc: UK
Hi Mal

First of all your post is exactly the kind of stuff I need to read because for me it deals with some of the more difficult aspects of CSA that need to be talked about.
When I reached the point in my therapy when I had to "admit" that I did enjoy some of the abuse I felt so ashamed of myself and I feared my therapist would get rid of me.
The fact of the matter is that I DID NOT enjoy the abuse, I hated it but I enjoyed natural physical sensations and the good thing about that is that I have a body that works perfectly well, reacting appropriately to stimulation.
Sexual stimulation from a perp is not appropriate.
I also know that in my adult life I have countless times re-enacted the abuse by seeking people to abuse me and I understand today that this was my way of regaining control of the abuse as I had no control whatsoever and lost all my rights when it happened.
As far as I am concerned you are no freak at all.

Take care
Heart


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#10574 - 08/19/04 08:58 PM Re: Just a question.
Malidin41 Offline
Member

Registered: 07/01/04
Posts: 140
Loc: Utah
Thank you all for responding to this, although I still find myself sceptical I am greatful that you all have the opinion on this issue that you do. I hope that some day I can live in piece knowing that I did not have anything to do with causing the abuse to accure. Again I thank you all.

_________________________
Mother of the kingdom of silence I have obeyed you long enough!!!

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