Hey LazyPirate, Lee and cray gecko, thanks for your thoughts and support. It means a lot for me!
I too have trouble asking for help, until it's almost too late... Cue; explosion of emotions. Even with those I'm closest to, the ability to open my mouth & say the words seems like a daunting task. Try to be brave... Step outside your comfort zone. You'll feel better after you do.
I'm definitely thinking to reach my T and to break my walls, thanks Pirate!
Pero, my dear friend, i feel your pain. i wish i had known of this. i too went through a dark time this past weekend - and - like you - didn't reach out for help. like you, i feel others are worth it and i can often make more effort to help them than to help myself. you do that all the time. we really do need each other. if we had both spoken up - it would have been better for both of us. maybe next time we can try that...?
and you are SO worthy of receiving help and encouragement and support and love. i know that the past memories and present thoughts and feelings say the opposite - but that is a lie! WE value YOU and there are more of us - so - majority wins!!!
Thank you Lee,
good idea to try next time to reach ant talk about struggles, I'm in it and next time I'll try to talk with you
Pero - I think we all regard you as one of the most supportive members on this forum. You have certainly given me a lot of support, both on the forums and via PM, and in doing have made a huge difference to me. It saddens me to know that you were suffering so much all this time and you never felt safe enough to reach out to us in return...
You are our friend and our brother and we love you. You are absolutely worthy of reaching out and asking for help! You have given so much to this board - you deserve to get something back. I hope that you will find the courage to be more open. You have already taken the first step by posting this thread, and for that I say "Well Done!".
Thank you gecko, if I didn't spoke with you I don't think that I wold post anything. It is not just that I have problems with asking for help, many times I'm not at all aware that I need it.
I feel safe to share all my problems with this community but I also found trough therapy strict cultural values that were grown in me during my childhood and that sometimes drive me.
As I'm coming from very conservative patriarchal culture I have difficulties to see self as fragile and someone who doesn't have control over his life and who needs occasionally help.
I see my self in such light many times unconsciously and I even imposed some very strict rules to myself. For example I'm never allowed to feel joy in some sexual pleasures expect to masturbate (as it is harmless for me and others), or I'm not allowed to crash (even I can cry and be emotional complete feelings of lost and despair are not allowed and I never felt completely "lost"), I don't know what is meaning of word break down (I'm always holding my nerves and I can take a lot even when some people around me can literary went crazy).
I'm happy that you stayed with us here, be aware that you are teaching us a lot about recovery and healing
Thanks for being so brave!
Thanks guys one more time for encouragement and support!