My story begins at a young age, exactly how old is still a bit fuzzy, but from all the things I remember, I've narrowed it down to between 8 or 9. When I was 7, my parents split up, divorced. My mother eventually started dating and found a man that was a man's man. Worked construction, built tractors, had skidoo's dirt bikes. He moved in with us when i was 8. He took a liking to me, but not my older brother( 5yrs older)....they never got along, and eventually my older brother moved out. My new step dad also had a son ( 6yrs older than I).
My brother and I were like oil and water, even more so after our parents split up, so we never really got close. He hated me, i believe now, because he blamed me for our parents divorce...although he would never admit to that. He beat on me every chance he got...took out his frustrations on me while my mother was at work. I often waited at the corner store to see my mother drive by before going home, this was the only way to avoid the beatings. In all honesty, i did my share of provocation, so at times i deserved what i got.
Once my step dad and brother moved in, things changed. My step dad like me way more, it was obvious from the start. My step brother defended me also treated me very nice. I was his little buddy, took me with him everywhere....he was so cool. He built my first dirt bike and tough me how to ride. We often took my step fathers guns out back and fired them...looking back now, it's amazing we didn't hurt anyone. We were what i always thought brothers should be.
After school one day, my step brother and i were home alone watching TV. He asked if I wanted to play a game. As always, I felt excited to be asked or included, i said yes what game. I was told to lay down and close my eyes. I must lay still and no matter what keep my eyes closed. But first had to promise that it was our secret, and if i agreed i could never talk about it...it was a lifetime bond. I eagerly agreed.
What happen next, he undid my pants, reached in and started to play with me. I froze, didn't know what to do...I then started to get up, he pushed me down and shushed me, told me it's only a game, it's all for fun...asked if it felt good, i said nothing...he said it must you're hard....I simply nodded in agreement...keeping my eyes closed as tightly as possible. He eventually pulled my pants down and performed oral on me. After about 15 mins or so...he stopped and laid down next to me and said my turn. I opened my eyes and he was laying beside me on the floor, his pants down, his large erect penis standing straight up. I was very confused, frozen he grabbed my hand and made me touch him, showed me how he liked it...after a while he then pushed my head down and made me perform oral on him.
I was left confused, but also felt special. i could not process what this all meant. Over time he convinced me it was only a game, nothing wrong with having fun, as long as we don't tell...cuz if i did my mom would be very upset. With time I convinced myself it was ok, fun and for a time willingly participated. It was when I no longer wanted to "play" that I understood this was never my choice. He would often wake me up, he would be drunk, just home from his girlfriends house, but still needed to "play" with me. on those nights i could taste the difference, I could smell and taste on his cock the girls he was with before coming home. Often I'd wake up with him performing oral sex on me...the moment I'd wake up...he would force himself into my mouth and gag me until he was satisfied....saying hey idid you...you now have to do me... This went on for quite some time. I thought it was only nightmares I was having, thinking perhaps it was only a dream, but later on in life, when I was finally with a girl, I could distinctly remember the taste and smell from back then.
In summary, I feel like I was duped into believing this was a game, only for fun. Only once I played and enjoyed it, did he tell me not to tell because my mom would be very upset and my step dad and brother would have to move out. I really liked my step dad, he treated me like a son, he was my only father I knew, thus did not want to loose him. He was also very homophobic, so telling him would only cause great pain for all, and wasn't sure he'd even believe me if i did tell. I felt trapped, so i endured as long as i could.
One day ( at the age of 13 or 14), he hurt me so bad, i snapped, I told him that if he ever touched me again, I would not only blow his head off in his sleep, I'd make sure his father knew what kind of man he really was....from that day on, he never touched me again...considering i knew how to load and shoot based on his teachings...he knew i wasn't fucking around.
From that day until 2008, I pretended it didn't happened. I had a girl friend in high school, love her and had great fun. it was then I realized I wasn't gay, didn't like men in that way. I ejaculated for the first time when we had sex. I thought I was having orgasms all along the years, but never ejaculated until I have sex with a girl. Really didn't know i wasn't "finishing" even while masturbating as a teen. I was 18 when i lost my virginity to that girl.
Since then, I've tried to live a normal life, but always pretending this never happened, in 2008 I had a melt down, my marriage was in trouble, I hardly expressed any emotions, let alone being intimate with my wife. It came to the point were i needed to explain what was going on in my head, or I'd loose her for good. I left work early one day, wrote her a letter describing my childhood and how i was feeling at the time. She was VERY supportive. I started therapy shortly after.
My T was ok, but not that familiar with dealing with CSA, so it was only helpful in certain aspects. i am now seeking help from a T that specializes in CSA, but the wait list is long. I've also joined a support group, my first meeting is next Tuesday.
These last few years, since telling my wife, I've told my family, but only once my step father passed away from cancer...i could bring myself to face him.
Since letting my secret out, I've felt the need to have a secret (something was missing), so I started creating profiles on plenty of phish and chat with woman seeking casual encounters...the rush i get from that is powerful, my wife found out and demands it stops for good. I am ashamed of this behavior, but still feel the urge to do it. I really don't want to and don't want to risk loosing the most important thing to me...my family...but even after being caught the first time, after a few months, i was back at it....she's found out again and is devastated. I tried to explain it has nothing to do with how I feel about her, but she doesn't buy it....we are still together, but she no longer has any trust in me, and will not allow another slip up....so I need to ensure her it won't...but how can I?
I no longer plan on doing this, but don't want to leave it to chance, so I'm seeking help once again. This time hopefully it will help me deal with my "acting out".
well that's enough for now, plenty more details and feelings, but thought this will give a good understanding of my story/life thus far.