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#10091 - 10/04/02 01:30 PM sharing
bec Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 187
Loc: chicagoland area
hello men:

wow, i am afraid to enter this. i am new to this board and opening up/sharing is a very tough thing for me to do. but, i feel that i really need to do so so here we go.

i just registered at this site yesterday and there are many things on my mind and heart. here is a snipet.

i will turn 40 in almost a month and i was emotionally incested by my mother and abandoned by my father as a boy. my dad is a workaholic and my doctor believed my mother suffers from an anxiety disorder like i.

i have been diagnosed with general anxiety disorder, social phobia, dysthymia and i've struggled with major depression as well. i am not on any mind meds right now but i was in my past. i stopped due to the side effects and i don't want to take any more.

i am unemployed and have struggled with working my entire life. i find that when i am at work my social phobia and my low self esteem cause me to really struggle. my longest period of continous employment was 18 months.

i have survived by receiving much help from my family, especially my maternal grandparents, and by doing my best to make all that was given to me last.

well, i have a very hard time trusting others and myself i am sure. i really struggle with intimacy. when anyone tries to get close i become very anxious and afraid. afraid they will hurt me like others have. this is why i am single, never have married and it hurts to admit it but i am a virgin.

i have never been able to feel safe enough to be loved by or in love with another. i am heterosexual and of above average looks. in my life there have been numerous women, some of them very beautiful, who tried to get close. but, every time the point came where i just could not handle it. i could not feel safe. i had to turn and run away.

this has happened many times before. i tried being intimate, getting close, but i just couldn't.

there is a great well of pain in my heart. living my adult life without a partner to love is and has always been a very difficult thing to endure.

it is something i endure. i see it as similar to being imprisoned. of course it can't equal a prison but in its own way it is like one.

wow, i am sharing more than i intended. i hope i do not wind up regretting it. well, i have basically no friends in my life. i have always had a hard time forming friendships due to my difficulty trusting.

overall i just feel that my life is in a really empty place right now and i must make some changes. i must create more. i must do more with my life.

i am not seeing a psychologist right now. i was seeing one but he required that i reach a goal before he would continue seeing me: i had to be employed.

at the time it was tough to find work because i sank into a depression. but, after more than a year i believe i found work parttime, i called him and he said he was not able to see me anymore.

he said he was too busy and that he had not been able to help me, since i had met with him weekly for a little over a year and i had once again faltered by losing my job and sinking back into a depression.

i felt betrayed by him to tell the truth. i believed we set a goal for me that was too high.

well men, i have been sitting at this public library computer for almost an hour now. i have more i want to share but, i limit my internet time to 1 hour so i won't feel overwhelmed.

if not i can sit here for hours if they don't kick me off of it because another library patron wishes to use it. so goodbye for now and i will do my best to return and share more of my story. thanks so much for reading this. til next time.

bec


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#10092 - 10/04/02 07:03 PM Re: sharing
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Bec
you're making good use of your hour, you're helping yourself get better.

I think you're best keeping away from that pyschologist, it sounds like he's more interested in getting his bill paid than actually helping.
Look for a good therapist who can deal with your problem and has experience, they're out there.

If you recognise the problem Bec, and are prepared to do something about it you're a good way into fixing it.

Be strong
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#10093 - 10/04/02 10:35 PM Re: sharing
New to this Offline
Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
You're not alone. The longest job I've ever held was 18 months and 19 days. Ok, I got laid before you, but I was almost 31 and it happened on my honeymoon.
I can relate to where you are. Keep talking--we're listening.

_________________________
"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

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#10094 - 10/05/02 12:58 PM Re: sharing
Thad Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/28/01
Posts: 1752
Loc: Oakland, CA
Bec,
Screw this crummy [explicative deleted]therapist! I had a long string of them in my youth. What he and they did was a betrayal of the trust we put in them.

I have learned to seek help very carefully. It's out there. I met some great therapists at the April NOMSV retreat, and I also found that working with a group of men who understood sexual abuse was more than I could imagine. (you can post a need for a therapist or group in your area in the discussion forum under "NOMSV classified")

Money is a big problem for me too, and I know that much of my being stuck is related to my depression and an inability to do it for myself, (barely sure I am worth it). But I have found writing, telling my story, communicating with my brothers at NOMSV, and the retreat, have all helped me along my road to recovery.

For us who have been abused by parents, we have a special problem with the fact that a basic part of our bonding as a child has been profoundly altered. Emotional or sexual abuse leaves us without important models for boundaries and trust - resulting in an endless round of disappointing relationships, (all our relationships) with others - It's like I am a drunk with impaired judgement as I try to negotiate the unspoken boundaries we all need. (I have a visual image of the lines being blurry and in motion). Its especially hard as a parent with my kids who need boundaries set EVERY DAY. I tend to doubt my ability to do it, struggle with their needs over mine, and usually end up with a relationship in which my needs are compromised.

I have learned to just stop, back off, consider it carefully (or even ask for help from my support team), and then come back to it with a boundary that works better.

I'm glad you are here, and I thank you for posting about this. It helps me to think about it. And it proves once again, that there are none of my issues in which I am "special" (as my mother used to say)and that I am truly not alone.

.......t

_________________________
"..this place isn't a discussion forum..it's a portal..." Lupin
"The truth will set you free, but first it will probably piss you off." dwf's AA sponsor.

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#10095 - 10/05/02 06:01 PM Re: sharing
Sean Simms Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/03/02
Posts: 90
Loc: Seattle
Hi Bec,
I was moved by your story. I've gone through many of the same things. Right now I'm unemployed and have no money at all. I've gone through this problem for years. I like to saymy mom made me a pussy. That's why I have no girlfriend, no job, few friends and no family. I feel to weak to get what I want in my life.
As for a therapist, well, you might be better off with someone else. Shop around, half of my therapists weren't any good so it may take a while to find someone for you. I once had a therapist tell me not to come back until I found a new topic I could work on. I realized it was religion but that scared me so I didn't go back to therapy for a year and a half.
Well I have more I want to tell you but I don't want to put it on a public disscussion board so I sent you a private email. Check your profile for it.
Sean

_________________________
"When you are Real you can't be ugly. People who think you are ugly just don't understand."
-the Velveteen Rabbit

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